My wife has BPD and our marriage is falling apart because of it :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there
My wife was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. She has had it all her life but it was misdiagnosed many times!  She was symptom free for 9 years after receiving 6 yrs of Therapy for DID. This was at the beginning of our relationship.
Her break down 2 years ago was like I was hit by a wreaking ball to my gut! She hid everything from me and just lost it and left the house. She came home the next day like nothing had happened! I noticed she was having bad anxiety and suggested we go to the hospital. She was in the Psych Ward for a week and came out traumatized ,scared and in denial of her diagnosis! Oh ya and on a pile of meds!  
She has gone through extensive Therapy already from 2 different therapists but does not seem to be able to maintain any kind of self regulation. She does Mindfulness Meditation daily(well when she is doing OK ;( ) She has done & is doing DBT therapy.  She has done almost anything to get better but it doesn't seem to work!  So frustrating for her and myself!
She has an inability to communicate her feelings to me and thus communication in our relationship sucks! We have been together almost 12 years and I am done! I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted! For the last 2 years I have been her only caregiver and the Head of her Safety Team! I have been remise in taking proper care of myself and I now have depression! Plus we have no support groups for BPD Families around us!  So sad!
She is a respected and loved teacher and that gives her a purpose and a reason to get up everyday!  Unfortunately she is in the Psych Ward right now  She checked herself in as she realized her Meds weren't working (again) and she was feeling unsafe at home  I am proud of this step she took! It's big!
She already knows I am exhausted and feels responsible  I now need to suggest we separate (while she is in the hospital) but am finding it hard to take this step!  Any suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks
Frustrated wife

[Exhausted Spouse]

Hi there
My wife was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. She has had it all her life but it was misdiagnosed many times!  She was symptom free for 9 years after receiving 6 yrs of Therapy for DID. This was at the beginning of our relationship.
Her break down 2 years ago was like I was hit by a wreaking ball to my gut! She hid everything from me and just lost it and left the house. She came home the next day like nothing had happened! I noticed she was having bad anxiety and suggested we go to the hospital. She was in the Psych Ward for a week and came out traumatized ,scared and in denial of her diagnosis! Oh ya and on a pile of meds!  
She has gone through extensive Therapy already from 2 different therapists but does not seem to be able to maintain any kind of self regulation. She does Mindfulness Meditation daily(well when she is doing OK ;( ) She has done & is doing DBT therapy.  She has done almost anything to get better but it doesn't seem to work!  So frustrating for her and myself!
She has an inability to communicate her feelings to me and thus communication in our relationship sucks! We have been together almost 12 years and I am done! I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted! For the last 2 years I have been her only caregiver and the Head of her Safety Team! I have been remise in taking proper care of myself and I now have depression! Plus we have no support groups for BPD Families around us!  So sad!
She is a respected and loved teacher and that gives her a purpose and a reason to get up everyday!  Unfortunately she is in the Psych Ward right now  She checked herself in as she realized her Meds weren't working (again) and she was feeling unsafe at home  I am proud of this step she took! It's big!
She already knows I am exhausted and feels responsible  I now need to suggest we separate (while she is in the hospital) but am finding it hard to take this step!  Any suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks
Frustrated wife

[Reforming]

Hi Exhaustedspouse

I'm really glad you found this community. We have lots of members with similar stories who can offer support and advice

I'm not surprised you feel drained and exhausted and I'm sorry that going through such a difficult time.

It sounds like you have both put a lot of effort into making your relationship work. I realise it doesn't make your current circumstances any easier but you both seem to have been very courageous and dedicated in your efforts to make this relationship work.

It's hard to look after yourself properly when your partner is in crisis. Is there a way to take a short break while she's in hospital?

Medication can be part of an effective treatment program. Has your wife been diagnosed with any other mental health issues - depression, anxiety or other PDs?

Do you mind if I ask how long your wife has been doing DBT?

I'm really glad you have come here and shared your story

Reforming