Rhetorical Question: Can the Buddah Get Divorced?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This sort of thing has been on my mind lately. 
I don't want to rehash my history, maybe my prior posts will give background for those who care to read them.  But to preface my question, I've been in a toxic and damaging marriage for 19 years.  Through the years, and mostly in the last 1.5 years, I have gone through a process that has increased my understanding, and awareness.   I have passed most of the way through a grieving process for a loss of this relationship.  I have reached a point of acceptance and a calm that comes with greater sense of self.  I feel no anger at my wife, or even at my situation too much anymore.  I am aware of the deep suffering I have been through.  I do not feel a special love for her either, and perhaps that indicates something is not right in me.  However, it is what it is, simply. 

I find that in my personal progress, I am resounding more and more with readings I do of Buddhist teachers.  I am aware.  I am in the midst of my suffering, and it becomes not-suffering by that token.  I accept the situation.  I own my happiness and spiritual freedom.  I feel that I don't have "needs" that are either met, or not met, in my marriage.  (also a cause for concern for me, shouldn't I have needs?)  So, I feel that I have reached a certain small milestone.

It makes me wonder, if my marriage is the cause of suffering, and I accept that suffering, is there any need to consider divorce?
Would Buddha get divorced from a BPD wife?

A parallel question is whether Jesus Christ would divorce a BPD wife.  I suppose He would see enough to know to not marry one, or, heal her with a touch, but, rhetorically speaking, a good question since we are supposed to follow Him.

Thoughts on suffering, not suffering and what's for our good?

[SamwizeGamgee]

This sort of thing has been on my mind lately. 
I don't want to rehash my history, maybe my prior posts will give background for those who care to read them.  But to preface my question, I've been in a toxic and damaging marriage for 19 years.  Through the years, and mostly in the last 1.5 years, I have gone through a process that has increased my understanding, and awareness.   I have passed most of the way through a grieving process for a loss of this relationship.  I have reached a point of acceptance and a calm that comes with greater sense of self.  I feel no anger at my wife, or even at my situation too much anymore.  I am aware of the deep suffering I have been through.  I do not feel a special love for her either, and perhaps that indicates something is not right in me.  However, it is what it is, simply. 

I find that in my personal progress, I am resounding more and more with readings I do of Buddhist teachers.  I am aware.  I am in the midst of my suffering, and it becomes not-suffering by that token.  I accept the situation.  I own my happiness and spiritual freedom.  I feel that I don't have "needs" that are either met, or not met, in my marriage.  (also a cause for concern for me, shouldn't I have needs?)  So, I feel that I have reached a certain small milestone.

It makes me wonder, if my marriage is the cause of suffering, and I accept that suffering, is there any need to consider divorce?
Would Buddha get divorced from a BPD wife?

A parallel question is whether Jesus Christ would divorce a BPD wife.  I suppose He would see enough to know to not marry one, or, heal her with a touch, but, rhetorically speaking, a good question since we are supposed to follow Him.

Thoughts on suffering, not suffering and what's for our good?

[ForeverDad]

Regarding the question, Would Jesus have divorced a BPD wife?

I tried to model my life after his teachings.  I had been married for some 15 years and had a 3 year old child when we separated.  I really didn't see huge issues at the start but they gradually increased and really exploded after we had a child.  (Children don't fix a dysfunctional marriage but they sure do make it vastly more complicated.)

I didn't file for divorce immediately even though she was making increasingly serious allegations.  I recall sitting in the court's common waiting area and asking her lawyer in her presence (I think we both had temp protection orders by then) whether she would reconcile.  She turned away, he looked at her, then he looked at me and shrugged.  Point is, I gave it one additional effort.

Up to that point I was following Jesus' counsel (1) discouraging divorce without cause and (2) not to remarry unless there had been infidelity.  Death also would break the marriage bond.  (Matthew 19:9; Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18; Romans 7:3)  One article I read stated, "The Bible does not treat divorce casually."  So a person like Jesus wouldn't have felt totally free to divorce if there was no infidelity.  Doesn't mean he couldn't do anything.  Physical separation could also have been an option.  But that was then and this is now, after all, I don't know how enabled and controlling a BPD wife could have been back then.  And it is up to us to decide what we choose to do with our lives today.

However, when my temp protection order could be ending I had to decide what to do.  I actually feared for the future, I would wake up in the dark of night with my heart and thoughts racing, fearing that police would be knocking on my door to cart me away and put me in an orange jumpsuit for years.  Her allegations were that bad.  I also had to decide between Legal Separation or Divorce.  However, my lawyer discussed the matter with me and I saw that LS wasn't enough protection.  I decided to file for divorce since my safety and parenting, possibly even employment, were at risk.  Because there were various factors, such as no evidence of infidelity, I did not seek to remarry at the time.  (Good that I waited, I needed time, a lot, to recover.)

It was a few years before I had knowledge and witnesses of apparent infidelity on her part.  So since then I consider that Scriptures remove hesitation to remarry since the marriage bond is religiously broken.

Question to self... .Why am I still single years later?  I'd rather be married - but without major conflict of course.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Jesus would have us forgive, and suffering is for this life only, but, would he have wanted us to just stay married and suffer because he said so?
I don't really think so, but, I don't see the happy ending / exaltation in a toxic marriage.

[ForeverDad]

Also consider the perspective that remaining with an abusive person is, in effect, enabling that person to continue abusing or attacking another person (you).  Also ponder what example that is for children to see such behaviors.  If that's what they live with during childhood, want to guess what sort of dysfunctional spouses they will pick to be their victims or abusers?

Yes, there were marriage vows, but that does not mean we are to submit to repeated abuse, attacks whether verbal or physical, etc.  It's one matter when bad things happen to the family, it's another matter entirely when the attacks are coming, and keep coming, from within the family.

[pallavirajsinghani]

The following observation is not meant to be flippant:  Jesus is son of God, and such would have inherent capabilities that are supra-human.  We are human with human limitations.  Would God and/his son expect us to reach tall and touch them in ability and stature?  I think that God is a loving and forgiving entity, we need to be more trusting of our inner voice through which Divinity speaks to us.  Under all the noise and the confusion, lies a strong and gentle and forgiving and loving voice that will guide us to righteous path.  Forever Dad's voice did... .that was the righteous path he chose... .for the lives of the innocent ones are also at stake (the childrens'.  I think that God's expectations from us humans are based within the human limitations.

[RunningWithScissors]

Samwize - Buddha teaches that the source of suffering is attachment.  Once we 'let go', it gets easier.  In terms of relationships, that may mean that we cannot own someone, or control someone, or seek to continue a relationship if it has evolved into something that is no longer serving either person.  You can still care for someone, but release them from our expectations so they may attain their own path to enlightenment.

Just thought I'd offer my thoughts from a non-Christian perspective.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Running - precisely! - and the source of my question.  I have reached the acceptance and awareness.  And thereby the non-judging release from suffering.  I found that I have divested / sold my stock, and let go of my wife.  I have moved beyond what she can touch to cause suffering.  I care for her, as I care for all living things on earth, but, I have placed her outside of things that can cause me suffering - in the traditional manner of speaking. I concur that I feel that I have released her from any expectations that I had.  In my initial post, I described it  feeling that I don't have needs in a relationship - at least with my wife. 

I have still not resolved what you describe as a relationship that no longer serves one or both of the parties. I will think about that perspective.

I find that I am no longer mining for information about how to cope with BPD behaviors.  I have accepted, suffered, and let go.  Although it makes me sound like I have reached enlightenment, I think part of it is that I have just reached a point inside in which I said "enough."  My boundaries are now close to the exit, proverbially speaking.  Cross them more, and I'll go. 

But, back on topic, if I've followed the Buddha to a point in which I no longer suffer, is there any more cause to consider a divorce?  Is there harm?  Is there justification?  Will the kids suffer if I have adapted and cope in spite of what goes on?

Akin to Buddhism, Viktor Frankl taught a concept of logotherapy, in which one finds a purpose for surviving and overcoming all the evil one may be surrounded with.  His book title "Man's Search for Meaning" sums it up.  If I find purpose in a vacant and toxic marriage, namely serving as father for my kids, is there suffering? He would have us see the good, the purposes for our experiences, and diving-in further to serve others, give to others.  Is there a higher calling?

I'm prone to fall for that kind of thinking.  I am by nature a caring / duty /service oriented person - which is awesome except in contact with a self-absorbed, persuasive manipulator like a BPD wife.

I'm rambling, but, you hit on the root of my question. 
Thank  you for posing the idea that a relationship can evolve into something that no longer serves either person.  I have examined whether my presence is good for my wife or not.  I ask if she would be better without a target, caretaker, and constant source of painful emotions.  Deep thinking.

[bravhart1]

Couldn't you simply move on, move out and let the other party decide to stay married or divorce?

Live separate lives, while maintaining the marriage in theory? I mean after all, it's not real marriage anymore, either through love or respect.

I believe you can hold true to your values and stay married and still remove yourself from the toxic environment which you have no control to change.

I follow Buddhist teachings to keep myself centered and at peace, and believe in Jesus as our lord and savior. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. I like what you have to say and hope you find the peace you seek.

[adventurer]

If you are personally 'at peace' with the relationship, I imagine the next thing would be to examine the impact of the relationship on your wife and the children. Is your wife 'the better' for having a relationship with you, or is your relationship a detrimental, enabling factor in her life? Likewise, the children. If there are children, the effects of the household need to be considered. Any sort of toxic environment or emotional/physical abuse, etc and whether or not you feel any sort of responsibility for their welfare and to protect them.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I say that I am at peace.  I describe that there is nothing my wife can or can't do to affect my peace.  I think that is mostly true.  I got peace at the price of letting go, or accepting, whichever you prefer to call it.  It doesn't make for a very good example of a marriage, though.  I accept that my kids will not live in a house that a passably normal marriage relationship exists.  I know there are consequences to that, though I don't know what they are, or what is the better choice. 
My wife has gotten better over the past year, since I have gotten better and learned to dance around the BPD triggers and symptoms.  So in essence, she is the better for it, and damaged or enabled for it.  I don't think my continued improvement will mean her continued improvement in equal measure.
I do not believe that I can end this marriage and then get a replacement marriage in the foreseeable future, as though to make an effort to demonstrate what a better adult relationship looks like. 
More to think about... .

[ambivalentmom]

I think this is a really great rhetorical question.  My own personal perspective is that when you are faced with something beyond human understanding, you must pray/meditate on it.  Before Jesus was taken to be crucified, he knew what was going to happen and he prayed for another way.  He asked God if there was any other answer before he was taken away.

The authors of those testaments chose to tell readers this because it's important to know that Jesus didn't want to die, probably felt really strong emotions (as anyone would), and prayed to be released from his burden if it was God's will (of course, dying for the sins of mankind is not remotely close to marrying a BPD).  I would think that if Jesus was married to BPD he would pray to God for answers and continue to pray/live by God's teachings, until he was given an answer.  He would seek out wise men to discuss and interpret God's teachings.  The bible is a great guide on how to live as God wants us to, but with the most important message that we should trust in him above all else.

I do believe there are a lot of variables in play and the teachings of any religion don't get deep enough for such complex situations, so you have to seek out answers and consider all factors.  What will your children practice and will this cause conflict with their mom?  How will they interpret your detachment from their mom if you still consider her your wife?  

A lot to think on, but above all, I would recommend seeking guidance from a higher authority.

[Fie]

I do not believe that I can end this marriage and then get a replacement marriage in the foreseeable future, as though to make an effort to demonstrate what a better adult relationship looks like.  

Why does there have to be a marriage at any cost (whether the old one, or a new one ?)
I believe in happiness. Children can ONLY be happy when you are. Unfortunately it might mean that you need to leave your wife in order to be happy - that is up to you.
I personally don't think you need to show your children what a better adult relationship looks like. Leaving your wife and choosing happiness is showing  your children what selfrespect looks like, and a healthy relationship with yourself.
Choosing happiness for yourself is a gift for your children. At least, that is what I think.

Leaving your wife will mean your children will technically have  two families. You can make the conscious choice to make one of those two at least loving, without any dysfunction. I think Buddha would be ok with that idea.