Teaching or enabling

[mybabygirl23]

I'm so frustrated - I let my nearly 20 year old BPD daughter move in with me due to her financial and legal issues. (Lost job, wasn't able to pay bills, lost drivers license due to drinking and driving... .). Before moving in we had a long talk and she agreed to start budgeting the money she made from her new job, stop drinking, get therapy and take her meds. The problem - she chooses WHEN to do these things. I recognize there have been a lot of changes in her life, although self induced, and I try not to nag but is instant gratification the only thing that matters with BPD's?  

Note I've been living all alone for the last 18 months and recently divorced from her dad so I have my own stress to deal with. I do yoga, I eat well, drink little and appreciate the support of friends but she is depleting me financially and emotionally! I validate, empathize and set goals with her BUT I can't make her follow through and I'm at a loss of what else to do. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dkgreg2002]

Hi mybabygirl23,
I'm so sorry to hear your are having a hard time with you daughter.  I have a similar situation.  I went to the doctor for the first time in 2 years today due to severe arthritis pain.  When the doctor asked if I was depressed I started crying.  I really tried not to, but it didn't work.  I told her a little about my situation with my daughter and she immediately put me on antidepressants.  I'm going to give the meds a try because my body feels like it is in knots most of the time.  My daughter is 31 and just recently diagnosed with schizophrenia and BPD and desperately wants to go into DBT therapy, but it is so hard to find a therapist and the insurance is not good.  I am so glad she finally found a good psychiatrist and is taking her meds after almost 20 years of wrong diagnoses of major depression with psychotic features, bipolar with psychotic feature, etc ... .  The psychiatrist said the meds she was taking for bipolar were actually making her worse.  If anyone knows of any resources for DBT therapy or therapist, please let me know.  Here's to hoping all gets better with our children and being able to find good doctors and therapist.

[wendydarling]

Hi mybabygirl23

I'd like to join dkgreg2002 in welcoming you to BPD family, glad you found us and sorry for why and what you are dealing with, like many here who understand, you are not alone.

Has your 19 yr old received any treatment in the past, what's her present view about recovery?

WDx

[ArleighBurke]

So your daughter is living with you. What is the impact of her living with you now? Is she still draining you financially? How?

Perhaps there a way you can have some of her job money paid to you directly? (So rent/board effectively).

You cannot "force" her to stop drinking, or take her meds. They have to be her choice.

[mybabygirl23]

 Thanks much for the kind welcome it's very affirming. She starts therapy again for the first time in several years next week, and she did start up her meds again after being off of them for two years.   So I'm staying positive! Well trying to