EX BPD keeps contacting, now saying he wants to "end it" I cant break no contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been a week and I have not responded to the calls or emails and blocked him on my phone. He sent various mean insulting messages along with begging me to come back and now sating he is depressed and wants to drive off a bridge.  I dont think he would do that but I know its a ploy to get me to respond. I hope he doesnt do anything crazy- I cant help him now, but what if the guy does do something or hurt himeslf?  I keep telling myself Im not responsible for his actions.  When we broke up in the past he will go out and drink until he blacks out, loses his phone or wallet somewhere-  I picture getting a call that he is in the hospital or psych ward.  I would have to refuse to take those calls. How can I tell if hes serious about self harm or just BS-ing? 

[Forgetit]

Its been a week and I have not responded to the calls or emails and blocked him on my phone. He sent various mean insulting messages along with begging me to come back and now sating he is depressed and wants to drive off a bridge.  I dont think he would do that but I know its a ploy to get me to respond. I hope he doesnt do anything crazy- I cant help him now, but what if the guy does do something or hurt himeslf?  I keep telling myself Im not responsible for his actions.  When we broke up in the past he will go out and drink until he blacks out, loses his phone or wallet somewhere-  I picture getting a call that he is in the hospital or psych ward.  I would have to refuse to take those calls. How can I tell if hes serious about self harm or just BS-ing? 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Forgetit,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very distressing to get a message like that, and I know I'd be worried, too. 

Generally we should take suicide threats seriously and not ignore them. I understand that you are NC right now for good reason, but you can respond in this situation without compromising your recovery.

1) Send him a text or email with a local suicide hotline number. Tell him to call there and let you know that he has done it.

2) Call a family member, friend, or neighbor who can check on him. Ask them to let you know that he is okay or what is happening.

3) If none of those options are available, you may want to respond by encouraging him to go to the hospital or that you will take him there. You can also tell him that you will call 911 on his behalf if he does not let you know that he isn't alone or has taken steps to get help.

I totally understand why you feel this may be a ploy to get your attention, but if he is serious, you will feel better knowing that you tried your best to help (and of course, he will get the help that he needs). Communicate with him in a brief, direct, and non-emotional manner. He needs to know that you care and that you are taking his threat seriously.

Here is more info. on the subject:  TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

What do you think is the best action to take, Forgetit?

heartandwhole

[gotbushels]

Forgetit 

I just want to show you some support. I do encourage you to consider the steps from heartandwhole. I hope things are alright for you. 

[Forgetit]

Heartand whole-
Thank you for your advice.  I think his threats are to get me to break NC rule. His moods and commentary has changed to begging me to come back and get married, and hes miserable without me etc... .This is his pattern and I used to get roped into it.  Too many ugly things have been said and I cannot love someone who is verbally abusive and manipulative. The suicide comments were a desperate attempt to rope me in again.  Soon Im sure the comments will turn to being angry and berating me again and saying a relationship with me was not satisfying to him and the other women were better.  I am a fool for falling for him to begin with. 

[Masuimi]

Hi forgetit,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. My ex used to threaten suicide all the time when we'd argue and I'd step back. I'd be calling and texting him for hours and hour, pouring my heart out in each message, telling him that nothing is worth taking his life for, just to be messaged back with an "Oh sorry, my phone was in the other room." It was like some sort of cheap thrill for him, but at the expense of my sanity and emotional health. We've been on NC for the past two days since I've told him that I can no longer accept his emotional abuse.

Even when you know that he wouldn't do the things he treatens, it's still good to give him some advice as to where to get some help and to show that you do have concern/care for him (even if your ex is like mine and would get completely offended, blaming you for being insensitive and careless). I'm sorry you're going through this, stay strong and positive!

[heartandwhole]

The suicide comments were a desperate attempt to rope me in again. 

Oh no. I'm sorry, Forgetit. What happened?

[Forgetit]

nothing happened , he changed his tactic to get me to come back- by saying he wanted to marry me, when last week he said he was unhappy with me - huh?

[hurting300]

nothing happened , he changed his tactic to get me to come back- by saying he wanted to marry me, when last week he said he was unhappy with me - huh?

How did you break up?

[Forgetit]

The way we broke up this time was over the phone, him hanging up on me when I was trying to discuss our disagreement the night before.  We dont live together luckily. He was mad at me because I didnt want to fool around
after work, I was exhausted and wanted to just veg out and relax.  I got angry at him because after I said I didnt want to fool around he continued to have his hands all over me, down my pants etc... .He got mad, drunk, and slept on the sofa. Temper tantrum.  He was angry because he hadnt had sex in a week! God forbid.His other GF never turned him down no matter what and I am "not satisfying enough" .  He has issues with boundaries, and crosses the line even when I say No.  This has happened before and it evidently wont change. I never spoke to him again after that. Its like he doesn't understand why that is wrong-

[hurting300]

 Wow! Yes he has severe issues with boundaries. So what is next? Do you think you should call him and "officially breakup"? I think that's a good idea so you both will have closure. Him touching you is wrong. Your body is your property not his!

[Forgetit]

No, he knows we broke up during the argument, again.  Been through this a few times with him and I dont owe him anything in my opinion.  There a longer story involved. This incident was the last straw.

[hurting300]

No, he knows we broke up during the argument, again.  Been through this a few times with him and I dont owe him anything in my opinion.  There a longer story involved. This incident was the last straw.

Hey if he knows that and he broke up with you then so be it. I don't understand why guys force sex. That's so tacky and you deserve better.

[GoingBack2OC]

No, he knows we broke up during the argument, again.  Been through this a few times with him and I dont owe him anything in my opinion.  There a longer story involved. This incident was the last straw.

Honestly, and I may get flamed for saying this, but your posts read as though you are highly conflicted on the issue, confused yourself, and do in fact care for him.

It sounds by what you have said you both have issues you need to work on. Whether as a couple or individually.

In terms of the break up, I think everyone is at least owed proper closure. These days, ghosting, just vanishing, ignoring, blocking, muting, technology has gotten the best of us. Back in the day, people had a phone and a doorbell.

If he seems confused on the status, perhaps you should have a conversation, tell him you need space, be firm, make no promises, do not give him false hope. Thats cruel to begin with, leading.

If in your mind it is over, he needs to know. It will allow both of you the opportunity to heal.

And regarding the sex, obviously he needs to respect boundaries, but he's not the first guy to push a little when their girlfriend isnt in the mood. Im not condoning his actions. I'm just saying when in a long term relationship, people become comfortable with eachother. I've been on the opposite side, where the girl wants sex more than I do, and they will literally push for it, like try to get me in the mood when all I really want to do is "veg and relax".

I wouldnt call what they were doing "out of line", they were just really wanting me... .a compliment to me perhaps. Going to far, violence, etc, obviously is never ok. But you didn't really comment if it was playful or forceful.

Anyways, good luck, sounds tough. But again, reading your posts, the way you've phrased things. When you say it's over, the last straw, I for some reason don't think thats the case.

Perhaps you do need space just to think on that, but let him know so he stops bothering you.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'll only add, that to further support my comment directly above, is that the purpose of your OP post was that you were concerned for his wellbeing. That he might hurt himself.

But it immediately shifted from you being concerned, to just angry and talking about what you don't like about him, rather than seeking clarity or answers. After your first post, which was about your concern.

It wasn't mentioned or brought up again.

So I guess the question is:

Do you care, or not?

[GoingBack2OC]

This thread for some reason sparked my curiosity.

I'm curious if you had given thought to my question, directly above, in terms of your OP post.

[Forgetit]

Sure, my original post was prior to the "I want to end it" comments. Even though the guy is mean and disrespectful, I dont want him to harm or kill himself, or anyone for that matter. After I didnt respond to that threat, he changed to
the tactic of saying he wanted to marry me.  Any way to rope me back in.  All of the statements are lame attempts to rope me back in because I fell for it in the past.  So I was concerned he would kill himself but that does not mean I want a relationship with him.  It was just another ploy.

[Herodias]

He sounds EXACTLY like my ex husband. Everything yours is saying, mine did too... .it's amazing. The threats and the devaluing comments.  I would absolutely not marry him! Do not worry about the suicide threats. A therapist told me to ask him if he needed me to call help for him because that was something I did not know how to help him with. If he was suicidal, he would say yes. Then call the police.  If he was not, he would give up and stop asking. Someone who is making idle threats does not want the police involved. Sometimes mine was suicidal and wanted to end up in the mental ward... .so, he will let you know. More than likely he is in pain from the loss of your relationship and doesn't know how to deal with it. Does he have friends/family to talk to? It sounds like you were in the devalue stage and you are right that he could become raging and possibly violent in the future. Mine put me down for all the same things. Allot of this is projection of their own issues, but also pushing you away and pulling you in.  I saw tantrums too. All you can do is recommend he go to a therapist that can help him. Knowing you cannot be sucked back in is a good thing. Stay strong... .I got sucked in several times... .mine was an abuser. If you read about abuse, you will see the pattern. Be wary of having too much to do with him. I do not think that it would hurt to tell him some of these last things about your not being able to help him with the issues he is having and you are sorry it is over. Then tell him you don't want to be in contact any more... .it is too painful for you as well... .then move on. When he knows he cannot get to you, he will start to move away. He will find someone else very quickly. Usually they are working on finding a replacement while they are begging you back. Be prepared. Be glad you got out now... .I was with mine for 9 years -8 married... He is still tormenting me financially through the courts. Good for you for being strong and having the courage to get out now. Good luck... .

[Forgetit]

Thanks for responding and your support Herodias.  You are right, on the last 6 week break we had he hooked up with and pretty much moved in with a much younger woman, got her pregnant because I think he was telling her the same song and dance as me- "I want to get married and have a baby with you"  He found out she aborted it after I got back with him.  I think he was still in contact with her after he and I started up again   he was using her to compare me and say I needed to be like her in some ways  Ugh , what a turn off!  By then I could see through what he was trying to pull. He would go on and on about all the places they went etc... .After he begged me to come back.  So bizarre and non sensical. Now hes sending me messages to meet his parents !  Crazy.  I havent spoken to him in a couple weeks at all.  Nothing.  A middle aged man acting like a child. I only wasted a little less than two years on this luckily.  It became so high maintenance.  Im sure he is trolling for another woman as we speak.  Im sorry you went through all that for 8 years.  At least you are out of that relationship now and are moving on to new new and less stressful life. 

[Herodias]

Thanks -he is still trying to play games with me... .you will never be done unless you don't talk to him at all. I am stuck due to lawsuits. Wow, mine seems to go around getting women pregnant too. It's sad they go around messing with peoples heads and bodies like that. Mine is with the younger woman he got pregnant... .I don't think he is happy. To describe his life as "there is a baby in the picture", is weird to me. He must really see his life as a picture. Yes, telling you to be like someone else is awful... .just awful! You are doing the right thing... .

[gotbushels]

   Forgetit referring to your last post, and all the behaviours, triangling, pregnancy, etc. that you refer to, there's a lot of stuff going on there. I think it's a really good idea to be on the path you're on at the moment. It might be helpful and rewarding for you around this time to see the "Is Your Partner Healthy?" section from a link from the Building Healthy Relationships board. I found it hopeful too. I didn't realise how far gone from a "normal" relationship I had arrived at, at that time--and what I don't want a partner to be. I hope you have a rested weekend.