Appointment with his therapist...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDh has been seeing a psychologist for the past year and a half - monthly; working on 'depression' and 'marriage issues'. Over the past few months, he has mentioned that he feels like he is stuck and our marriage issues are stuck. I agreed with him on that - he thought it would help for me to leave for an extended period of time, but I couldn't due to my responsibilities. So I've been mentioning that I thought it was going to take some more 'intensive' counseling.

So, a couple of weeks ago, he and his therapist agreed that it would be good for me to be able to talk directly with her. He doesn't know what he would work on -- he says that they talked about his feelings. He also said that meeting with her would be like marriage therapy and he could know what he needs to work on.

As I was communicating with the therapist, she seemed very glad to hear from me.She said that my visits would be to help her with her treatment of him. He denies any abuse, control, or manipulation issues, even in our conversations. I have distanced myself from that, so he thinks the 'feeling disconnected' would be a marriage counseling issue.

I've set up an appointment with her on Wed. to talk about what is going on. In the meantime, I'm trying to sort out what is important to say and how to say it.

[empath]

My uBPDh has been seeing a psychologist for the past year and a half - monthly; working on 'depression' and 'marriage issues'. Over the past few months, he has mentioned that he feels like he is stuck and our marriage issues are stuck. I agreed with him on that - he thought it would help for me to leave for an extended period of time, but I couldn't due to my responsibilities. So I've been mentioning that I thought it was going to take some more 'intensive' counseling.

So, a couple of weeks ago, he and his therapist agreed that it would be good for me to be able to talk directly with her. He doesn't know what he would work on -- he says that they talked about his feelings. He also said that meeting with her would be like marriage therapy and he could know what he needs to work on.

As I was communicating with the therapist, she seemed very glad to hear from me.She said that my visits would be to help her with her treatment of him. He denies any abuse, control, or manipulation issues, even in our conversations. I have distanced myself from that, so he thinks the 'feeling disconnected' would be a marriage counseling issue.

I've set up an appointment with her on Wed. to talk about what is going on. In the meantime, I'm trying to sort out what is important to say and how to say it.

[bunny4523]

Hi,

Yeh that is tough.  Maybe don't think it over too much.  Just go to the session and let her lead with the questions.  from my experience with therapists and reading about BPD, the therapist is very leary about telling the client about seeing signs of BPD because of their attachment issues.  They are likely to write off the therapist if they begin to no like what is being said.

I experienced that first hand.  Hearing "he is really good, I like him, very knowledgeable and helpful" to  "He isn't even married, what the heck does he know." 

wish you the best... .atleast your H is in therapy.  Couldn't get my ex to stay in it... .

Bunny

[formflier]

This will be just you and his T... .correct?

Has he had MMPI and PAI... .other types of testing?

I would make notes before you go in.  It is important that you define "abuse" and are clear about the role you played... .still play... .etc etc.  Basically... .how did you use to respond... .and how has that changed.

FF

[empath]

Yes, it is just me and his therapist. I wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise because I need safety in this process.

He hasn't had any psych tests that I know of, so I doubt that there will be any 'diagnosis' or anything like that. H likes to talk about his emotions quite a bit; he does that with me for hours on end sometimes. I'm guessing that she has seen some of the tendencies, though, and without a serious (legal) reason to diagnose, they don't usually like to do that.

I have some recent examples that I can describe as 'abuse'; he is claiming that he isn't abusive now (because he isn't yelling... .). 

[empath]

Things went okay with the therapist. I was a bit cautious about revealing too much because she made it clear that what we said was not confidential. I didn't want to say directly what I think is really going on. I did mention the push-pull, lack of trust (without cause), impulsivity, and power and control issues. He has been better about recognizing and moderating his feelings, so that has been helpful.

I told my husband afterward that I was rather sad that he wanted me to talk with his therapist rather than listening to what I had to say; it felt like triangulation and having other people tell him what to do.

This is the second time that I've talked with his therapist, and I still don't feel good about her. However, in the past couple of days, we've had some good discussions, and he has told me about his impulse control difficulties (on a personality level) and depression as well as the power and control issues. His therapist probably isn't aware of his self-harm (it's better with the antidepressant) and distortions.

[formflier]

Why don't you feel good about the therapist?

FF

[empath]

I'm not sure, honestly; I don't feel at ease with her.

[Woods77]

I'm not sure, honestly; I don't feel at ease with her.

Can I offer some advice? Ive been through the extremes and am going through them still. It took us over a year to find the right help and many assessments and doctors.

Firstly do they have BPD? One thing I have learned, BPD is extreme, its specialised, its specific. Therefore the only thing that is going to help is surely specialised therapy specific to BPD. Have you heard of DBT? I've mentioned it a few times, I dont know if it helps everyone, but it has a little bit, my now ex is still in it, but if anythings going to work its something that is aimed at it.

Personally I found the worst help was the constant assessments. I think you have to ask yourself although your partner is in therapy, is it the right therapy? As it sounds like its a mixture of depression, marriage counselling etc. Since BPD is so specific and so extreme, are those things helping? It has been 1.5 years and youre still in therapy. It should not be endless.

I would look into specific therapy, DBT, to give your partner skills to combat the illness of BPD. Normal therapists I do not believe offer the skills, yes you need help, but it needs to be the right help, at least with dbt it gives some directions of what to do, rather than assessments which I personally dont think will help anyone.

[WendyDavid]

Hello empath

I've had a similar feeling of not feeling good about my husband's psychologist.  Mostly, because my husband comes home and says "my therapist told me not to trust you" or "my therapist says I shouldn't talk to you".  But this is my husband's spin on it.  When I suggested that the therapist was a quack to tell a person with trust problems not to trust, my husband started quoting the therapist and it sounded more like his psychologist was just trying to make my husband think more about his own feelings and come up with real reasons for his fears or get over them.

The psychologist is aware of the BPD, but does not specialize in it.  I wonder how much his therapist can help when my husband is so controlling that he only talks about what is comfortable to him.  Its like he has another "secret friend" that he only allows controlled information and no one else can talk to (that's another story).  Shouldn't a therapist see through this and get past my husband's controls?  At least, I didn't see it when I sat in on a couple of sessions.

We do not have a doctor in our area that does CBT or DBT.  We would have to travel very far and check my husband into an expensive hospital (which his job will not give him time off for the treatment, so he'd lose his job too, which he is on thin ice due to his emotional problems).  Does anyone have suggestions?