99% sure ex gf has BPD - broke up with me out of the blue

[jaaaayyyy]

hello all... .

my gf of 5 months just left me out of the blue because we got in an argument. she felt we were "arguing too much" and that "we can't fix or change it" (though we haven't even tried). she's very detached as a person already and i knew she suffered from depression before we got together. but she wanted to be in a relationship and asked me to commit, so i did. everything was great at first. she's told me she has bad communication skills, and the first time i told her i loved her, she didn't say it back until i was on my drive home and she texted it to me, she said she was just scared.

she was molested at 15 and grew up in an abusive household. all her siblings are physically abusive with their partners. two weeks ago i punched a wall behind her during an argument because she shuts down when we argue and does not talk and i snapped. i would never lay hands on her. we broke up last friday. i showed up to her house sunday night drunk like an idiot and she came home and we talked for a few hours. she cried. she said she doesn't know what's wrong with her... she wanted to die. felt worthless, not worthy, wanted to be single forever because at least when she's single she "doesn't feel feelings" and being in a relationship, her feelings are "too overwhelming to where she just shuts down." she hated that her brain was wired to be scared of me, that i'm gonna cheat or leave her and physically abuse her. she just had no faith in the relationship and she just said "this relationship isn't going to work because i already know myself and i will never change."  she also said "someone else deserves you more than me." i ended up sleeping there cuz it was late... she was so detached yet at parts of the night she wanted to be cuddled. monday morning we woke up and she was like an empty shell. i was bawling because it was like the person in front of me was not the person i met and fell in love with. she had no emotion, nothing to say, and said she didn't even wanna get out of bed or go to work or do anything. it was like nobody was home inside. no soul or personality, it was freaking me out. i think i made a mistake by saying, if you don't want me fine but don't try to come back if you miss me. i left her house.

monday morning at work i started reading up on depression... which lead to reading about BPD. she has ALL the symptoms of it and she does not want to get help. she has complete shut down, detached her feelings from me and the world. she won't talk to me, has blocked me on all possible lines of communication. i emailed her saying she is loved and worthy, and gave her a website to check out and read about personality disorders. she emailed back saying "BPD, i've been told i have it. there's nothing much to do about it, i would like my space now thank you."  i know it has nothing to do with me but it's hurtful and i just want to know what's going on in her head and what i can do... i know i should move on but it's difficult. does she even miss me? does she think about me? it boggles my mind that she can just shut me out like that and have no emotions towards this.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you had to find these boards, but glad that you did because maybe you can get some answers to some of your questions and, at the very least, some relief.

It's impossible to know what goes on in the mind of another, but it's even more problematic given the chaotic mind of a pwBPD (person with BPD).

Does she miss and think about you? Probably, you will never know the truth of that.

What would you like to see happen at this point?

[jaaaayyyy]

I honestly don't even know what I want to happen at this point. Everything just happened so fast, I've never dealt with a partner like this. I've dated depressed women in the past but not as severe as this. She refuses to get help, and I'm not sure I can get on that roller coaster with her even if she decides to come back. I myself suffer with my own mental issues that I need to back to therapy for. I think I'm showing signs of a mixture of Vulnerable Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder.

I've thought about it the past few nights... and to be honest I don't even know what "good" she brought into my life, other than her make me feel like the best thing since sliced bread which boosted my ego. I paid for everything, took care of her, made sure all her needs were met before mine. That's why it's so painful is because I did everything to do right by her and it's so painful that she can just shut me out like this with no hesitation.

I know she is very mentally sick... and I've also read about "splitting?" I feel like she has painted me black and I'm not really sure what to do if she decides to come back to me. How difficult is it going to be if I decide to be with her? I don't know if I can handle her episodes randomly coming back and her shutting me out. Thanks for the advice.

[Meili]

If you don't know if you can handle those things or not, then it would probably be best not to try just yet if given the opportunity. I don't mean to say that you should never give it a try; just not to do so before you're ready.

[Warcleods]

It's a common theme for pwBPD to run when the emotions become more than they can handle.  It goes both ways, positive and negative emotions.  Mine ex would have certain triggers that would cause her to act this way.  One example is that I took her on a fabulous date one time.  She absolutely loved it, had the best time of her life (these were all her words by the way) and she even told me it was the most romantic date she ever had.  She raved about it for days and days about how much of a wonderful time we had.  Then not even a week later (things going well) she had a trigger which changed her whole perception of her life which included me as I was in it.  She did this like clock work, almost every week or 2.  Things would be wonderful with us and some event emerged in her life where she felt she needed to press the reset button on her entire being.  Constant exposure to this was causing it to rub off on me.  I decided it wasn't worth the turmoil.  By the way, my ex was never officially diagnosed with BPD and I have illustrated some of her behaviors here.

I feel like when she felt as though she was getting too close to me, she would pull away, distance and come up with reasons (most not even valid) as to why we wouldn't work out.  Then a couple of days later, it would be the I miss you, I need you, you're amazing, treat me better than anyone I have ever known, etc.  All quite confusing.

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