Surviving our second miscarriage

[Foolishwizdom]

It is in these moments that I question how to do this and why... .  moments when I wish I had a supportive, emotionally-steady partner that I can rely on.

It is in these moments that I am grieving and angry and struggling to process my own emotions that I cannot validate or listen with empathy or not be defensive.

And I wonder... .can we do this?  Can we do this healthily? If we fail each other when we need each other the most?  If he pushes my sensitive buttons when I am most vulnerable?

Does it get easier to do as you practice over the years?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be painful, and to not have the emotional support of your partner would make it even more so.

I often feel distant from my wife. There are many things I would love to be able to share with her - to laugh about, to cry about - but i know that she will not be able to handle them. That is just who she is.

Everyone has their own limitations - a BPD person just has a few more. When we choose to stay with our partner we have to accept them for the good and bad - that is true of everyone.

This is why to remain in a BPD relationship we need to look after ourselves even more. Have good friends outside the relationship to rely on. Make sure that you have the support when you need it. Do you have some girlfriends you can lean on?

I know this doesn't replace the bond you should have with your partner. 

[Foolishwizdom]

I do have good friends and support network.  One of my girlfriends is going to pick me up from the hospital after I have my D&C tomorrow. My dBPD Husband is going to drop me off but has court later in the day.

Later tonight we were able to sit on the couch and I leaned on him with his arm around me. This helped us both I think to engage but not talk, to share presence but be in different headspaces.

At the same time that I think, "this is enough, this is grieving differently but together"... .I still want him to just put his arm around me and ask what I am feeling and how he can help. I do keep wondering what is wrong with me that I am willing to settle? That the good I see in him seems worth discounting my own needs or allowing myself to question the legitimacy of my needs. But then what I work on with my counselor is the feeling that I have had since childhood that I am too 'needy' and my reticence to show my needs and vulnerabilities. My perfectionism that has tried not to have needs or weaknesses or failures.


And while I know this is not a rational thought, I keep wondering if it is some 'sign' that we are not supposed to have children together.

[ArleighBurke]

When my wife miscarried, I'm not sure I "felt it" the same way as her. It was quite early on (<10 wks). I knew it was painful for her, but I really didn't feel the significance. It's quite hard being emotionally supportive when you just don't get it. Then throw in having a mental condition... .

Perhaps just be open and clear with him. Tell him what you need as clearly as possible. And not "support me" - that's too unclear. Be specific "just listen to me and hold me - you dont have to say anything" - "I will be sad for many days - it's not you - if you see me sad - just hug me for a while".

[coworkerfriend]

I am so sorry for your losses.  I had miscarriages in the past with my first husband who I am no longer with.  At the time, I didn't even know about personality disorders but as I look back,  I believe he suffers from one as well.  He couldn't comfort me - he was unable to even begin to understand.

I think that it is truly impossible for anyone to understand how you feel unless you go through it.  It is painful on so many levels.  I am sorry that I don't have words of wisdom - I just wanted to give you a hug. 

[Foolishwizdom]

Tonight we were thinking about watching the Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin special (I got him the whole Holiday set last Christmas.)  I told him that I was starting to feel tired and some abdomen discomfort and I was taking some meds. I then asked if he thought the Charlie Brown movie was up in his mancave and if he would go get it.  He sighed, and said that he thought that if I was interested in watching it, that I would be motivated enough to get up and get it upstairs.

It is a little thing. But I did ask for a specific thing - would he get the movie. And still, his reaction is to feel put upon.  I know this is why sometimes I just don't ask for a kindness or help if I think that he will get annoyed. And by now, I should expect it. I should not react. I should de-personalize. But it still sometimes throws me. There is still a part of me that has seen him be compassionate and thinks it can be ok to look for it consistently. But I have to remember I can't.

He can see that friends are bringing us food, I am off from work. But he can't connect that to the request for help.  When I realize it isn't there, the disappointment is fresh. Like Alzheimer's patients that have moments of lucidness and then it goes away, it is like I get glimpses of the man he can be and the life we can have and then it goes away and I end up realizing that it was the exception, not the norm. 

That is still hard. I am doing a lot of reflecting since this pregnancy started and especially since the miscarriage was confirmed on Monday.  I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and life inventory (I don't have enough posts to go that board yet here so I am not sure where to go for that.) Not sure where to go from here. Not sure who or what to prioritize in my life or how to even trust my motivations or instincts. I feel angry and disconnected and lonely.

[ArleighBurke]

Foolish:

I feel angry and disconnected and lonely.

This is understandable. You have suffered a loss of a part of you - that's going to make you question a lot of things. Some of what you feel is probably temporary - pain from the misscarriage - but a lot may be permanent.

It will take a while to know what you want. But the process of discovery is a good thing to go through.

I then asked if he thought the Charlie Brown movie was up in his mancave and if he would go get it.  He sighed, and said that he thought that if I was interested in watching it, that I would be motivated enough to get up and get it upstairs. ... .And still, his reaction is to feel put upon. 

A reasonable request of him! However, remember he is "less aware" of your emotional state, and "less aware" of your mental state. He could easily interpret this as a "go fetch" command.

Would this work better:
"Is the Charlie Brown movie in you mancave? I know it's my choice of movie, and I could go and get it, but I feel quite sore at the moment and worry that the extra movement will be painful. Would you be able to get it for us? I would really appricate that"
This doesn't require him to connect the dots. It doesn't require him to "know/remember" that you are in pain. I know it feels stupid - because he SHOULD know - but we do have to modify our words/behaviours a little to compensate for the BPD.

I think there is a conversation method called DEAR which is like this.

[ElinorD]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. That's a very heavy thing you're going through, and to not have him supporting you is another source of grief on top of that.

I'm new here, but it brings to mind how it was when our daughter was about to have a biopsy on a bone because cancer was suspected. I was so afraid, and sad she was going through this, and what I really needed from my DH was gentleness and shared feelings. He basically told me I was wrong to feel the way I was feeling because we didn't know enough yet. And I realized that he wasn't capable of going through this kind of life difficulty with us holding onto each other and giving each other strength. And that was a second grief on top of the fear and pity any mother would feel for her child.

Again, I'm so sorry.

[Foolishwizdom]

I know that the comments on learning how to better interact with the BPD and to manage my expectations are accurate.

Somehow even that feels like it invalidates my own experience or feelings. I recognize that means that maybe I am not cut out for a long-term relationship with someone with BPD. If in the hard moments I am going to revert back to expectations of an ideal relationship response that is not realistic with my spouse.

When we had our first miscarriage in the Spring, he handled it differently. He was supportive, he articulated feelings, and we held each other through it. This second time, he is focusing on fixing things. On healthy habits to keep depression and perhaps future miscarriages at bay and appointments with reproductive health specialists. He seems to be trying the drill sergeant approach to making me better.

So again, I guess it is my unrealistic expectation that he might be consistent. We are both angrier this time rather than heartbroken.

I'm just tired. I don't know how to trust my own thoughts, feelings, and expectations.