Getting through divorce

[The Teacher]

Hello. I am in the process of divorcing my wife who has BPD. It was a second marriage for us both, and it lasted less than four years. I had no idea what BPD was until I began meeting with a therapist about seven months ago, at my wits end trying to deal with my wife's behavior. After being her knight in shining armor during our courtship, almost immediately after marrying her, my life was nearly totally controlled. She had to talk to me before I left for work, talk to me on the phone my entire drive to and from work, text me throughout the day, and ask multiple times when I would be getting home. When I arrived home, there was a daily questioning about who I talked to, who I ate lunch with, was I "bonding" with any women at work. She was suspicious of my texts and emails, and all of my phone calls to my adult children and family became subjects of intense discussion, often requiring me to recount everything I said. I became socially cut off from family and friends, partly as a coping mechanism to reduce the interrogations. The insecurity, mistrust, anger,  manipulation, and control became too much to deal with after I lost one of my children to an overdose. My patience for her behavior evaporated in an instant, yet her determination to insert herself into every aspect of my life only grew. When my therapists' words finally sank in ("You cannot fix her", I made my decision to part ways and gain some peace in my life.

I am now coping with an amplification of her insecurity and instability now that I have made this decision. I have received more than 220 emails, texts, and calls within the first month of having to move out of my own home and telling her I would not be discussing this further (I was unable to even sleep in my home once I filed, as she would insist on discussing my decision and trying to save our marriage 24/7). The last time I saw her, I had called the police on her because she wouldn't let me leave the house after making all kinds of wild threats to keep me from going forward with the divorce. The one that scared me the most was saying that she would falsely accuse me of domestic violence to make me lose my job. That one sent shivers down my spine, and I have not seen her since.

Every one of my family members and friends, whether they heard from my wife in the four years I was married, is now hearing from her. She's tunneling into my support network, telling people all sorts of crazy off the wall things. The emails and texts are an endless stream of creative manipulations to get me to engage, ranging from the toilet is running to I have an important tax bill that came in the mail from the IRS to threats to share intimate details about our relationship with my employer if I don't respond. My attorney is doing his best to get her attorney to calm her down, but it seems that a restraining order is a real possibility.

I am tired of telling family members about my problems. I just want a divorce. Why does it have to be this hard? I still meet with my therapist every two weeks, and sometimes find myself counting the days until I can see him, but I thought this group might be helpful.

Thanks for reading.

Teacher

[Turkish]

Hello Teacher,

I'm glad that you took the threat of her filing false DV charges seriously.  Some members here have seen jail time due to this.  I assume you're documenting all of this.  To start, I'll point you to the Lessons and Suggested Reading at the top of the board.  Specifically,  get a copy of this book:

Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

It's an invaluable resource,  and you might have to educate your lawyer on what you're up against even if her behaviors are obviously so dramatic. 

It's sad that she is so focused on herself that she couldn't support you in your time of grief. Where are your other children, are they grown or involved in any way? 

Turkish

[The Teacher]

Turkish:

I had read some of Bill Eddy's writings about four months ago and appreciate your having pointed out this book to read. It looks like something I can use to help my situation and educate my attorney (who isn't exactly a specialist like Bill is). Thank you.

Interesting that you say that my wife is focused on herself - that is exactly how people who have come to know my situation describe her. I have two other adult children. My wife went after them big time after my daughter died, especially after I confided in my oldest about some of the mistreatment I was being subjected to. For my wife, everything between us had to be "private" - it was her way of protecting her reputation. My girls had admired her, so when my wife began to get jealous of my closeness with my daughters after their sister died, and began interfering with my relationship with them, it really hurt them. The nail in the coffin in my marriage was when my wife interfered with my plans to see them this summer. How could she interfere with that? They had lost their sister, and I needed to comfort them. I wanted to go on my own, and spend time with them and their mother (my ex-wife), but she wanted to make it a big showdown to set things straight with them about treating her with respect. I refused to go on her terms. It was a tough decision to make, but it  was the day I acknowledged the end of her manipulation and my marriage, and the day I wrote a check to my attorney.

When my daughter died, I joined a grief support group (on my own). My wife harassed me endlessly after every group meeting about the women in the group... .very sad indeed. In some ways, I am only free to mourn the loss of my child now that I am no longer with my wife. I think the divorce will be the final bond that will set my grieving free.

I visited one of my daughters last weekend, and the other lives overseas. That visit will take some time to arrange, but it will happen.

Teacher

[Turkish]

Firstly,  I can't imagine the pain from such a loss,  I'm the parent of two young ones.  Secondly,  I can't imagine not being supported,  even in a token way, by a spouse or significant other, adding to the pain from multiple angles.  

I recently counseled my Ex's husband regarding a recent incident of DV (she's lucky she didn't land in jail). I didn't say this,  but I thought about asking him "who do you think the most important person is in her life?" If I had asked it and he had answered "the kids, " Fail: "Her."

":)ivorce is by definition adversarial,  even those seemingly amicable, " thus said my therapist at the time. I never had a T until at the end.  

If you haven't seen one already,  a therapist could be another solid avenue of support.

[ForeverDad]

I've often commented here that if a spouse has threatened or contemplated making DV (or child abuse) allegations, then it WILL happen, given enough time.  I'm so glad you got out in time, legally speaking.  It's still traumatic.

I recall that toward the end of my marriage, I was virtually stuttering.  Not as an impediment but I was weighing each word so carefully in a vain attempt to avoid triggering her more.  She wasn't quite as bad as your wife, but I recall thinking that if I was stopped at a traffic light and an 80 year old lady walked across that I'd have to turn my head away so I would be accused of staring.  Been there, done that.

Try to keep the divorce as emotionally neutral as possible, businesslike.  You'll need the lawyers to buffer for you.  Since you don't share children together, it will be much less complicated without the custody issues.  Fortunately, it was a relatively short marriage so long term support should not be an issue.  But her threats to make (unsubstantiated) allegations need to be taken seriously.  Document her attempts to lure you back.  A person posturing as a victim won't be trying to lure the purported abuser back.

Be aware she may be damaging the house or leave it stripped bare when she finally has to leave.

Don't try to seek closure from her, you'll have to Gift Closure to yourself.

[The Teacher]

Try to keep the divorce as emotionally neutral as possible, businesslike.  You'll need the lawyers to buffer for you.  Since you don't share children together, it will be much less complicated without the custody issues.  Fortunately, it was a relatively short marriage so long term support should not be an issue.  But her threats to make (unsubstantiated) allegations need to be taken seriously.  Document her attempts to lure you back.  A person posturing as a victim won't be trying to lure the purported abuser back.

Be aware she may be damaging the house or leave it stripped bare when she finally has to leave.

Don't try to seek closure from her, you'll have to Gift Closure to yourself.

Thank you. Each time she throws a lure, I will remind myself of your advice. I am keeping very good records thanks to apps like SMS+ and gmail, as well as a journal of voicemail content. It's just tough to wait it out to get my day in court while receiving a daily threat/crisis/manipulation. Thankfully, gmail allows me to filter her messages into another folder so I don't get the phone notifications in my inbox. I came to dread the notification sound... .