Hurricane

[Thunderstruck]

Ok, help me think this through. Our CO has no provisions in it for emergencies like a hurricane (because it's still a temp CO). We're currently projected to be affected by this huge Hurricane Matthew and we're making storm preparations. Not sure yet if we'll have to evacuate, but we're keeping an eye on it.

SD11 has said about 10 times that if/when this storm comes she wants to be with us. It's due to hit us later this week, which is her BPDmom's parenting time.

However... .from some social media posts I have seen, it sounds like uBPDbm made plans about a month ago to go visit another state with one of her friends this week/weekend (tomorrow through Sunday I think). She has not mentioned anything to us about it, but that's pretty typical. She usually waits until last minute then claims she has a "work emergency". I don't believe that she has plans to take SD11 with her on this trip (she typically doesn't), but I don't know for sure. I also don't know for sure whether she is even still going. My gut is saying she will be going and waiting until last minute to have us watch SD11 (easy that way, she doesn't have to bother with preparing for the storm or taking care of SD).

I am uneasy just because I don't know whether to make preparations including SD or not (food/water isn't a huge issue but if we have to evacuate... .). DH is concerned about SD being at uBPDbm's during the storm and uBPDbm not being prepared or just not being home (she works overnights at a strip club so SD is often left alone or with the male roommate from ~8pm to 6am).

[Nope]

I'd say the kiddo's welfare has to come first in an emergency. The question you should ask yourself (and the question a court would ask you if something bad did happen) is, if you are that concerned about BPDm's parenting, why would you assume she was prepared for something like this? I would absolutely plan for having SD and I wouldn't say anything to her mom about it. If you and DH got hauled in later for contempt I think you could pretty easily verbalize why you thought it was best that SD stay with you. But more than likely it won't come to that and BPDm will do what she always does anyway. It's only if you make the mistake of asking her what her plan is that you're likely to get yourself stuck.

If you do have to evacuate, get SD and go. Worry about the details later. Just make sure BPDm knows SD is safe. The storm looks nasty and this is an emergency situation so it's just not worth it to let the rules (that only you guys follow anyway) slow you down.

[Thunderstruck]

It's only if you make the mistake of asking her what her plan is that you're likely to get yourself stuck.

I'm trying to resist asking if she has a plan... .because I know it'll turn into her wanting to have the control. She'd superficially act like she's prepared and ready but in reality she would do the easiest thing/bare minimum. I think SD wanted to stay with us because we are more calm/measured whereas in the past few weeks uBPDbm has overreacted and blown out of proportion several things (turned an ear infection into a medical emergency with CPS, was frustrated about the heaviness of SD11's musical instrument for band so made a big scene and demanded to either switch instruments or pull her out of band).

School is a half day tomorrow and canceled for Thursday and Friday. Normally uBPDbm would be picking SD up from school tomorrow. I need to talk to DH about whether we should just pick her up and keep her or try to prepare her for being with uBPDbm.

Another concern, SD11 uses facebook messenger on her ipod to call uBPDbm or DH. If uBPDbm's lost power, she would have no way to reach us. With or without power she would have no way to reach 911. We have a phone for her at our house but we haven't gotten to the point where SD11 brings it to school/her mom's (there's a back story to this, but we tried giving her a phone before and it caused too much drama. This is take 2 so we are trying to ease into it slowly).

[DoxieLover]

Hi Thunder,

I would make plans for food, water, and shelter as if you know SD will be with you; however, I definitely would not make any comments to uBPD Mom that SD says she wants to be with you and DH during the hurricane as this could be VERY triggering to uBPD Mom (i.e. - implying that SD doesn't want to be with her could cause uBPD Mom to cling to SD tighter to "prove" what a great mom she is and how much SD loves her.  At least, that's how it would go with the BiPD Mom in our lives.). Also, I would plan for the exchange to happen as normal.  To me, it's dangerous territory any time a parent uses the argument that the kid doesn't want to go to the other parent's house as a reason for changing who's day it's supposed to be.  I say that because if you say SD wants to be with you and DH for the hurricane because she feels safer or whatever reason, then next time, it will go the other way.  I.e. - uBPD Mom won't follow through with an exchange to give SD to you because she will promise SD a pony and tell you that SD wants to stay with her because she feels safer, is happier at Mom's, etc.  Hope this makes sense. Just telling you how it would go with the BiPD in our lives. So plan in case you have SD but also plan to send her to uBPD Mom's as normal unless uBPD Mom asks you to keep her.

Good luck!
Doxie 

[Thunderstruck]

I would make plans for food, water, and shelter as if you know SD will be with you; however, I definitely would not make any comments to uBPD Mom that SD says she wants to be with you and DH during the hurricane as this could be VERY triggering to uBPD Mom (i.e. - implying that SD doesn't want to be with her could cause uBPD Mom to cling to SD tighter to "prove" what a great mom she is and how much SD loves her.  At least, that's how it would go with the BiPD Mom in our lives.). Also, I would plan for the exchange to happen as normal.  To me, it's dangerous territory any time a parent uses the argument that the kid doesn't want to go to the other parent's house as a reason for changing who's day it's supposed to be.  I say that because if you say SD wants to be with you and DH for the hurricane because she feels safer or whatever reason, then next time, it will go the other way.  I.e. - uBPD Mom won't follow through with an exchange to give SD to you because she will promise SD a pony and tell you that SD wants to stay with her because she feels safer, is happier at Mom's, etc.  Hope this makes sense. Just telling you how it would go with the BiPD in our lives. So plan in case you have SD but also plan to send her to uBPD Mom's as normal unless uBPD Mom asks you to keep her.

I agree with that, especially not letting an 11 year old dictate the situation. And I know if we deviate from the schedule then it will cause problems with BPDmom because she will feel entitled to do the same in the future (not being able to differentiate between an emergency situation and every day).

I also agree with Nope that we are in the process of trying to obtain primary custody and full decision making for the exact reason that uBPDbm does not make good decisions. Unfortunately without the CE report it's just our opinion vs uBPDbm's, who thinks that we also make poor decisions ::eyeroll emoji::. So we're kinda stuck.

SD11 spoke with her mom last night. uBPDbm had not bought supplies (food/water/etc) and was on her way to work. The two of them talked about evacuating for the storm. We haven't heard anything about the trip out of state.

So, we tried to do the best to prepare SD11 (gave her a list of things that might need to be done at her mom's house to prepare for the storm), told her to contact us periodically to let us know she is safe, and to definitely contact us if they plan to evacuate and let us know where they're going.

[DoxieLover]

Hi Thunder, 

Glad you agree about not letting SD11 "chose" who to be with during the hurricane. I've read a lot of your posts and your DH's Ex sounds a lot like my DH's ex.  I've read some posts by others on this board whom I think would advocate they need to keep the child during the hurricane because the child felt safe with them and/or ex was unprepared for the emergency.  And perhaps for their situation, that argument/plan would work but our ex would just turn around and use it against us later. For example, she would say the child is sick and the child feels better if mom comforts her when the reality is that child isn't sick at all and only wants to stay with mom because mom said she could stay home from school.  (And other fun games like that.)

At any rate, it is very very sad that you had to instruct SD11 on how to prepare for the hurricane but unfortunately I think that's the best option at this point. I pray that all of you stay safe and that uBPDMom takes the weather situation seriously.  If not, I hope the CE FINALLY sees that you are dealing with a life and death neglect situation and you guys FINALLY get the help you need from the CE and court to provide a safe stable environment for SD11.

Take care,
Doxie