I'm still waiting for him

[Larmoyant]

It has now been a week since my ex told me that he has “moved on” even though I was the one who ended it 7 months ago. I believe him. I think he’s been trying for the whole 7 months to move on although still keeping in contact with me.

He was looking within a week or so of us ending so he has probably found my replacement by now. That both upsets me and doesn’t which is odd. It upsets me for obvious reasons. I loved him and tried so (too) hard to make it work and I’m working on why that was. On the other hand, I’m not too bothered because I’m convinced that he will mess up again.

I find myself hoping that he does mess up and then wants to come back to me. Although, and this is the crazy part, I will not have him back. If he wanted to come back he would have to be sane and non-abusive or willing to work on it. Which he wouldn't because nothing is ever his fault. That might sound cruel, but it is the truth.

I don’t understand myself here! Has anyone else experienced this and if so, could you please help me understand it? Is it my ego? Am I narcissistic?

I've had a few fleeting times this week when the pain has let up and I can feel the beginnings of maybe letting go. But, overall I’m still waiting for him. Waiting for the phone call/text message that I’ve become so used to. He has not left me alone for the past 7 months. Every week, save for one 3-week period when he was probably with another woman. The thought of him not contacting me again is painful, but at the same time I hope he doesn't!

Clearly, I'm very confused and if you managed to understand any of this please rest assured that I am seeing a therapist!

Also, it sounds as if I don't care about the poor women who cross his path. I do, it's just that there is nothing I could do about it just as the gf before me couldn't help me.  

[patientandclear]

As people often observe around here, there is an element of addiction in play. You are used to the hits of whatever it is that he contact provides; now you're in a sort of withdrawal. I've learned to manage without the constant (daily) contact from my ex a few times now and have really come to believe there is a biological component to that need to have them reiterate their focus and interest in us.

I suspect there is also some deep seated resistance to accepting the outcome here because in some sense that is untouched by your understanding on BPD, it just feels wrong that things "went this way," as my ex would say. This outcome is illogical, it should have been avoidable, he should have done many things differently to prevent this sad outcome. The idea of him moving on is him not doing that, things sort of permanently not being restored to how they "ought" to be, given that you loved him, tried so hard, cared etc.

For me this faded gradually during each long gap in contact. I stopped expecting to hear from him. It took a long time and the progress was imperceptible.

[OutOfEgypt]

I find myself hoping that he does mess up and then wants to come back to me. Although, and this is the crazy part, I will not have him back. If he wanted to come back he would have to be sane and non-abusive or willing to work on it. Which he wouldn't because nothing is ever his fault. That might sound cruel, but it is the truth.

I don't think it is cruel.  It may be because you are hurt and want them to hurt back, which is understandable, but I think it may also be because you want there to be some admission on their part, some kind of peace and closure.  We all long for that feeling of resolution, that things are resolved, and that somewhere there is an acknowledgment that our love and efforts mattered.  It's like we want some kind of redemption... .but from them, which we know we'll never get.  I used to day-dream, and sometimes sleep-dream, about having conversations with my ex where she finally acknowledged me and my suffering and what I was saying, and then there could be peace and closure.  The frustrating reality is that we know it won't happen.  That is a hard thing to let go of, and it is part of grieving.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, What would you like to see happen?  I can't tell from your post.  Perhaps this question, which I understand is hard, will help clarify where you go from here.  LJ

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Your story touches my heart.  You are much kinder to him than many would be, but you are also aware enough to steer clear of his wake.  I feel the same way, if my ex would go to counseling, stay on her meds, and really work on growing I would give my life to help her fulfill her dreams with as much vigor as I use to pursue my own.  Unfortunately for me if I had her back in my life she would either be a drain and/or a burden.  I'm seeing a T as well.  I started seeing one when I met the ex, because I wanted to be a better partner and knew I needed some more tools in order to do so.  In that small way she has improved my life.  Be tough, you are worth it! 

[joeramabeme]

Hi Larmoyant

Glad you mentioned the contradiction in your post as I was scratching my head reading the first part up to that point.

I mentioned this on another post and will repeat it here.  Of course you want him back - that is natural.  Our ex's knew how to provide something to us that even we were frequently unaware of needing.  I am not going into the business about whether or not that was real love, but the experience of it all is real.

I still love my ex and always will.  Would I want her back?  Yes.  Would I have her back?  Probably not - at least not without a significant change in the way she was behaving and this, we know, is not going to happen.  Heart and Head - 2 sides of the same coin with opposing thoughts.  That is torturous.

Can you make peace with your feelings of missing him by acknowledging the parts of your relationship that were really good?  Let it wash all over you.  Isn't this the essence of all our collective hurt and sadness?  We miss what we thought we had.  That hurt is real and it needs to be acknowledged as you are doing.

You will reconcile your internal differences once you have had enough time.  In the meantime, let your heart have its moment of sadness.

JRB

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for wading through that to respond to me. It is a reflection of my confusion .

I suspect there is also some deep seated resistance to accepting the outcome here because in some sense that is untouched by your understanding on BPD, it just feels wrong that things "went this way," as my ex would say. This outcome is illogical, it should have been avoidable, he should have done many things differently to prevent this sad outcome. The idea of him moving on is him not doing that, things sort of permanently not being restored to how they "ought" to be, given that you loved him, tried so hard, cared etc.

PC, yes, the outcome does seem illogical. He wanted me back and I wanted to go back. In a ‘normal’ relationship that means coming together, sharing perspectives, considering the wants and needs of the other, and problem solve. But he didn’t want to do that, tried to make me doubt my perspective, blamed me, blamed others. This time I clung to my perspective. I was tired of actions not matching words. Tired of the inconsistency, unreliability and unstable ground. So I stuck to my guns and he stuck to his. Clearly our ‘attachment’ needs clashed and his solution was to go find someone new. Yet, in the back of my mind I think he’ll be back. I’m used to him coming back.I hang on to hope that he does, and maybe it's because it stops me from having to feel the full impact of this break up.

OutOfEgypt,

“I used to day-dream, and sometimes sleep-dream, about having conversations with my ex where she finally acknowledged me and my suffering and what I was saying, and then there could be peace and closure.  The frustrating reality is that we know it won't happen.  That is a hard thing to let go of, and it is part of grieving”

Yes. There are times now when I start to accept what’s happened and feel a need for some sort of postmortem or closure, but realise that’s very unlikely. He’s not going to acknowledge his part because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He hasn't validated any of my concerns just tells me I'm wrong.

LuckyJim,

“What would you like to see happen?”  

Ideally, in dreamland, I want him to come back, talk openly and honestly, problem solve so we can get back together. But that’s because I’m hurting. Realistically, he seems incapable of doing that or doesn’t want to. When he kept contacting me it fuelled hope that we could change things. That he’ll listen. But he now says he’s moved on.

SheAskedForaBreak

Yes, I need to stay clear of him. My therapist says he’s dangerous. I feel this sometimes and just wish this would sink in properly so I could move on and start rebuilding. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a year now and stayed with her despite him putting her down and trying to stop me. I’m so glad I did. I hope yours has helped you as much as mine has.

joeramabeme,

"Glad you mentioned the contradiction in your post as I was scratching my head reading the first part up to that point."

Lol! Apologies


"I mentioned this on another post and will repeat it here.  Of course you want him back - that is natural.  Our ex's knew how to provide something to us that even we were frequently unaware of needing.  I am not going into the business about whether or not that was real love, but the experience of it all is real."

Yes, sometimes I need to remind myself that it’s natural to want him back and it's natural to miss him.

“we miss what we thought we had” .

Yes, and maybe what we wished we had. I’m starting to question if any of it was real. Beginning to think that the relationship was illusory, a fantasy based on his future faking, false promises, actions not matching words and my need to believe this, despite all evidence to the contrary. He wasn’t a partner to me, but someone who pulled and pushed so much that I was always on shaky ground and no matter how much I tried never got a secure footing.

Thank you all for helping me try to wade through this.