How does one address conflict in relationship with borderline friend?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone,

A young woman I know (let's call her Anne) is friends with a pwBPD, whose mental health has really spiraled in the last six months. She's 20 and the BPD has really manifested itself. Naturally, this young woman (they're both college students) has been dealing with a lot of conflict with the pwBPD. In the last few months, the pwBPD has been acting erratically, lashing out at her, etc. etc. Anne wants to distance herself, but a) shares a minor with the pwBPD so they will have the same classes for the next year and a half b) shares friends. Furthermore, she is worried that either talking with her about their relationship or distancing herself by not responding will lead the pwBPD to paint her as 'all-bad' and that will only make things worse. Again, if she didn't have shared classes or friends I don't think it would be an issue. SO she's stuck in a double-bind and is really stressed out about this. I should add that this young woman is a rape survivor already dealing with a lot of trauma, anxiety, and stress. Needless to say this drama, hostility, and aggression from the pwBPD is really harming her emotional health and ability to heal.

[FeelingBitter]

Hey everyone,

A young woman I know (let's call her Anne) is friends with a pwBPD, whose mental health has really spiraled in the last six months. She's 20 and the BPD has really manifested itself. Naturally, this young woman (they're both college students) has been dealing with a lot of conflict with the pwBPD. In the last few months, the pwBPD has been acting erratically, lashing out at her, etc. etc. Anne wants to distance herself, but a) shares a minor with the pwBPD so they will have the same classes for the next year and a half b) shares friends. Furthermore, she is worried that either talking with her about their relationship or distancing herself by not responding will lead the pwBPD to paint her as 'all-bad' and that will only make things worse. Again, if she didn't have shared classes or friends I don't think it would be an issue. SO she's stuck in a double-bind and is really stressed out about this. I should add that this young woman is a rape survivor already dealing with a lot of trauma, anxiety, and stress. Needless to say this drama, hostility, and aggression from the pwBPD is really harming her emotional health and ability to heal.

[Notwendy]

I hope this young lady is in counseling on campus for her own issues in addition to the stress from her friend.

I think one direction is to distance herself from the drama- by trying to be pleasant, non-reactive, and not get into personal discussions with the friend/classmate. NC is probably better, but if the two of them share classes, that is probably not possible.

Inform your friend about the drama triangle- and any roles she may play on it. When her friend confides in her- does she feel she needs to rescue?

While she may fear her friend will paint her black, in reality- her friend will do whatever she does- and your friend isn't responsible for that, or able to control that. I think a counselor to help your friend maintain boundaries with the friend with BPD and support her through any reactions would best help her.

Unfortunately, for young college students, especially those who deal with trauma- these kinds of situations can affect their ability to concentrate on school work. Colleges have counseling centers on campus to help students. I would encourage her to get as much support as she can with her situation.

The kind of trauma your friend has experienced probably takes a long time to process and recover from. College is a shorter time- 4 years. I hope she can keep a balance enough to focus on her degree.

[FeelingBitter]

I hope this young lady is in counseling on campus for her own issues in addition to the stress from her friend.

I think one direction is to distance herself from the drama- by trying to be pleasant, non-reactive, and not get into personal discussions with the friend/classmate. NC is probably better, but if the two of them share classes, that is probably not possible.

Inform your friend about the drama triangle- and any roles she may play on it. When her friend confides in her- does she feel she needs to rescue?

While she may fear her friend will paint her black, in reality- her friend will do whatever she does- and your friend isn't responsible for that, or able to control that. I think a counselor to help your friend maintain boundaries with the friend with BPD and support her through any reactions would best help her.

Unfortunately, for young college students, especially those who deal with trauma- these kinds of situations can affect their ability to concentrate on school work. Colleges have counseling centers on campus to help students. I would encourage her to get as much support as she can with her situation.

The kind of trauma your friend has experienced probably takes a long time to process and recover from. College is a shorter time- 4 years. I hope she can keep a balance enough to focus on her degree.

Thank you so much. Yes, we got my friend into counseling - she has just started. She only has one and a half more years until she graduates. Your advice is great.

What is the drama triangle?

[Notwendy]

Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[formflier]

Thanks for caring about your friend!

To the question of how to address this.  I'll suggest that "as directly as possible" is best.

So... .directly ask a question, perhaps prefacing the question with a statement about how important the person and r/s is to you.

"Hey... .you are important to me.  Would you like me to help you with (fill in the blank)"

If the answer is yes... .then follow up with a question about how best to help.

If answer is no... .acknowledge that and leave them with the thought that they are important and you are "standing by".

her "no"

you "Ok... .I've got ears ready to listen if you ever want to discuss the issue... ."  said cheerfully.  Then be deliberate about switching subjects.  "I'm heading over to grab some pizza... would you like to go?"

FF

[FeelingBitter]

Ok great, thanks!