Body Double

[Lifenow]

As I reread my post and responses, they sounded just the way I felt; bitter, angry, why me/us, this so unfair, my life is a swirling vortex of a dd with BPD, we have so much more pain than the average couple /family... .it wasn't supposed to be like this.

I'm preaching to the choir .

The truth is that there are some very bad moments in days that seem ok, and there can be very bad moments in days that are full of stress and conflicts - there does not appear on the outside to be any correlation. In those moments, my dd's state of fear and panic is so great that the BPD kicks into high gear and generates what always feels like a state of emergency.

Unfortunately, I/we don't always react with a calm demeanor. Well, we are being attacked after all. It's normal to scream at someone who is screaming at you.

Except, if at all possible, don't.

And things have changed for the better with our dd because we had some time apart - she is an adult and we try not to treat her like a child even when she acts like one. But I'm not sure if or when she will ever be a grown up... .because that takes confidence and... .above all, compassion.

I will say that my dd's attitude and general frame of mind IS more mature than when she was a teenager. What I mean is that because of her experiences and her daughter, she feels like she has a reason to live a "normalish" lifestyle, complete with very judgmental attitudes about horrible things she used to do that she now sees as "stupid teenage actions of a long time ago".

We have had discussions that get very close to touching the most difficult parts of her adolescence, and in those moments I ask some questions with no inference of judgement or personal pain. She admits she did crazy things. But she will not go so far as to connect many consequences to her actions. And she will say we still abused her.

DBT taught me to do this type of inquiry... .it especially helped to understand that my dd's anxiety levels start at a 5 when she wakes up in the morning and if there is a crisis it spikes to a 9 but then never comes down past a 7... .when the rest of us start at a 1 and go to a 6 and back down to a 1.

I call this ability my body double.

My basic nature is not calm, slow, compassionate, Mother Teresa. My basic nature is optimistic, competitive, type A, get it done, no whining, loud and yelling (thanks mom, I love you) and judgmental because I get paid to be. Most of us do.

I have also experienced loss and abandonment, so I like to control my environment.  That meant I wanted to tighten the sphere of my world when she was exploding it. I tried to let her expand, to experiment, to find herself. She wanted to place blame so she could transfer her pain onto someone else. She caused pain and suffering beyond anything we ever could imagine.

I cannot go back there, to that place of unbelievable pain. So I use my body double to look at her outside my emotional self. I use my logic, my deductive reasoning, my research and my analytical side to try to see her and her world. It is as though she is a rat in a maze, and I am researching which bait she will go for, and what stresses will make her upset, so I can adjust the parameters of this experiment.

My body double provides entertainment as well - I watch as others meet my dd (who is drop dead gorgeous, has a great smile and sweet demeanor) and engage in her wonderful side, and think:

"You are like a moth to a flame... .just wait."

But now there is a conundrum, in the form of my granddaughter.  I'm finding, also because of age, that my body double has to be on most of the time since there are times I have to protect her as well. So I wonder if my original self can feel the same things for her, or if my other self will prevent the feelings from getting stomped on all over again.

Has anyone been able to bridge this gap?
thx





 

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

I am a bit confused by your question, but other parts of your post I relate to... .

I am not sure if you are saying this but I can say that in my family my dd age 18 did stress both parents out eliciting ineffective and yes, sometimes abusive parenting behavior.

I can tell you I carry around a lot of guilt related to that.

I most recently behaved very BPD myself and had an outburst towards my mother in law as she has been very judgmental of my parenting.

What I realized is that I needed to forgive myself because "hurting people hurt others".   My mother in laws judgements hurt so much because there was an element of truth to them.

If my daughter could chalk her behavior up to "crazy teenager years" I would tell her that I forgive her and hope that she could forgive me in return. 

At this point I hope that this is a gift that my daughter can receive from her difficult childhood... .the ability to forgive.

I don't really understand the body double question, but I hope this helps... .

[Lifenow]

Gorges -

Oh dear, I did not mean to in any way suggest that I felt guilty about abusing my daughter. Maybe a better term would be "second skin" rather than "body double"... .but I do feel outside of myself when I use it.

She was never abused. I do not feel guilt. Everything she feels and felt would be the same no matter what I did or did not do, or even if she had different parents. Her illness controlled her emotions and her actions. We may or may not have influenced who she is today, but we tried to open her life to many things and ideas and give her an excellent education, and she has thanked us for exposing her to world.  She is an intelligent, observant, creative and thoughtful person when she is not in pain or emotionally distraught.

And now, there are so many things that she gets "PTSD" from it is astounding - at 18 she through herself onto the underbelly of the streets and online, exposed herself to the worst possible people, and now it is as though she expects the world to just be a romantic period movie, in which she is the one rescued, taken care of, and pitied for her experiences.

My "second skin" so to speak, is what I enable when I am around her.  It is not my original skin - the one that is happy, optimistic, playful, get it done, take risks. It is the carefully formulated one - controlled, quiet, and calculating the risks of every move I make with her, and everything I say. There is no spontaneity in my "second skin", and certainly no emotional triggers.

When she was a teenager, and my dd didn't like the truth or the realities of the moment, (from dealing with consequences of her actions) she was capable of terrible self harm to try to get us arrested for abuse.  She made up stories as early as 5th grade about vans with strange men following her. She wanted to "date" at 12. She was mad when we said no... .groups only supervised. To this day she says "we didn't let her have any friends"... .meaning no guys in the woods. She was on the dance team, the debate team and was passionate about civil rights. Still is. But even surrounded by all of those kids her age she wanted to hook up with older men, which she coordinated despite all of our efforts.

One encounter in her late teens was just down the street at a boutique hotel. The jerk was from out of town for a "fling". He had a wife and kids at home. We found all of this out later from the police. When I said she had become a prostitute, she said no, she didn't charge him. It was just for sex. 

From that time forward, she always just wanted to be on her own and make her own decisions, no matter what the cost or outcome. Now she seems to know how bad it all was, but I'm not sure it will not be repeated.

So my question is this:

My "second skin" does not allow me to be hurt, but it also does not allow me to feel the kind of love one should feel towards a grandchild.

How have others dealt with this?

[wendydarling]

Hello lifenow, I'd like to join my good friend Gorges  |and welcome to bpdfamily and our parents board. 

You are not alone. Many here are treading similar paths and learning together small steps. Glad you found us as we move forward together

I'm sorry you have had such a tough time... .and have worked hard with your daughter, learning DBT skills has been a wonderful experience, I'm part way through, still learning.

I joined last December (after 28yr daughters big year in crisis) and through the wonderful support and amazing resources here I have been able to find my centre, my balance and my strength, supporting 28yr daughter in her recover, she is doing well   

May I ask what support you have locally,within family, friends, Dr, medics. I ask that as it's important we look after ourselves, the first thing I found helpful was a loving and supportive group of people who understood my daughter's diagnosis and if they did not, boy were they were willing to learn very fast, she feels so accepted and supported.

Hope.

WDx

[Lifenow]

Thanks for your support WDx

My dd does not believe she has BPD, and will not go to any more counseling. She "graduated" from a 6 month DBT program after we said it was her only option after leaving home too many times. She did go to a state facility for a week before the  program until we found out it was run day to day by grad students from a local university, and they used Lithium extensively on most patients, making them angry and lethargic.

Now she "loves" her Obgyn who is very supportive of whatever she wants to do, (get pregnant in spite of no means to support a child and a high risk pregnancy for her condition) and her primary care doctor has also connected to her by researching her genetic joint condition and prescribing pain medication and nerve blocks.

Other than that, she feels like she is doing what needs to be done in her life, which is take care of her daughter.

The fact that she could not do it without our enormous physical and financial help is not acceptable to her - so we are just a "luxury" she endures.  When she feels threatened she says she can "get a place in an instant because she is disabled" (not true), and that she has managed for 3 years taking of a child without any help (also not true). She can also get a caregiver "anytime she wants" (not true).

We are just waiting until she moves out to see how things go and how much we will have to maintain for her.

That's so great that your dd accepts having this disorder and wants to work on herself.

Unfortunately the DBT program here was far more help to us than to her as it somehow gave her the idea that she was none of the things they talked about... .except maybe having a little anxiety and a little depression.

Now that she is an adult, she gets to do what she wants. And, we have to do whatever she wants in order to provide a decent home for our granddaughter and be allowed to be in her life.