Overwhelming Sadness in her Writing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Two weeks ago, I decided that I'm just not going on Facebook anymore.  I don't post anything, and everything is private anyway, but I was using it to see what my former friend BPD has been up to.  At this point, everything still hurts, mostly because she went from telling me that we may have an actual relationship someday to saying, "We will never happen."  A week later, she raged on me and discarded me. 

Instead, I've decided to try to figure out her past a little, to help me realize that what happened with me wasn't some fluke, that her life has been chaos for many years.  I Googled her today and really went deep into the search results.  I found a creative writing website, and although I can't be 100% sure that the account is hers, since she didn't put a location or add a userpic, I'm about 90% sure it is.  The poem on the website references Alice in Wonderland, her favorite book of all time, and I know she had written a lot in the past.  Also, the language very much matches hers (she is an incredible writer; I read some papers she wrote for a college class).  Also, the two pieces (a poem and a short story) are from 2011, the year she first tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded.

The reason I'm posting about this is that I think we sometimes forget that pwBPD are people.  I know I certainly have, and there have even been times even today that I forgot it.  I can never forgive her for some of the things she did and said to me.  Honestly, they were the cruelest things anyone has ever done or said to me.  However, she does have a serious disorder, and her early life was terrible, so I do still have sympathy for her.  No child deserves to be abused and to move multiple times because her mother can't stay married for long. 

I read the poem and the story on that website and just about broke down.  The poem has a triumphant tone but it laced with sadness.  It speaks of a relationship gone south and of the writer's anguish over it and desire to overcome that anguish.  During this time, my former friend broke up with her high school boyfriend, whom she'd dated for a few years and thought she was going to marry.  The story is much sadder.  It is very clearly about suicide.  There were pieces written by a teenager who was probably just starting to exhibit some of the more serious characteristics of BPD (it seems like everything started going downhill after high school). 

The writer (again, probably her) only had a few followers, none of them people she knew, and they all just commented on her strong writing.  It just makes me so sad to think that she was publishing these thoughts and that no one she knew read them.  I don't know exactly when she wrote them, but it couldn't have been that long before she tried to kill herself.

A few months ago, she told me that she "no longer knew" the girl from four years ago, that she had changed.  A few months ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and then started smoking pot again.  Six weeks ago, she tried to kill herself again.  Until pwBPD get the therapy they so desperately need, they will never be able to leave behind the person they were in the past because that person is still with them.  A month before she tried to kill herself, she made an art project (she was substituting for an art teacher) that was rife with symbolism about having a second chance at life, about 2011 not being the end, but the beginning.  I told her how proud I was of her, how much I liked the project.  She never finished that project.  That feeling was fleeting, a rare moment in time when she wasn't feeling broken. 

Don't get me wrong.  The lying, the manipulation, the push/pull, the devaluing, the raging, and the discarding were awful, and I certainly don't miss feeling like anything I said or did could set her off.  But at the end of the day, the depression she suffers from all the time is far and above the pain I feel from her treatment of me.  I can't change it.  I can't save her.  She could come running to me tomorrow, and there's nothing I could say or do that would fix anything.  And honestly, there really isn't anything her boyfriend can do, either.  He's even more lost than I was, and I have many people around me who saw her true colors right away, whereas he is surrounded by friends and family who also like her.  She will likely keep going through the same cycle that she's been going through since 2011, and despite everything that happened, I do feel some sadness. 

[SummerStorm]

Two weeks ago, I decided that I'm just not going on Facebook anymore.  I don't post anything, and everything is private anyway, but I was using it to see what my former friend BPD has been up to.  At this point, everything still hurts, mostly because she went from telling me that we may have an actual relationship someday to saying, "We will never happen."  A week later, she raged on me and discarded me. 

Instead, I've decided to try to figure out her past a little, to help me realize that what happened with me wasn't some fluke, that her life has been chaos for many years.  I Googled her today and really went deep into the search results.  I found a creative writing website, and although I can't be 100% sure that the account is hers, since she didn't put a location or add a userpic, I'm about 90% sure it is.  The poem on the website references Alice in Wonderland, her favorite book of all time, and I know she had written a lot in the past.  Also, the language very much matches hers (she is an incredible writer; I read some papers she wrote for a college class).  Also, the two pieces (a poem and a short story) are from 2011, the year she first tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded.

The reason I'm posting about this is that I think we sometimes forget that pwBPD are people.  I know I certainly have, and there have even been times even today that I forgot it.  I can never forgive her for some of the things she did and said to me.  Honestly, they were the cruelest things anyone has ever done or said to me.  However, she does have a serious disorder, and her early life was terrible, so I do still have sympathy for her.  No child deserves to be abused and to move multiple times because her mother can't stay married for long. 

I read the poem and the story on that website and just about broke down.  The poem has a triumphant tone but it laced with sadness.  It speaks of a relationship gone south and of the writer's anguish over it and desire to overcome that anguish.  During this time, my former friend broke up with her high school boyfriend, whom she'd dated for a few years and thought she was going to marry.  The story is much sadder.  It is very clearly about suicide.  There were pieces written by a teenager who was probably just starting to exhibit some of the more serious characteristics of BPD (it seems like everything started going downhill after high school). 

The writer (again, probably her) only had a few followers, none of them people she knew, and they all just commented on her strong writing.  It just makes me so sad to think that she was publishing these thoughts and that no one she knew read them.  I don't know exactly when she wrote them, but it couldn't have been that long before she tried to kill herself.

A few months ago, she told me that she "no longer knew" the girl from four years ago, that she had changed.  A few months ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and then started smoking pot again.  Six weeks ago, she tried to kill herself again.  Until pwBPD get the therapy they so desperately need, they will never be able to leave behind the person they were in the past because that person is still with them.  A month before she tried to kill herself, she made an art project (she was substituting for an art teacher) that was rife with symbolism about having a second chance at life, about 2011 not being the end, but the beginning.  I told her how proud I was of her, how much I liked the project.  She never finished that project.  That feeling was fleeting, a rare moment in time when she wasn't feeling broken. 

Don't get me wrong.  The lying, the manipulation, the push/pull, the devaluing, the raging, and the discarding were awful, and I certainly don't miss feeling like anything I said or did could set her off.  But at the end of the day, the depression she suffers from all the time is far and above the pain I feel from her treatment of me.  I can't change it.  I can't save her.  She could come running to me tomorrow, and there's nothing I could say or do that would fix anything.  And honestly, there really isn't anything her boyfriend can do, either.  He's even more lost than I was, and I have many people around me who saw her true colors right away, whereas he is surrounded by friends and family who also like her.  She will likely keep going through the same cycle that she's been going through since 2011, and despite everything that happened, I do feel some sadness. 

[gotujockin]

Her BPD will constantly keep her in that cycle, being sad and empty unless she gets help will continue to be in her life no matter what.  I understand you want to help her but she actually needs professional help.  The more you look for things they more you're going to find and it won't help hers or your cause.  From experience trying to help without a professional all we're doing is providing them with a distraction which in term will lead them to go back to what their used to coping with.  It's a vicious cycle.

[heartandwhole]

Hi SummerStorm,

I agree—it IS sad when you stop and think about what a pwBPD goes through. Of course, each is an individual whose symptoms lie on a spectrum, so their experiences are as unique as yours and mine, but your point is a very good one.

I can totally understand your feeling sad even after having been treated so poorly. I think compassion is something we all can benefit from, especially when we've had a bit of distance from the initial drama of breaking up.

How are you dealing with your painful feelings these days, SummerStorm?

heartandwhole

[lovenature]

I was using it to see what my former friend BPD has been up to.  At this point, everything still hurts, mostly because she went from telling me that we may have an actual relationship someday to saying, "We will never happen."  A week later, she raged on me and discarded me.  

Instead, I've decided to try to figure out her past a little, to help me realize that what happened with me wasn't some fluke, that her life has been chaos for many years.

A PWBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment. If you really want to detach and heal from your relationship, I would recommend you shift the focus from her to you; it is very painful when you realize why you stayed in a toxic relationship, but it is the way to healthier relationships, and life in general.

[SummerStorm]

I got a notification that this thread had updates.  Just checking to make sure you realize that the original  is from almost a year and a half ago.   

She and I are friends.  We've been back in contact for almost a year.  It's not always easy--she has BPD, after all--but it is what it is.  I just saw her recently, and we text a few times a week or so. 

But anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew that this post from last July doesn't reflect where I am right now at all.  I wouldn't have even remembered posting it if I hadn't gotten the notification about new replies. 

[heartandwhole]

Ha! I didn't realize it, Summer Storm. . I'm glad you are doing well and are able to have friendly communications with your ex.

heartandwhole

[SummerStorm]

Ha! I didn't realize it, Summer Storm. . I'm glad you are doing well and are able to have friendly communications with your ex.

heartandwhole

It's cool, heartandwhole.  I was just a little thrown off by the fact that people were giving me advice about something that happened over a year ago, . 

[Learning Fast]

Hi SS,

Good to hear from you and glad to see that you're in a good spot with her and have been able to maintain a friendship.  I think that acceptance of the various BPD traits is crucial to any type of ongoing contact.  Nothing but best wishes to you!

LF