adult child with BPD

[Dane]

Hi, I am Dane and I need support from others who understand the challenges and heartbreak of having an adult daughter with BPD.  She lives 12 hours away so I dont see her often, but he has my only grandchild and is not letting me see her.  We are estranged now since June because my daughter flipped out on me and accused me of doing and saying things I didnt do (after spending 3 wonderful days together) she called me horrible, vulgar names and pushed and scratched me.  I called the police and she was able to convince them that I was lying and scratched myself.  She is 29 years old and has horrible credit and goes from job to job (always someone elses fault she was fired)  We have helped her financially countless times, and have given her 3 vehicles (so she can get a job).  she does not appreciate any of it and says "I help her out of guilt because I was such an abusive parent."
this is the issue I am struggling with:  She is fully convinced that she has low self esteem and has gotten DUI"s and is an alcholic because I abused her.  Her life is  mess because of poor choices, but she blames me.  Not her dad-who displays bipolor symptoms, like his mother, and has erratic behavior like her, and has even punched her in the face a few times (after our divorce for mouthing off)  He is her hero now.  They cuss each other out, but she believes he has uncondittional love for her because he allows it and I dont.  As a young child, I felt there was something wrong with her.  For example, when she was 3 and I cut my finger and was bleeding-she started laughing.  she never wanted to be held or be affectionate (like her brother).  She did not want to spend time with me doing fun things alone together.  Only if she could bring a friend.  I just thought she was a strong willed child (as the books said) and to not let her get away with being disrespectful.  She seemed to delight in picking fights with me for no reason as a young child, when everything was going great.  Like she wanted to get a rise out of me, which she did.  I longed to have a close relationship with her, but he would ignore my attempts at spending time together.  It seemed like her language of love was "material things" so I would buy her what I could hoping to make her happy, hoping she would feel loved, but nothing I did worked.  My son (her younger brother) witnessed her childhood and knows I was a good mother to her and not abusive.  I wasnt perfect and made mistakes, but not to the extent that I could be labeled abusive.  her example of my abuse is when we were in a fight in the morning before school(a fight she picked by being snotty or disrespectful, argumentive, etc) that when I picked her up from school, I was abusive because I didnt talk to her.   things like this... .
It was an eye opener for my son when he allowed her to move in with him a few years ago.  He called repeatedly telling me that he now knew what I went through living with her; mean for no reason, out of the blue, starting fights, etc) and she was allowed to live with him for free! The list of things she has done to me as an adult is extensive and she is getting worse.  She has every sign of BPD plus she is an alcoholic by her own admission.  She has admitted that she meets the criteria for BPD and knows something is wrong with her brain, but now denies saying this.  She now says I am the reason she is the way she is and thinks the way she does.   I  divorced her dad after 12 years of marrigage- his behavior was crazy-making to us all.  She is close to him now, but wasn't for a long time.  Now, I am the villan after all these years-all of a sudden.  She just started her crazy, delusional accusations against me in the past 2 years.  She will not get help because her dad doesnt think she has a mental health disorder and if she would read her Bible and pray more, she wouldnt be depressed and suicidal...   Her dad can get away with doing and saying things to her that I could never.  I believe he has BPD and his mother did too, but now he is more mellow (as they say happens with age) but his moods still change quickly. 
I went to a therapist when she was a teenager and explained how she treated me.  The therapist told me that kids like this are usually very intelligent (she is- has a genious IQ) and to guard and protect my heart, due to her "condition"  I took her to a therapist after our divorce and she seemed ok.  I also went to a therapist with her when she was 20 to help us resolve our conflicts.  She claims (to my son) she is seeing a therapist and they are telling her to stay away from me.  Also, her church mentors tell her to forgive me, but stay away!  We havent spoken in 3 months (after the incident).  she was sending me texts and accusing me of poisoning her dad when she was 12, when he had Lymes disease and other crazy things, so I blocked her texts.  My on just recently talked to her after not speaking for 3 months after she got physical with me and she is seething with more anger and more delusional stories that never happened and he told her so.  She is now angry at him and says I have brainwashed him. 
Can anyone share their advice, personal stores with me so I dont feel alone.  I dont know anyone who has a child with BPD.  My heart is broken.  I should be relieved to have the epicenter of my stress out of my life for good (as she says) but I feel so sad, angry, and broken.  She is still my daughter.  She will not allow me to see my 7 year old grandaughter, who I have always been close to.  I must call her when she is at baby daddy's, and I can tell her mo has poisoned her young mind against me.   Doe anyone have any advice?Please help me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Dane,

Welcome and hello 

I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here. It must be so validating that your son understands his sister is ill and distorting reality. People with BPD tend to break off their bad behavior and project it onto people close to them, it's a form of externalizing very negative parts of themselves that they can't tolerate. When she says that you were abusive, it is likely that she is projecting her own behaviors onto you where she can process the emotions from a safe distance. Unfortunately, this is very painful when you become the target.

It is also possible that she is identifying with her dad because in her mind because she identifies his abuse as a form of strength, even if it hurts her. She may even feel she deserves the abuse because fundamentally she feels like she's bad.

While she is estranged, take this time to talk to people here and learn what you can about the disorder. I found it was helpful to keep reading and piecing the puzzle together until I had a string of aha moments about what was driving the behavior. Often, it is the nature of the disorder, and not something personal, though I know that is hard to work through when you're on the receiving end of the blame.

The skill that helped me stop the cycle was validation. This means acknowledging and accepting whatever emotions she is feeling. You do not validate the invalid, and it can take some practice to tease out the difference. Start with people you know and practice on someone less emotionally charged.

The other thing that happens in BPD relationships is JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain). It never works. Often it just cranks up the speed on their emotional roller coaster because they feel that you haven't heard them, so they dial up the intensity. The antidote is to validate the feelings.

You did not abuse her, and that is all that needs to be said, to yourself and to others. She is in tremendous pain and likely inherited a sensitive genotype from her dad that makes her susceptible to intense emotional states, plus she had a father who punched her   Set the guilt aside and don't give it attention. Many of the skills needed to guide these children are not intuitive, and if there was an abusive parent in the family, we are doubly challenged to help our kids.

You're here now and we will walk with you. And in a two for one deal, the skills you learn to communicate with your D are the same ones that can be used with your GD. 

 

LnL