11 years of pain and suffering, and I finally know why

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello. I have been married almost 11 years riding a rollercoaster, walking on eggshells, and trying to 'fix' my husband, never really understanding what was going on. I came across BPD by searching for characteristics of bi-polar, as I was sure my husband was BP. It's like a veil has been lifted, as I read the stories and see my story in all of them.

I married a sweet, kind man, who made me feel safe, who made me feel loved. I was in about 2 years before I saw the depression. I was in 6 years and pregnant with twins, thinking it was all going to be "ok". It was when the babies were born, collicky, etc. that I started to see the anger and rage. They are 5 now, and the rage is out of control. Any 'regular kid thing' that happens sets him off and triggers the angry monster.

I now live in fear of what it is doing to my beautiful, smart, little girls. I have been pretending it is ok, when he is kind and normal, and not raging, I imagine it can stay like this. I have tried to help him find the answers, seek the counseling, take various remedies, and I've been enabling him, as he is SO sure I will never leave.

I cannot believe I have gotten in this deep. I don't really feel any love for him anymore. We haven't had an intimate relationship in almost 1 year. Every time I start to think I like him (let alone love him) again, he goes into a rage and I fight with him.

He brings out the worst in me, and the negativity (something I never was before) is consuming me. I realized last night, after I squirreled my 5 yr olds to bed, telling them "don't listen" and covering their ears, that I have to protect them. I am their only hope. I am so afraid of what this will do to THEIR futures. I have to stop making this ok... .and although I don't want to put my girls thru a divorce, I wonder which would be worse - staying and giving them the confusing rollercoaster life that I have had, or living with no dad. We talk about it openly, they flip/flop on whether they want him to stay or go. (Based on how he is treating them THAT day).

I need help but I live in a small farm community that doesn't seem to have any counseling for BPD. I have confided in 2 people, my brother and my MIL (she suspected at her last visit, that something was very wrong with him). I don't really know where to turn. I just know that MOMMA BEAR has to protect her cubs. This is the ONLY thing I know for sure.

[so_overit]

Hello. I have been married almost 11 years riding a rollercoaster, walking on eggshells, and trying to 'fix' my husband, never really understanding what was going on. I came across BPD by searching for characteristics of bi-polar, as I was sure my husband was BP. It's like a veil has been lifted, as I read the stories and see my story in all of them.

I married a sweet, kind man, who made me feel safe, who made me feel loved. I was in about 2 years before I saw the depression. I was in 6 years and pregnant with twins, thinking it was all going to be "ok". It was when the babies were born, collicky, etc. that I started to see the anger and rage. They are 5 now, and the rage is out of control. Any 'regular kid thing' that happens sets him off and triggers the angry monster.

I now live in fear of what it is doing to my beautiful, smart, little girls. I have been pretending it is ok, when he is kind and normal, and not raging, I imagine it can stay like this. I have tried to help him find the answers, seek the counseling, take various remedies, and I've been enabling him, as he is SO sure I will never leave.

I cannot believe I have gotten in this deep. I don't really feel any love for him anymore. We haven't had an intimate relationship in almost 1 year. Every time I start to think I like him (let alone love him) again, he goes into a rage and I fight with him.

He brings out the worst in me, and the negativity (something I never was before) is consuming me. I realized last night, after I squirreled my 5 yr olds to bed, telling them "don't listen" and covering their ears, that I have to protect them. I am their only hope. I am so afraid of what this will do to THEIR futures. I have to stop making this ok... .and although I don't want to put my girls thru a divorce, I wonder which would be worse - staying and giving them the confusing rollercoaster life that I have had, or living with no dad. We talk about it openly, they flip/flop on whether they want him to stay or go. (Based on how he is treating them THAT day).

I need help but I live in a small farm community that doesn't seem to have any counseling for BPD. I have confided in 2 people, my brother and my MIL (she suspected at her last visit, that something was very wrong with him). I don't really know where to turn. I just know that MOMMA BEAR has to protect her cubs. This is the ONLY thing I know for sure.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey so overit, Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  Your story is quite familiar.  You are not alone, believe me.  It does seem overwhelming when you're so worn out and exhausted.  The place to start, I might suggest, is by taking better care of yourself.  Often self-care goes out the window in a BPD r/s.  Now is the time to return the focus to you and your needs.  What would you like to see happen?  If you're unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  It's hard, I know, but the pain leads to greater happiness down the road, which is what its all about, right?

LuckyJim

[so_overit]

What would you like to see happen?

Although I am exhausted, and feeling beaten down, I would like to keep our family together. My husband came home feeling of guilt and shame, as always, and has made promises he will do whatever, yet I don't know of anything close by (as far as therapy). I'm trying to figure out where to point him. He will be good for a while, but then the cycle will continue... .I don't think this will get better without some sort of therapy.

Does anyone know of any DBT learning he can do online? Is that even effective without a therapist leading it?

[Lucky Jim]

He will be good for a while, but then the cycle will continue... .I don't think this will get better without some sort of therapy.

Hello again, sooverit, Right, it's likely to repeat until one of you does something to break the cycle.  Otherwise, it will just keep happening, again and again, which is the so-called emotional roller coaster.  Agree, therapy is the logical option, yet those w/BPD can be quite uncooperative about participating in therapy.  Worth a try, of course.

You might encounter rough seas ahead.  We are here to help and have been down this road before you.

LuckyJim

[so_overit]

Agree, therapy is the logical option, yet those w/BPD can be quite uncooperative about participating in therapy.  Worth a try, of course.

I've been on the rough seas for so many years. So, I guess I'm trying to figure out - can someone with BPD (who is willing to work on it) find any relief without a therapist? As we are almost 2.5 hrs from anyone who specializes in this and the closest therapy I can find around us is general marriage counselors. I did find someone 1 hr away with behavioral therapy background, but him working full-time and making that happen with a 2 hour round trip + time with therapist is very unlikely.

[Annie99]

Hi SoOverit

I only recently joined the board myself so dont really feel qualified to give you advice but our stories are so similar, I feel I must share. I have been married 14 years and have eight year old twins with someoe with uBPD. Our marriage counsellor told me he has BPD traits. I could never figure out why our family never worked, no matter how hard I tried. and man did I try - managed the kids, the house, the bills, the social life. Like you, I am struggling with whether to keep my family together or to leave. I worry about his access to the boys (or at least I tell myself this, I recognize I have my own abandonment issues I need to deal with) without me there to protect them.  When he's good, he's fine. But it's impossible to predict. My husband refuses individual treatment, he does attend marriage counselling sessions for 1 hour every 2 weeks. It's not enough. But I am working like crazy on myself and that has been helpful - as has been learning about JADE and the Karpman drama triangle on this site. I've managed to keep any conflict away from the boys and even reduce hugely the amount of conflict. One piece of advice if I may - I dont think you should ask your daughters if they want to stay with their dad or not - that is too much of a decision for a child. I think you need to make that decision for them. I also realized that although I may well leave, I am not ready yet, I need to work on myself more and make the decision from a very clear place, rather than in emotional angst.

[teapay]

We live in a fairly rural area.  There is good medical care nearby, but the number of T is limited and DBT hard to find  in a 1 to 2 hrs radius.  There was really only two places.  One sponsored by state mental health system with a long waiting list and the other a drug/alcohol rehab that only took cash.  My W did the rehab one, which was done the right way, with both group and individual sessions.  I was very skeptical since she had CBT for the prior 2 years and some so called workbook DBT with her T.  After about 1 year of DBT I started seeing some positive results with fewer dysregulations concerning me and fewer severe behaviors (self harm, med abuse, hospitalizations, addictive and impulsive behaviors), but the underlying thinking is still out of whack.  She's had years of cbt, internal family systems and AA and we've done  MC a few times.  She is also on a bunch of meds.  Sometimes I think her brain is pickled with all the therapy she's gotten, but she seems to do better with it all and seems to have accepted she needs it.

After 11 years of marriage and with a 9D, 7D, 5S and 3D and 3S twins I came to the point that breaking up the family might be the lesser of two evils.  My W was really tanking with substance abuse, alot of self harm and a few suicide attempts.  One put her in the hospital for a of couple weeks with the Docs putting her on the liver list---my twins were only 1yr then.  My W was barely functional. What helped me was getting to that point where I was willing the scrap the marriage and the family in its current configuration.  It was at that point I was able to establish and enforce boundaries and give consequences that got her help, as well as, keeping the pressure on to make sure she continued making changes in a positive direction for the family.  I figured if it didn't work I'd estabish a new family configuration that was better for me in the kids.  Taking care of 5 small kids by my self wasn't something I was looking forward too and all its practicalities, but I might have to do it anyway if she bumped herself off.  Over time the strategy has been working with her, but I am still willing to change it if things go south or don't continue to get healthier.  Thankfully, I'm pretty resilent and once I got a better understanding of what was going on with her I been better able to navigate.

[so_overit]

and man did I try - managed the kids, the house, the bills, the social life. Like you, I am struggling with whether to keep my family together or to leave.

wow, annie, we are living very similar lives... .

I dont think you should ask your daughters if they want to stay with their dad or not - that is too much of a decision for a child. I think you need to make that decision for them.

I agree. My girls are at the age where they are calling things out now, they will come to me and say I HATE HIM and I want him to leave. I am sure they got this vibe from me, as (unfortunately and embarrassingly) I have squabbled with him and said "Please Go, and don't come back". I don't know that they'd say he should go, had they not heard me say this. I know I have a ton of work to do on my own to make this a better place for them.

[so_overit]

Taking care of 5 small kids by my self wasn't something I was looking forward too and all its practicalities, but I might have to do it anyway if she bumped herself off. 

I can't imagine handling 5, when I'm barely holding on with my two. I have to say you are very resilient, and sounds like you are being so strong for your kids. I want this. I want to make a life for myself so strong for them, that what he does/does not do will not have such an impact. Right now, I'm the fighting Irish lady who gets in the ring with him. It has to stop. I look forward to spending time here and learning everything I can.

Thank you all for sharing your personal stories. It's helping me immensely just knowing I'm not the only one.