Going nc

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, my name is Lizzie and I am trying to exit the relationship with my mother, who has been physically and verbally abusive my entire life and continues to be. I have been in therapy and worked through a lot of grief and anger. I am in my forties and I believe I really have tried everything to make seeing my mother work, but I have finally got myself to a place if self worth where I want to exit what is a very toxic situation and move on. My mother denies all wrongdoing and reality.  I would be interested from others who have either gone no contavt or extremely limited contact. Thanks... .

[Lizzie99]

Hi, my name is Lizzie and I am trying to exit the relationship with my mother, who has been physically and verbally abusive my entire life and continues to be. I have been in therapy and worked through a lot of grief and anger. I am in my forties and I believe I really have tried everything to make seeing my mother work, but I have finally got myself to a place if self worth where I want to exit what is a very toxic situation and move on. My mother denies all wrongdoing and reality.  I would be interested from others who have either gone no contavt or extremely limited contact. Thanks... .

[Turkish]

Hi Lizzie99,

Do you live together?  What kind of contact do you have that has exposed you to abuse?  Do you know what to do in order to be safe?

T

[Mutt]

Hi Lizzie,



I'd like to join and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that your mother has treated you this way   To answer your question about NC, I have gone LC with my father and sister when I'm struggling because they can be invalidating and don't display much empathy. I agree with you with self protection against people are being toxic, your boundary will protect and take care of you.


I didn't find it easy to get to that solution. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Are you worried about how she's going to react?

[Greg]

Hey Lizzie,
  Thanks so much for posting and I hear you on that struggle, it sounds really tough.  I went NC with my mother 7 years ago and I cannot recommend it enough.  I'm a huge advocate for this, no disrespect to those that choose the LC path.  You won't find as many NC people here I think though, maybe, because I can say for myself after going NC that I was able to move on almost entirely from BPD issues in my life and thus, this site.  Not to say I don't struggle with the PTSD and other things all the time, cause I still do (to a much, much smaller degree).  It's just that you won't find me posting here on holidays or anything like that, simply because without the communication I just don't have as much to worry about.

Our society is INCREDIBLY biased towards "unconditional" love for mothers.  Mothers are essentially infallible in the social definition of communicating.  I think this is very, very wrong.  It does not give us the space to feel for ourselves what is "right" and what boundaries are right for us.

Mothers are human beings, just like anybody else.  Just because you came out of them doesn't make them superhuman cannot-do-wrong or you-must-always-forgive creatures.  If this person hurts you continuously, shows a pattern of BPD, has no interest in therapy / improving themselves (which is usually worsened with age), and is degrading your quality of life - then why would you not go NC with them?  You would do it if it were a friend, right?  That's just my perspective.

and screw what society says.  Isn't it time we love ourselves?

[Notwendy]

I don't think a post in favor of NC is disrespectful to those who are LC, or vice versa. Each is a possible choice that children of BPD parents can consider. Each person/relationship is different. The best decision for one person may not be the best for another. In a similar way, someone in a romantic relationship with a partner with BPD has choices:stay or leave. While we can share our own situations in these relationships, the pros and cons, I think we should be mindful that the individual has to make the best choice for him/herself.

For me, when considering NC, I had to also consider who else would be involved. I could choose NC with my mother, but if I did, I would have to also be NC with my father. I didn't want to do that, so less contact, with my own boundaries, was the better choice for me.

When my father died, it was emotionally difficult for me. He was the parent I was emotionally attached to. I was, by this point, not emotionally attached to my mother. Even though I was grieving, I had an odd sense of freedom as well. Now that I had literally nothing to tie me to my mother, I could make that choice.

I could do what I wanted at this point. Her FOO had broken ties with me, I was emotionally orphaned, my mother wrote me out of the will. The door for me to walk away and not look back was wide open.

What stopped me? Me. I knew that whatever I chose, I would have to be OK with myself. At this point I had additional considerations. If my mother was younger, I may have been OK with NC. However, at this point, I had teen kids, and an elderly, widowed mother who had not in her whole life taken care of herself.

When I was little and helpless, I could see her as an abusive monster. Now, she is helpless and I am not. I can have boundaries, but I was concerned that if I listened to my anger and resentment, I might become the cruel one. I didn't want to do this. I also knew that my kids were watching me and even though they would not blame me for going NC at this point, I didn't know if that was the best example to set for them.

This didn't mean becoming her caretaker. I will not do that. I also have boundaries with her. Fortunately my father left her with enough money to hire people to take care of her needs and as an elderly person, people see this as "normal".

NC or LC, the choices are complicated. Although we consider our BPD parents in this choice, ironically, once I could have walked away completely, the choice then became completely about me. So whatever you choose- make the best one for you with the situation at hand.

[Mutt]

You raise a good point Notwendy. You're right it's complicated and there may be other interpersonal r/s's to weigh in your decision. I think that my kids have unconditional love for their mom and they have unconditional love for me. I didn't want to interrupt their r/s with their mother and I'm glad that I did because they're emotionally attached. That said, their r/s is with mom or dad, its not mom, dad and the kids. I agree, do what feels right for you Lizzie, its not one size fits all.

[happykiwi]

Hi Lizzie
I went NC with my Mum last year in April and for me it has been wonderful.  Once I found this site and realised I wasn't alone in my confusion about my feelings towards her I was able to grieve the love I never had from her.  i also realised she was broken and unable to be fixed by me no matter what I did.
I was also able to grieve for the inner child in me that was starved of love from this woman.  I began loving my inner child and from that moment I began to heal. 
Once I removed her from my life, my life became so much better.  Blocking her on my phone was a big step but knowing I would no longer feel the dread of seeing Mum appear on the screen when it rung.  And it was a revelation to me that I felt such anxiety and dread when ever I saw her calling.
I was in my late 30's when I realised my relationship with her was unhealthy.  I couldn't understand it and thought it was me.  There must be something wrong with me.  And don't get me started on my confusion on Mother's Day when I would stand for yonks in the card shop trying to find a card that meant something to me.  I would always buy a blank one and write just Happy Mother's Day, love me. 
My children and husband understand and support my decision.  Especially when I saw her targeting my son as the scapegoat and my daughter was the golden child.  Nope!  No way was she inflicting that crap on them.
My husband has always seen her for what she is and has patiently waited for me to see it too.
She managed to successfully triangulate me from my brother so he hasn't been in my life for over 20 years. 
I'm also blessed that she lives over five hours away by plane so know need to fear her turning up on my doorstep.
But even if she did, I am now strong enough to say we are no more and wish her well.
By removing her toxic presence from my life I became free to heal and many good things have happened.  Most importantly, my happiness.   I don't hate her, I forgive her, she had a sad childhood and that is why she is broken.
I hope this helps.  It's an incredibly personal decision.  I hope you find your peace xx

[Needless2say]

 
LC with my Mom and NC with my sister was the best thing I ever did for myself and for my own family. 

You know how they always say the Mother needs to put on the air mask first so she is still able to put on her child's air mask before she passes out?  Yeah, I now believe that 100%.  Limiting my contact with them helped me be a better Mother.  I was not consumed by their behavior anymore therefore I am finally able to focus my attention where it should have been the entire time:  on my own family.

Good Luck!

[Fie]

Hello Lizzie99 
I am LC with my parents because of my uBPDm. Also with my BPD grandma I am LC. My other grandma just died, and I feel like an orphan now.
I have mixed feelings about the LC. Sometimes I feel bad about it. I think especially because I have a child, and I have (had ?) the feeling of taking away her family from her. At times when the guilt is popping up, I have to remind myself that my FOO actually never really cared about me nor my child, anyway. So me deciding  LC is not that much  of a difference.
But most of the times, I feel great about not being  around the dysfunctional mess anymore. Less drama, I feel less anxious, and I feel I can be a better mum.

I agree with what Greg said concerning society and unconditional love for our mothers.  As a child of BPD, I realize that I am sometimes attaching too much importance on what others/society think. Part of the guilt I am feeling about LC is because of how society thinks about families. When a husband or wife is abusive, everybody thinks it's normal that you leave. In case of families, suddenly other rules apply.
I consider myself very lucky to have the support of these boards. I think I have some really wonderful people around me, but they just don't realize how it is to grow up in a family like mine. And I  think that sometimes people also just don't want to know. They prefer to think that mothers and fathers are always acting lovingly.