4 weeks since I saw BPD gf.. FOG? Help please.

[MikeLondon]

Together 4 years including 5 or 6 recycles. BPDgf  was diagnosed but did not take it seriously, she has history of eating disorders too, also she was sober in AA for 10 years, alcohol free for 2 years now. She hates AA and blames it amongst other things and me, I have been sober for over 30 years, it got to the stage where I had to sneak to meetings because if I attended and told her she would launch into tirade about only needing her. So she knows about alcoholism, addiction and eating disorders, but is convinced that her problems are the fault of others. Either she believes they are fantastic and then they are worthless. I would be waiting to see how she would wake up, eggshells. So in respect of BPD she has never addressed it, although the last time I left ( on the end of a rage) I just found out some info on BPD. I thought naively that would be useful, so I shared it with her and eventually went back. I asked all along for us to have a degree of autonomy and independence in the relationship but she saw that as a total threat and would try for more control. In the beginning we were very open with each other and promised to try to grow together, admitting insecurities and acting with respect. Red flags very early but I did not know what I was dealing with. I couldn't understand how she could get the wrong meaning about things and took offense very easily when none was given. I found it really worrying, but thought it was just a communication problem. Very jealous and yet very bold with the opposite sex. Faithful but very much knew her power over men and played on it. Whereas if I spoke to a woman she would immediately call it an affair. She would also expect intimacy after a rage on me and while I was still shell shocked from the rage she would take it as further proof of my lack of love. She sees the world as full of oppression and problems and everybody has bad motives apart from her. She is chaotic and a workaholic and expected me to 'help ' in all ways but only her way. Any contradiction she would take as offense and silent treatment or more likely an argument followed by rage. I developed a coping mechanism by kind of validating but not agreeing that the person she was angry with was evil or bad, they were mostly very nice or the best in her opinion , but rapidly became the most terrible ' selfish ' people. Selfish was a word she fired about very easily. I ran out of room. I couldn't go back unless or until she was positively seeking help. I couldn't manage to live with this as a pwBPD in denial. My world shrank to only what concerned her or the relationship. If an hour or half an hour late all hell would break loose. Very scarey.  Would it make any sense in a letter to clarify my position that I told her about potential BPD help. Not as an ultimatum from me, but to make sure she has the information at least. I would feel that I left her with something that she might consider in the future. I love her, but cannot face it all again. Still feeling somewhat responsible for her ... .even though irrationally somehow. When we got together I had known her for a year or two as a friend, when I was going through a divorce she showed me great kindness and understanding and actually made the first move on me, which of course I felt very grateful for some attention from this charming, understanding attractive woman. So here I am 4 weeks out and hoping she is ok. But confused as to my next move. I did email her a few days ago as her Mother who did not like me phoned and said how upset her daughter is. So I felt bad and really all her Mother did was repeat verbatim what her daughter had claimed, she was upset cos I left and thinks I am running about with women( totally wrong). Yet she had nothing to say about the rage and reason I stayed out of touch. I left to visit my daughter for a couple of days, I didn't tell her face to face as a blow up would have ensued. I received a very abusive call that day 4 weeks ago, screaming and telling me to come back, then threatening to smash my flat up. So I just didn't go back. I emailed the other day and said I would send a more in depth email and maybe we would speak. I did mention that I was shocked by her threats and that I cared for her but was not ready to speak. I have had no reply and certainly no apology(none expected). So what next? I have read about FOG and how true that feels. When we recycled last time, she made a very small reference to her rage, but then said it is because I left, whereas it is the rage and control that makes me run. Am I obligated to contact her? What do you think of an email stating what I want, autonomy, trust and love. She is a great woman at times, but those times don't seem worth the amount of anxiety and fear it engenders in me. It is like talking to the wall if I suggest anything that I might need. She believes that her rage and anger and abusive language towards me is her right of expression and when I have asked for a more reasonable dialogue she tells me I am being contolling. As I write this I cannot envisage or think about being back there without a pit forming in my stomach and anxiety at the thought of more of the same.