One morning it just exploded in my head. I told her we are done.

[ohmygod]

When I met my ex wife I didnt know I had all those co dependent issues. I just saw myself as normal. She was sweet from the beginning. Loveable. She started love bombing me and I became her soul mate after a week. I felt like a king on the pedistal. I was white as you can be. Typical BPD & NPD style of trapping their victims. I sensed something was wrong. Tried to brake free but she just increased the level of attention and love bombing. Sexual teasing. I just felt adored and it clicked. Despite many red flags and pleas from my parents we got married.

After six months I started to feel something is wrong. Little things would set her off. Tried to talk to her but she started to gaslight me and saying Im too sensitive. I am the man and she needs protection cause everyone is plotting against her. Especially my family and friends. That is why I need to prove my love to her and protect her. I started to feel trapped. Yet I saw it as a natural thing as my mother is also BPD & NPD. So I just tried harder. Sounds familiar? I only I could x she would be y and we would be happy! Right? Right. BS.

After couple of years she wanted children so we had children. Funny. Never asked me if I wanted them but hey it's all about her right? My daughter was born. And then all hell broke loose. She went crazy saying I need to protect her and the baby as people are plotting against her. Buying presents for my daughter was strictly forbidden! Any gift was thrown away. I was a bad father for buying our little girls with stuff as I was bribing her to love me. More nonsense like this countined on daily basis. At this time I served like boy toy to be used and abused the way she felt fit. She even tried to attack me physically but I stood up that time looked her in the eye and told her: hit me and I will effing smash you. And Im a huge guy. So she started swearing and ranting came close to hitting me but then didn't dare as she saw I was serious.

After this she just turned my back on me and our daughter. I became both the mother and a father. She was on her phone 24/7. Sex became a rarity. I became desperate. I thought i will either kill myself or her. Abuse was as you describe it. The only thing she didnt dare do is hit me. Otherwise my life was hell. Financially I was heading into a big debt as she was saving all her money and I was paying for everything which of course meant I was an ass as I was just buying my daughters love.

Then in sheer desperation I googled about wife abusing her husband and found this and Dr T's webpage, shrink4men. I started to read. I started to understand I was not crazy. I was normal although I had co dependency issues.  I learned about gaslighting. FOG. The whole nine yards. I started to see her for what she is. But I felt weak. So she had her way and my son was born. Emotional and verbal abuse was a daily matter just as you describe it. Then bam! After 10-15 days my son was born she wanted me out. Out of my own house! I complied. Started talking to Dr T and realized that I had a part in all of this. I started to work on myself. She then wanted me back but I had to give up on my friends and family and prove my love to her. I agreed I will stop my children from having any contact with anyone she didnt like. I would hide so that I could speak to my folks. Then I found e-mails that she sent to a guy on my birthday. I confronted her. She lied that it was work related. I found more mails. I got suicidal and wanted to leave. For the first time ever she apologized in an honest way. I forgave her. Later found out she mailed him the very next day... .Probably didn't get physical with him as he was from another state but it was clear and clean emotional cheating. Hurts like hell. After that apology she refused to speak about it. It never happened. Simple as that!

Last two years got really ugly. She treated me like a thing. Even in sex. I felt like I was being raped. No emotions and avoid kisses. No words of affection. Just mechanical movements to please her. I refused to have sex. I refused to pay for anything as she had a massive savings and I had debts. She started to behave like she is to hit me. One morning it just exploded in my head. I told her we are done. After 6 months I got a cheap apartment bought my stuff and left her everything. No court needed. She got everything. As she sees children as a 'burden' she agreed I take care of them some of the days every week. No court needed.

That was 2 months ago.

[Skip]

This sounds like a nightmare of a marriage. Sounds like you're out now and picking up the pieces of your life. You sound pretty angry, but who wouldn't be.

I'm going to challenge you here a bit to not buy into the Shrink4men "they are all the same, they are psychopaths, spread the word, warn men to secret the psychiatrists are covering up, etc.".

1. There is a very significant spectrum of dysfunction among he personality disorders and a spectrum within the personality disorders. There are a lot athletes that run, the spectrum of running is huge. One size does not fit all.

2. There is also a spectrum on being out and we should talk about how to best live that for you own well-being and the well-being of your bambinos. One of our consultants said it best, "after an all out war of separation and divorce from a dysfunctional marriage, we somehow need to create a functional post-marriage family to raise the children to be healthy." Part of that is learning some of the skills that were labeld by your blogger/life coach as abuse enablers.

3. Have you gotten sound legal advice? Are you legally divorced? Do you have a legal custody agreement? You said a couple of times, "no court needed". That's a little like saying, no insurance needed. So what happens if she picks up and move the kids to another state? Or needs the kids to prove their love by staying away from you? Etc.

4. I know you said you gave her everything. Why? Going back in with the requirement to isolate from your family is the type of thing that enables abuse. Giving her everything is enabling. Letting her control the visitation is enabling. I'm not suggesting and aggression or conflict here, but I am suggesting that you become stronger in the post-marraige than you were in the marriage. People will walk over you if your are weak.

[ohmygod]

Im supposed to get my papers from the judge in September. Everything is signed and ready. 50/50 custody, I left her eveything else except my clothes.

I realized that Im on this part of the board cause Im still attached to her. Addicted. That makes me angry, but it is what it is.

And yes, shirnk4men has some good stuff but some I do not agree with. Plenty of women out there who are normal and sweet.

[Skip]

Can you tell us some demographics - ages, locations (how far apart are you), does she have a boyfriend? Do you have a love interest? Dating?

How is your relationship with her now?

[ohmygod]

We live close to each other 10 min distance. This is cause it enables my kids to go to the same school and all. Im 36 she is 37.


We talked today as I was taking my son to see a doctor and she said she wants us back. The thing that makes me angry here is that I hang to an idea she will change in such a manner that life will be bearable again.  She will forever have her BPD npd issues but I have a weird hope she will put that under control at least so much  so that life becomes bearable again. Unfortunately what I have read so far suggests otherwise and what she has shown so far also does not point that way... .

Having others is not a problem, I have turned down plenty of opportunities cause I do not feel ready.

[Skip]

The thing that makes me angry here is that I hang to an idea she will change in such a manner that life will be bearable again. 

She will forever have her BPD npd

Both can be true --> change in such a manner that life will be bearable again + forever have her BPD npd

They can also be mutually exclusive.

One thing I will say in that if you consider going back, please learn the tools for how to provide a more stable life style for the relationship and family. This won't be wasted - if the relationship doesn't work out, you can use the tools in another relationship. I do that now, myself.

Last time that you went back, it sounds like that was enabling. No a criticism, just a statement that you don't want to do that again, that way.

Nothing changes without changes - which means both on you need to do work IF you want to try another round, otherwise it will be the same thing all over again. People often do this via a therapeutic separation, where a therapist sets rules to rehabilitate the relations and establishes how you interface and rebuild in the contacts during the separation (how you plan events, rules, etc.).

We have members that have rehabilitated a relationship. We have members that couldn't and the both partners went on to have other successful relationships. We have members where one or both had the same problems in the next relationship.

There are many possible outcomes.

Why do you think she has BPD. What stands out. What is it that attracts you to her? Is she diagnosed? Have you done marriage counseling? Is she in or has been in therapy?

[lovenature]

From what I have learned, if she isn't committing to years of therapy, and you are not willing to learn and apply the necessary tools for managing a BPD relationship (along with extreme patience), it just can't be healthy for either partner.

Everyone's situation is unique, while sharing many similarities. I wish you well in yours.