Whenever you are with a partner and it ends, you're never the same after, regardless of their condition. You've seen new things, both good and bad. My advice for the guilt, from someone who has similar feelings when turning someone down etc. is being honest. People can't be mad at you for being honest. Now I'm not saying tell them your life story (that's a BPD trait) but explain that you've been in a difficult relationship, thought you were ready and that you want to take it slow.
Secondly, you feel guilt sure, but you're most likely projecting. You feel guilty at allowing yourself to be used this way. I sure as hell do. The important part of moving on from these feeling is proving to yourself that you are worth it. Also, try helping other people in more productive ways (soup kitchens are cliche but you get my drift) and those feelings could subside.
Thank you for your reply.
You're right I feel a lot different and see people differently.
I realise I'm not the same innocent/naive person I used to be. I used to think people who liked me always had positive intentions or that everything would always work out fine in a relationship as long as I am committed, strive and stay positive etc.
I don't like to spill out to people like I used to either. I didn't necessarily do so but I had that urge to and eventually I would spill out just as much as my exBPD since it felt natural to share just as much as the the other person to keep that sense of comfort going.
I think that when I got involved with my exBPD I was at my most vulnerable. My self esteem wasn't very low but I had my doubts about myself and decision-making, I never experienced a relationship before and what my ex convinced of me was that I can be loved greatly (which of course deserve love as much as anybody else) but because that was a first time someone really really wanted me and really showed it obviously at the beginning I fell for that idealisation stuff since nobody treated me that way before.
I did feel odd at first, I would ask her 'Are you sure you love me for me? It's only been so early how do you know?' 'Maybe you just find me attractive?' and she would always reply something in the lines of 'love is unconditional, I cant explain how I feel about you but I feel so secure and satisfied when I am with you and I want us to be like this forever.'and ':)on't be afraid, If you are afraid I will leave remember I will never abandon you. I feel so lucky to have you'. She was very comforting and validating and things I needed to hear so it felt real and genuine at the time and eventually I trusted her.
Yeah I am most likely projecting. Even if I was in a difficult relationship, before my exBPD I have trouble saying no to people who aren't as close to me. Mostly friends or people I want to please and have a better relationship with. I think I got it from my foo. They always gives generously and sacrifice themselves and I know why they do it- to feel better about themselves, morale etc. But I know they know they overdo it since that they get taken advantage of at times and complain about it later but then convince themselves they are good (which they are)and seen as good but yeah just too much caretaking of everyone too.
There are a couple of people who I am assuming would like to date more seriously or exclusively and that frightens me. I only care about casual dating or friendship at this stage and cannot picture myself seriously with anybody without taking it slow (as it should be anyway). It even frightened me when my exBPD pursued me but I eventually trusted her so it makes me more anxious and distant now.
But yes, I always just think to myself and remind myself that I am in control of myself and that I need to start trusting myself and my own opinions and not to care if others differ from my own and not always cater for them or compromise my own stuff each time all because I wanted to avoid that guilty feeling. That I am worth it as you said too. I'll give if I want to and not in a place where I expect to receive as much as I give since that just leads to disappointment too. At the same time, I will try to seek for something balanced and people who equally give and take in all my close relationships.
I was always honest with my ex that I was not sure at the beginning and not sure I was over my BPD friend/lover but yes, my exBPD repeating and comforting me allowed for me to trust her more and eventually fell for her and want her long-term that the other BPD did not want and only short term stuff. She even told me that it's normal to like people from the past and that didn't bother her. Nothing really bothered her at that time. Fell for her loneliness story too and felt needed for that.
For the new people if I am not feeling any chemistry or attraction I keep telling myself that I have to tell them no. Even if one of them in specific... wrote in a blog that they are not attractive enough or enough because XYZ and that is why nobody wants to be with them - that is not something I need to feel bad about if some of them feel that way as a person I can't fix that. I did them no harm, I did not insult them or say anything to do with them not being enough but I do agree that I just don't feel that chemistry/attraction and wish they liked themselves more and they find the right person for themselves. I feel that basically they are accurate in that they are not right for me but not because I dont think they are worth it as a person. This is what I mean by being susceptible by my guilt then playing rescuer to deal with my own negative feelings. Almost like a compulsion to want to be seen as the good person in everyones lives. I have to set my boundaries and like you said "help people in productive ways".
I speak to close friends whenever I feel guilt and they keep reminding me that yeah, I need to be comfortable and that I don't owe anybody as much as they want from me if I don't want the same. Especially if I hear they've been hurt so much before and get all empathetic about it and that they dont deserve anymore hurt ... coming from me. I will just be honest - even if its so uncomfortabe for me to turn people down. I hope that one day I won't feel so guilty over these things if I don't give people what they want. It's a habit/feeling about myself I need to break.
