I need help

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So, I am not sure where to start. I am 30. I had a teen pregnancy and I have a wonderful teen son. Besides growing up with a mother with BPD (diagnosed by 3 different psychologists), I was also molested by a family member as a child. I became an addict at a young age but got sober when I realized that I could lose my son and my life. It has been 8 years since I have touched a drug. I have gotten my son and I away from my family of incest and abuse. I have gotten counseling and help for my own PTSD.

I am in a good place, most of the time. Except when I am triggered by my past. I do not talk to anyone in my family, except my mom with BPD. I have noticed that she does not like when I am in contact with the rest of the family. I am fine with no contact with them because they blamed me and not my grandfather, the "patriarch", who sexually molested me and several of my other female cousins.

She is mostly warm to me, except when she is about to have one of her episodes. She usually flies off the handle once every 4 months. As a child, I was her main abuse victim. I have low SE because of it. In fact, when she is in her ranting state, she "victim blames". She cannot understand why I never told her about my abuse, and in the end, it is always my fault. If I had told her, it would have stopped and so I ruined her.

This is so long. I am sorry!

Well, two days ago, I found out that my 13 year old niece was sexually assaulted. The woman that raped her, she got her drunk and assaulted her. My niece reported it and the cops arrested my niece for MUI and not the adult that got her drunk. For some reason, I lost my grip for the first time in a long time. I started puking, and I started reliving my own abuse. I had several panic attacks throughout the day.

I went home that night and had to help my teen son to plastic his window (it is cold in our state). While the encounter was happening, my son just kept pushing me and pushing me until I finally lost it. I went on this awful verbal tirade, JUST LIKE MY MOM! I was pissed because the way he was acting. If I were him, I would have gotten drug through the house and beat with a wire hanger. I was saying things that my mom ranted towards me! She always said "I wished you were never born, you are all f-bombed up! I f-bombed you kids up, I should have had an abortion!" ETC.

I did not hit my son, I never wanted to do what my mother used to do. She would beat me all of the time and it is wrong. But I wanted to hit him. I wanted him to have the same fear that I have of my mom. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to react with the psychotic level of reaction that I have toward my mother.

He stood up to me and I was forced to think about my words. I stopped and realized that the reason he is the way that he is, it is because I got him away from our violent upbringing. I moved him away from the trauma. I made sure to get us help. But now I am sick at my own behavior. I am not like this all of the time. I am very resilient. I have gotten help. I just never thought that what my mother said would spew out of my own mouth.

What do I do? I need help. I already asked my counselor if I had a diagnosis of BPD. I do not have that diagnosis. But I clearly have something wrong. I am so wrong for saying the things that I said. I am sick.

Beyond that, I am at a place where I want to talk to other victims. There is no support group in my rural community. So I am here. I am asking for help from other people.

[nenarox2]

So, I am not sure where to start. I am 30. I had a teen pregnancy and I have a wonderful teen son. Besides growing up with a mother with BPD (diagnosed by 3 different psychologists), I was also molested by a family member as a child. I became an addict at a young age but got sober when I realized that I could lose my son and my life. It has been 8 years since I have touched a drug. I have gotten my son and I away from my family of incest and abuse. I have gotten counseling and help for my own PTSD.

I am in a good place, most of the time. Except when I am triggered by my past. I do not talk to anyone in my family, except my mom with BPD. I have noticed that she does not like when I am in contact with the rest of the family. I am fine with no contact with them because they blamed me and not my grandfather, the "patriarch", who sexually molested me and several of my other female cousins.

She is mostly warm to me, except when she is about to have one of her episodes. She usually flies off the handle once every 4 months. As a child, I was her main abuse victim. I have low SE because of it. In fact, when she is in her ranting state, she "victim blames". She cannot understand why I never told her about my abuse, and in the end, it is always my fault. If I had told her, it would have stopped and so I ruined her.

This is so long. I am sorry!

Well, two days ago, I found out that my 13 year old niece was sexually assaulted. The woman that raped her, she got her drunk and assaulted her. My niece reported it and the cops arrested my niece for MUI and not the adult that got her drunk. For some reason, I lost my grip for the first time in a long time. I started puking, and I started reliving my own abuse. I had several panic attacks throughout the day.

I went home that night and had to help my teen son to plastic his window (it is cold in our state). While the encounter was happening, my son just kept pushing me and pushing me until I finally lost it. I went on this awful verbal tirade, JUST LIKE MY MOM! I was pissed because the way he was acting. If I were him, I would have gotten drug through the house and beat with a wire hanger. I was saying things that my mom ranted towards me! She always said "I wished you were never born, you are all f-bombed up! I f-bombed you kids up, I should have had an abortion!" ETC.

I did not hit my son, I never wanted to do what my mother used to do. She would beat me all of the time and it is wrong. But I wanted to hit him. I wanted him to have the same fear that I have of my mom. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to react with the psychotic level of reaction that I have toward my mother.

He stood up to me and I was forced to think about my words. I stopped and realized that the reason he is the way that he is, it is because I got him away from our violent upbringing. I moved him away from the trauma. I made sure to get us help. But now I am sick at my own behavior. I am not like this all of the time. I am very resilient. I have gotten help. I just never thought that what my mother said would spew out of my own mouth.

What do I do? I need help. I already asked my counselor if I had a diagnosis of BPD. I do not have that diagnosis. But I clearly have something wrong. I am so wrong for saying the things that I said. I am sick.

Beyond that, I am at a place where I want to talk to other victims. There is no support group in my rural community. So I am here. I am asking for help from other people.

[Kwamina]

Hi nenarox2

Welcome to our online community. You have been through a lot in your life. I am very sorry that you were subjected to such horrible abuse. You've worked very hard to heal yourself and protect yourself and your son from your unhealthy family-members. The fact that you acknowledge your issues and have worked so hard to heal yourself, really says a lot about the strength of your character

I can understand why you would distance yourself from your family since they blamed you for the sexual abuse you endured. Being abused is horrible enough and it is very sad to be then treated like this by your own family. Healing from this type of abuse often requires a lot of work, that's why I am glad you have gotten counseling and help for your PTSD. How long were you treated for this? Are you still receiving counseling for your PTSD?

It makes sense to me though that you would still have certain triggers. What happened to your niece was quite extreme and given the nature of it and also that she got arrested and not the adult who assaulted her, I can see how this could trigger you given your own history. How is your niece doing now?

We have a thread here about dealing with trauma that I encourage you to take a look at:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivor's Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. The guide isn't necessarily a lineair healing process, often we'll find ourselves working on multiple steps at once and revisiting steps we had previously worked on. Are there any particular areas listed that you currently find yourself working on and/or struggling with?

The fact that you notice certain similarities between you and your mother worries you. Many children of BPD parents will notice certain BPD-like traits in themselves when they are adults. This does not have to mean that you actually have BPD yourself though. Often it are learned unhealthy behaviors or developed coping mechanisms that might not serve us so well anymore now that we are adults. We discuss this topic in a feature thread:
Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

How is your son doing now? Did you discuss what happened with him?

I am very glad you reached out here for support and advice. You've had a difficult childhood and have come a long way. You are dealing with certain issues, but I do believe that through hard work you can continue your healing process.

Take care

[Turkish]

First,  I hope that your niece is getting help despite being arrested.  I can only say "what the ?" That definitely must be triggering given your past abuse and a family which enabled and denied it.  I've gone through something like this with my 4 year old daughter.  It's both sad and pathetic how families rally around the perpetrator while failing to protect the innocent. 

I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivor's Guide as The Board Parrot (Kwamina) suggested.  It's good to establish a baseline of where you're at. 

Many of us with BPD parents struggle with acting out what we experienced. The first time I raised my hand to my then 4 year old son and he flinched (I've never struck him), I turned it back on myself: am I like my mother,  where smacking was the go-to solution? It gave me pause,  major pause.  Acknowledging what may drive your emotions is a good first step. 

Turkish

[nenarox2]

Thank you for your response. I am reading the resources that you provided!
As for my niece, they agreed to do a forensic investigation, but the police were very accusatory to my niece. It is such a rural community with "blame the victim" type attitudes. She will also be going to a group home.
My son is doing better. We had a long talk about my childhood vs. the childhood that he has. We really want to get family counseling to deal with that trauma. I had been getting counseling for my ptsd for 4 years, but my insurance is now really fighting and increasing my co-pay to the point where it is taking food out of our mouths. I am no longer in counseling.
I wish that there resources in my community for the "working poor". I make too much for help, but too little to afford to pay.

I am very concerned with my behavior and I wonder, can you develop BPD later in life?

[Kwamina]

Hi again nenarox2,

Great that you are reading those resources

It is very sad that the police treated your niece this way though. It is great that they agreed to do a forensic investigation, but that "blame the victim" attitude is very unfortunate. Have you talked to your niece since this all happened? How does she feel about going to a group home?

I totally agree with what Turkish said about how acknowledging what may drive your emotions is a good first step, he is very wise you know Communication is key in all relationships so I am very glad you had a long talk with your son.

I am very concerned with my behavior and I wonder, can you develop BPD later in life?

You pose a very interesting question here. I cannot definitively answer this question for you, but what I can say is that you questioning yourself and trying to work so hard on being the best person you can be, already sets you apart from your mother. I think it's also important to consider that many children of BPD parents suffer from complex PTSD which can sometimes manifest itself in similar ways as BPD, purely looking at some of the outer symptoms. The most important thing is to acknowledge any unhealthy behaviors or coping mechanisms you might notice in yourself and then try to replace them with more healthy behaviors/mechanisms.

PTSD is a serious disorder and indeed requires professional help. It is very unfortunate that you are now unable to get counseling. I hope that in some point in the future this situation will change. In the meantime I encourage you to keep reading the resources on this site as they too can greatly assist you in your healing process. I also encourage you to keep posting because many of our members know how extremely difficult it can be when you're raised by a disordered parent and many of our members also have (c)PTSD.

Take care

The Board Parrot