Introduction

[simon514]

Hello.  I am new to the group and am, for the first time, seeking support for myself as I navigate the waters of having and adult child (18 y.o.) with BPD, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, and likely ADD.  My daughter is a senior in high school, but was asked to leave her boarding school a few weeks ago, due to a suicide attempt.  She is a talented young woman and has already received multiple scholarship offers, yet with only one credit remaining, she is currently not enrolled in school.  She enrolled yesterday in a 30-60 day residential treatment program and I have no idea where we go from here or what to expect from the RTC.  I am shocked at how isolated I feel, even though I have good friends; this is just something that others can't understand and most people are extremely uncomfortable with the topic.  I feel like friends are avoiding me, and we've even had people that don't want their young children near our daughter.  It feels as though she has left a trail of destruction behind her and I feel powerless to stop it.  Hopefully the RTC will be a step in the right direction, but I feel skeptical that even 30 days can change what's been going on for 6 years.  I'm happy to have finally made the move to seek support from others with similar challenges and hope that I will find wisdom and encouragement in this group.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Hello Simon - welcome to BPD fam. I am sorry to hear the struggles you are going thru with your D.  The isolation you feel is difficult to deal with, one of the reasons I joined this board because everybody can relate and are non-judgmental.  A few of our friends seemed a little judgmental and family simply cannot relate and didn't have any real experience / advice to offer.

My D16 has just completed (discharged 4 weeks ago) an 8 month RTC program. The program SAVED our family. She had been suicidal and the meds she was on were making things worse.   

There is hope, thing can get better.  At least now you know she is in a safe environment and can get the care she needs. Use this time arming yourself with knowledge. The lessons and tools to the right are wonderful. You would be surprised how just the change in tone can lead to a conversation and not a battle. 

Hopefully your D can go back to her school once she's stabilized to finish the school year and graduate.

There are lots of wonderful people here, please post and let BPD members help. Have a Bright Day 

[livednlearned]

Hi simon514,

I wanted to join BrightDayMom in welcoming you.

It's heartbreaking what this disorder can do, not only to the person suffering, but to the family who loves them. I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel.

As you say, good friends are not likely to understand, and they probably are extremely uncomfortable. One thing I learned is that my friends are not therapists, they don't have the skills nor the experience to walk next to me. They are still friends and need some direction from me.

For your friends, could they be feeling some shame? If so, that may be the emotion that causes them to turn away more than anything. Shame because they are not strong enough for the kind of support you need. You may need to be the emotional leader on that front, if you can. That might mean acknowledging to them that you recognize the challenges, and want them to do xyz to protect the friendships. Whatever xyz may be for you.

One of the relationship skills I learned from BPD books is that too much deep conversation can be emotionally arousing, and while that observation is directed toward BPD sufferers, the skill of stating your truth and then moving on can apply equally to friendships. They want to be there for you and support you, and they don't know how. Letting them know what you need, how you feel, and recognizing at the same time that their skills will be limited allows them to be what they are: good friends who care. Therapists and people here can bear witness to your pain and then you can go have a good time with friends

You may be right that 30 days is not enough. The upside is that there is a dx and she is getting treatment. The book Buddha and the Borderline (worth reading) points out that some people get the dx and are never told! The woman in that book spent a decade not knowing why her relationships were so unstable, why she suffered so much, why she felt the way she did.

It's a long road, and it can be exquisitely painful. My mom used to say you can only be as happy as your saddest child, and that is saying a lot for mothers who have BPD children. Even so, learning to communicate with your daughter as she struggles to heal can in itself be very healing. I see the world so different after learning about BPD, for the better.

There is a grieving period, and everyone goes through it in different ways. For me, I realize my son is on the boundary between special needs and high needs. Like your daughter, he is gifted and talented, and it is a terrible tease to see such divergent paths for him. I really had to grieve and let go of the vision I had for him and meet him where he is at.

Do you have other kids? Is your family engaged and helping you?

Keep posting. It really does help

LnL