Divorce

[Tigersax]

Hello,
My 20 yr marriage to my wife who has BPD is coming to and end soon.  I tried with everything I had in me for so long to hold everything together but as so many of you here know there are some cases in which the loved one is in denial and simply will not getbbetter even through DBT.  All of my efforts are seen by her to be "controlling, manipulative and blaming".  It's pure projection on her part I understand.   But the pain I feel is real. I do love her and never did all the terrible things I was accused of.  She finally has completed the psychological splitting process it appears and now she wants divorce.  She seems to have total resolve in this now. 
I am here to just glean whatever support I can get while going through this. 
The thing I struggle with so much is knowing we are divorcing due to things only in her mind as opposed to any actual event or behaviors.

[belvedere8]

I think I'm going through a very similar thing, although my marriage didn't last 20 years.  My mother said something that I found very helpful -- she said "your marriage seems "dead" right now.  Don't rush into anything, try not to think about all the "what ifs" -- that just causes anxiety and sadness. Focus on yourself.  You are wounded.  I've watched you try to please your wife in every way.  It broke my heart to watch you treated like a stockboy in a department store as she barked out orders.  There was no respect for your self-esteem and identity.  Build yourself up... ."  There was a little bit more, obviously more personal to my situation -- however I think what she wrote is very applicable to you, and many others on this board -- and so I think you are doing the right thing, stay strong for yourself, and find your own identity again. 

I hope that helps in some way.

[ForeverDad]

Be careful not to appease her and thereby trap yourself when you paint yourself into legal corners.  For example, she may demand that you admit to all the horrible perceptions she has of you and your actions.  After all these years of appeasing and acquiescing you may feel impelled to admit yet again how you failed to make her a princess and how evil you were.  DON'T!  Now that you're heading into the legal arena you can't afford to appease by agreeing you're a terrible person that has done all sorts of evil things.  Don't sabotage yourself, something said now could be used against you in the legal process.  If you can't figure out how to avoid getting yourself into legal jams, then just don't say anything in response.  Better yet, deflect blame onto your lawyer.  Let the lawyer or the court process be your scapegoat.  "I'm sorry, I can't get into all that, my lawyer said not to discuss those topics, he/she said it will all get worked out in the divorce process."

When it comes to blaming, blame shifting, interrogations, demands, ultimatums, rants, rages, etc... .Deflect, deflect, deflect.

Meanwhile, welcome.  You will find solid and experienced peer support here.