Let 20 year old BPD daughter move home? If so, with what rules

[Dad123]

My 20 yo recently diagnosed BPD daughter is nearing the end of her stay at a shared apartment sponsored by her treatment facility.

My SO and I are trying to decide whether to let her move back home or to help her find an apartment or rooming house near our home to temporarily reside while we continue to rebuild our family relationship with regular visits. 

When the BPD symptoms are not ruling her, she is pretty self sufficient (has a part time job, feeds herself, does laundry).

She has regularly visited home during her treatment and the visits have ranged from very good to very bad.  Most of the time when the visits are bad she is raging about wanting to move home (not to an apartment).

Lately the "rage" has really been more of a sadness (not as much anger).  She claims that with her new DBT skills, she will be better equipped to live at home.

If we would let her move home, she would have household rules to follow and certain conditions under which she would have to move back out.

Is is better to not have her move home for now or better to give her a chance at home with the possibility of her having to move back out under duress?

Do you have any tips or guidelines for house rules?

thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Dad123,

She may feel overwhelmed by the transition and want to take small steps toward independence. It's understandable -- becoming a self-sufficient adult is not easy.

My concern would be that she wants to stay with you because she feels incompetent. If your D20 is like my SO's D19, the trap we often fall into is responding to her neediness by confirming it (like telling her how to solve a problem instead of guiding her to do so on her own).

It took a lot of effort on my part when D19 lived with us to find that special blend of relationships skills: acknowledging her needy/incompetent feelings while gently encouraging her to demonstrate her abilities. Her dad is a can-do kind of guy, which works in his job, but with D19, she both begged for help and bitterly resented his help at the same time and he could not seem to help himself. With me, she would behave like a young adult. With him, she would often regress to toddler-like behaviors.

Perhaps you can write up a contract and work on the details together. It might help to have a probational period with a known end date where you reconsider if it's working, and in the meantime collect rent that you will save for her, and she can use toward her apartment. Decide together what are deal breakers that neither of you can live with, and maybe discuss how you will resolve disagreements. Whatever you decide should be things you are willing to follow through with. And the consequences can be spelled out clearly -- she moves out into an apartment and can revisit living with you after you've both had a chance to regroup and get some distance.

I know all of our BPD children are different so maybe this does not apply in your situation. I noticed, tho, with SO's D19 that when SO was lecturing or telling her how to think and act in the world, she would regress and the problematic behaviors would escalate. I learned to interject with, "I wonder if D19 has thoughts about this." It was like watering a thirsty flower, she was desperate for someone to believe she was capable.
I say this only because if your D moves back home because she feels incapable, you will probably have to underscore (through your own behaviors) the many ways she has agency in the experiment of her living at home following DBT.

I should also say that I am doing something similar with my S15 who has a BPD father and some behaviors that are BPD-like. I have had to work with my therapist to come up with clear contracts, including consequences that can be easily reinforced. Even when S15 violates the contract, and I enforce the consequences, his outbursts have a different feel to them, almost like he is both mad and relieved at the same time. Having the structure spelled out and knowing the parameters and boundaries that he has to work inside has helped a lot. That, and having regular chores and responsibilities, so he feels like a full member of the house.

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi Dad 123,
I'm not a disciplinarian, was not a strict mom, and setting boundaries was always an issue for me. When my 23 year old BPD addict daughter, her 3 month old baby, and her heroin addict husband showed up at my door not too long ago I had no choice (because of the baby) but to let them move in. Fortunately I have a lot of room in my house.
I got to a point where she was raging out of control and had posted suicidal thoughts on Facebook. I called the police and had her taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She fought them like crazy, and they sedated her & kicked her out early the next morning. She's mad as hell at me for doing that but she also learned that I'll do it again if I have to. My rules are no violence, not destruction, no heroin. Any of those things and I will call the police. I also took her off my car insurance, so she can't drive anywhere. If she takes the car, she has no doubt I will report it stolen. I have explained to her that I'd rather see her in jail than dead.  Those are really my only rules. We are getting along, she's on suboxone treatment and has started a new round of psych meds with a new DBT specialty group and I'm hopeful. Good luck to you.