Feeling depressed after a week with uBPDmom

[hotncold]

I'm trying to improve my relationship with my uBPD mom.  I went to visit her a couple of weeks ago and was able to not react to a lot of what she was doing. Things went really well, considering the maximum time I could spend in her presence previously was 2-3 days before a huge blow-out.  Well, after I got home from this week, I hadn't noticed it, but I became depressed.  I've been doing a lot of meditating, and recently so many comments came back to me that she made.  I think to her she is not even aware of what she is saying but all these comments drive at bringing down, questionning and minimizing any successes or talent I have and magnifying the successes of others.  (ie I am not married and don't have kids, and have recently gone back to school - which I think is difficult for my uBPD mom) - well she talked about someone who also went back to school to a similar program as me, but my mother said SHE has a rich husband and children.  There's a lot of little comments like this. I also talked about applying for a role that I really wanted, and she looked at me like I was crazy.  Anyway, just writing this down has helped me.  I've been doing a lot of insight meditation, which has caused a lot of sadness to come up.  I am also in a transitional place in my life so am feeling especially vulnerable to these small comments my mother makes. Before I would react out of anger when she said these things.  I have stopped reacting, but I suppose it doesn't make them hurt any less.

[hotncold]

I would really appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I don't want to go no contact.  I feel like I'm making progress with the relationship but have just become aware that after spending that time with her I did go into depression. I was sleeping more, my energy dropped, I became more questionning of myself, more self doubt.  I am working through meditation on detaching from her comments and seeing them for what they are. I thought I had not been affected but as put 1 and 1 together and concluded that the time I spent with her made me depressed and feel really down about myself even though I'm doing some really wonderful things right now in my life.  My mother seems all happy about things going well between us and is more communicative than she has ever been in years with me, only because I simply sat through her crap and didn't react to it... .except I did. With a form of depression, which she didn't see.

[hotncold]

one more question... .is depression more advanced than anger? I used to react to her with anger and decided that wasn't working... .but having worked on being non-reactive, I instead became depressed... .I don't know if this is an evolution or a backward slide.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY hotncold:   

I'm sorry that you are experiencing some depression.  This is a tough time of year for many people, as the days get shorter.  There could be a little of that in the mix with you.  It can be said that unresolved anger may turn into depression.  The article at the link below on, "Anger, Pain and Depression", might be helpful for you to readl

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200311/anger-pain-and-depression

I listened to an interesting discussion recently on TV about social media and the high rate of critical and nasty remarks that so many people tend to make.  One person in the discussion replied, "I only allow the input from a select few individuals to have any impact on me.  The other's I ignore".  In this case, the person said she had 5 individuals who's comments she let matter to her.

You can't change your mom, but you can change the way you react and interact.  It's natural to want your mom to support you and your decisions, but with a BPD mother, it may not be possible.  For your own sanity, you may have to decide that your mom will always be critical, so you may need to set a boundary to limit the information you share with her and/or never expect validation from her.

You might find the article at the link below interesting.  It discusses 5 Ways to Validate Yourself:

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/

The additional information below could be helpful as well:

The BIFF RESPONSE is something that might be helpful.  BIFF stand for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The acronym BIFF was coined by lawyer Bill Eddy to use with high conflict people.  I recently purchased one of his BIFF books.  You can find it on Amazon.  The link above will give you details of the technique.

It helps to read about Fear, Obligation and Guild and work on getting rid of the FOG. The FOG DISCUSSION THREAD can, also, be beneficial for you right now.

BOUNDARIES will become important to you and the link to your left should give you some helpful information.  You might, also, find the quoted information below helpful

1. Check your personal engine light.
Think about how you feel when you’re around someone who drains you and upsets you, someone with whom you feel you lose yourself. How does this feel in your body? How does it feel in your mind? How does the presence of this person affect you?

Now look at this list of feelings and sensations you’ve made, and imagine that your body is like a car, with a dashboard full of warning lights.  You’ve just identified what I like to call the “check engine light” for your personal boundary system. It’s a security system warning that your personal energy field has been breached, and you’re letting in stuff that isn’t yours.

This is really important. When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts of stuff that isn’t actually our stuff, and we give away our own personal energy unconsciously.

That means you’re dealing with a breach of your energetic security system and a leak of your own personal energy. You’re looking at warning signs indicating that some work needs to be done, some boundaries need to be shored up, and you need to return to center.

2. Ground yourself as preparation for maintaining boundaries.
Grounding is akin to the way a tree sinks her roots to stay secure in a storm. It’s the first tool in creating healthy boundaries—nurturing a connection with ourselves, our centers.

Our root system is both our anchor and our boundary system. It keeps us from being blown about in other people’s winds. It gives us a way to focus and still ourselves to connect with our heart and our intuition. That’s what keeps us steady and connected and focused.

There are as many ways to ground as there are people. I like to take five minutes to actually imagine my root system connecting me into the earth, like a giant oak tree. Here are some other ideas:   Meditation; breathing exercises; saying a prayer, affirmation, or mantra in the shower in the morning; mindfulness; chanting or repeating affirmations in your head as you walk.

Try different ways—you’ll find the one that works for you!

3. Notice the people and places that tend to drain you.
Before entering those places or exposing yourself to those people, take a few minutes to imagine breathing a bubble of protective energy around you. Think of it as a space that will only allow love and positivity inside it, deflecting anything else. Really see it and really feel the force of it around you. Then recognize what you need to do to maintain that space.

These three steps will help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. Building boundaries is like any muscle or practice—the more you work with it, the better it serves you!
Here is the link for the above article:  www.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/

Check out some of the referenced information and let us know what you think and if you find any of it helpful to your situation?

[Kwamina]

Hi hotncold

Dealing with depression isn't easy. Based on the stories I've read here it becomes clear that many children of uBPD parents find themselves struggling with depression and/or anxiety in their adult lives. I have struggled with this too.

one more question... .is depression more advanced than anger? I used to react to her with anger and decided that wasn't working... .but having worked on being non-reactive, I instead became depressed... .I don't know if this is an evolution or a backward slide.

Some people say that depression is anger turned inwards. Do you perhaps feel like that is what you have been doing, that instead of directing your anger at your mother you are now silently directing it at yourself?

I have found meditation very helpful and I think it's good that you meditate. There are also other things that can help with depression such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). We have a thread in which we talk about automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic. I encourage you to take a look at it:
Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[Panda39]

My mom is not BPD but is controlling, critical and insensitive which has been hurtful.  I finally came to a place of radical acceptance when it came to her negative comments.  I have been able to detach and not take what she says personally anymore.  She says something snarky I just let it roll off and think "That's about her... .that is not about me".  I will never be what she wants me to be and she will never be what I want her to be, I have accepted that and have set my expectations lower as a result.

No contact or full contact are not your only choices, how about finding a middle place?  How about spending less time with your mom so you aren't bombarded with this quite so often?  Or trying other modes of communication... .email for example.  Send her brief notes or share something you thought was cool on the internet with her so you stay in touch but it's a little bit more superficial... .give yourself some space.

Keep up that meditation it's very worthwhile.

Take Care,
Panda39

[hotncold]

Some people say that depression is anger turned inwards. Do you perhaps feel like that is what you have been doing, that instead of directing your anger at your mother you are now silently directing it at yourself?

I have found meditation very helpful and I think it's good that you meditate. There are also other things that can help with depression such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). We have a thread in which we talk about automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic. I encourage you to take a look at it:
Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Hi Kwamina,
absolutely. I have become aware that I am also constantly putting myself down in many many ways, that I have internalized all the criticisms I ever received about being seriously inferior to others and delusional if I ever consider pursuing things that I like.  My comfort zone is to consider myself seriously flawed.  It's very difficult to get out of that, even though I am trying. But it's where I feel most comfortable, as it is where I have always been placed.  Everything I pursued in life has been attacked, and i have been told I have no talent in the things that I love to do and reminded of the talent of others.  I was told at some point when I started purusing a creative activity that my sister (who no longer pursues anything in her life) is the one with the real talent.  When a relationship with someone who was abusive fell apart my mother said that he was too nice for me anyway.  The thing is that I don't think she understands the degree of damage that her words have done to me, so I have worked through a great deal of anger I had against her. Still, I now how to work with my own internal voice that brings me donw.

I agree meditation is perhaps the best way for me to reverse this type of thinking. But it takes a lot of work.  I have trouble accepting kindness from people, and therefore chose relationship with people who tend not to be kind unfortunately.  It's a very hard pattern to break.

[Kwamina]

Hi again hotncold,

My comfort zone is to consider myself seriously flawed.  It's very difficult to get out of that, even though I am trying. But it's where I feel most comfortable, as it is where I have always been placed.

Perhaps a costs-benefits analysis can help you break this thinking. What would you say are the benefits of considering yourself to be seriously flawed? And what would you say are the costs of viewing yourself this way? Do the benefits outweigh the costs? Or do the costs outweigh the benefits?

When a relationship with someone who was abusive fell apart my mother said that he was too nice for me anyway.

I am sorry your mother said these things to you. You were already being abused in those relationships and your mother's words only made matters worse. What she said to you was hurtful and definitely not right at all.

I agree meditation is perhaps the best way for me to reverse this type of thinking. But it takes a lot of work.  I have trouble accepting kindness from people, and therefore chose relationship with people who tend not to be kind unfortunately.  It's a very hard pattern to break.

Meditation is very helpful but also the cognitive behavior techniques. You can apply those techniques yourself even when you're not in therapy. Do you have experience with these types of techniques? Dr. David Burns lists several techniques to untwist our twisted thinking patterns:

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up", or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."