Split while pregnant and partner refusing to sort out child arrangements

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My partner left just after Christmas, claiming he wanted to be on his own as he wasn't sure what he wanted in our relationship. I was about 10 weeks pregnant.

I said that if that's what he wanted then to take the time to think and I fully expected him to be back in a week. He moved to his mums.

He had been calling around in the day and taking me and my son out for days out etc and I thought we were getting back on track.

I then find out he's been seeing someone else and he was calling around here in the day and seeing her at night.

Anyway, we've split up ... .but ex partner insists we should still be friends for our son. I don't want anything to do with him. I keep asking him to make arrangement with me to see our son.

He just wants to call around when he feels like it and says this is because of his work load. He can't commit to certain days of seeing our son as he might let him down on days when he has to work late. This is rubbish.

He keeps asking me if we can sort things out amicably, but when I agree to sitting down with him to discuss our son and other aspects in a neutral setting, perhaps with someone else there as a mediator. He just tells me he's seeking legal action.

We keep going around in circles. I tell him I want to talk and sort things out. He will message me a few days later asking me if we can sort things out amicably. I say yes, let's sit down and talk and then he tells me he's seeking legal action.

I don't know how to progress with anything. Help would be appreciated.

[louloulou]

My partner left just after Christmas, claiming he wanted to be on his own as he wasn't sure what he wanted in our relationship. I was about 10 weeks pregnant.

I said that if that's what he wanted then to take the time to think and I fully expected him to be back in a week. He moved to his mums.

He had been calling around in the day and taking me and my son out for days out etc and I thought we were getting back on track.

I then find out he's been seeing someone else and he was calling around here in the day and seeing her at night.

Anyway, we've split up ... .but ex partner insists we should still be friends for our son. I don't want anything to do with him. I keep asking him to make arrangement with me to see our son.

He just wants to call around when he feels like it and says this is because of his work load. He can't commit to certain days of seeing our son as he might let him down on days when he has to work late. This is rubbish.

He keeps asking me if we can sort things out amicably, but when I agree to sitting down with him to discuss our son and other aspects in a neutral setting, perhaps with someone else there as a mediator. He just tells me he's seeking legal action.

We keep going around in circles. I tell him I want to talk and sort things out. He will message me a few days later asking me if we can sort things out amicably. I say yes, let's sit down and talk and then he tells me he's seeking legal action.

I don't know how to progress with anything. Help would be appreciated.

[Turkish]

Hi louloulou,

Forgive me for soinding ignorant, but when you mention your son, you're talking about just your baby with whim you're about 5 months pregnant with, right?

His threats may be bluster, but it would be good to start documenting the events. Members have found a weekly journal to work well. Back date it. Collate all other communications. Since the baby isn't born, his paternity hasn't legally been established.

Have you consulted with an attorney yet?

Turkish

[ForeverDad]

Your post was a little ambiguous.  Like Turkish, I'll assume you're about halfway through your pregnancy, right?  If he's left you (and gone off into another relationship as well) then there is no basis for him to have any relationship with you other than co-parenting.  Yes, it would be best to be on good terms, but they don't have to be friendly or overly friendly terms.

And his word games seeking contact on his terms and then bringing up legal scenarios is a bit of carrot and stick behavioral pressuring.  See it for what it is, until you get it legally established he's likely to keep trying to sabotage your boundaries of what is appropriate.

Is the son you reference the unborn child that has been identified as a boy through sonograms, or a different child already born?  If a different child, is it his?  If it is not his then he has no legal claim to being the parent unless he has adopted him, though some courts have held that being in a parental role at some point may enable the state to pursue child support.

We look forward to hearing back from you, this is a good place to find peer support when dealing with confounding and unreasonable people in our lives.