How can I go low contact as possible ?

[Dontknow88]

Ok so since early this year to now I've managed to cut the phone calls, any topic that's not about our child completely.

Our son is an infant and now he's requesting to video chat, have phone calls and conversations with out infant son. I find that weird cause he can't talk to to the fact that he's a baby .

I'm working on getting full custody for good reasons, he will get supervised visits wich is great.

My question is how can I have as little contact with him as possible. Everything we talk it ends up horribly. Eg, he's depressed, too sentive, picks fights, talks about the breakup, rubs his new relationship in my face (everyone but him knows as long as he doesn't get help it won't last long), try's to talk about everything but our son. Wants to be friends but I don't want his friendship. Tells be about his self harming, make light threats like hes not going to visit cause he not sure what he's going to do in a negative way and wants me around (one of the reasons why I want supervised visits & not by me)

I don't want to be in contact with him, he's so negative. I need to find ways to be in as low of a contact as possible, any advice? Personal and legal?

[ambivalentmom]

Good Morning,
     I will try to be brief, but I know the difficulty about video/phone calls.  When my current husband was deployed, he talked to our D3 on the phone or video chat a couple times a week.  I also made a video of him randomly talking for 5 minutes and played it for our daughter every night until he returned (she was 2 weeks - 3 months old at the time).  On weekends, I wore his brand deodorant so she would be familiar with his smell.  She won't remember this, but it was still a way to have him in her life and make the transition easier when he got back (only reason I did the deodorant was because she was so young).  I would not be able to do any of this my ex for many reasons, but I still want to be mindful that he should be in my D14's life for her sake.

I also think you can minimize contact with your ex without being contradictory.  You could setup a special webcam time once a week for about 20 minutes at the same time every week.  You can make that daddy/family time, so if he doesn't call, make that time about looking at pictures of him and family.  It's their special time even when he flakes.  You can also have a five minute video of daddy reading a story and telling him goodnight for bedtime.  With the video, it won't be negative and you won't be in contact with him.  If watching triggers, you can play it while you work on something else.  If he doesn't flake on video chats, you can mount the phone camera so close to you holding the baby, he can't see your face and won't know you are listening to music on headphones.  If any of this doesn't work or becomes overwhelming (believe me, I know) try to ask a close friend or family member to sit-in for you with the baby.

I know from personal experience that this situation sucks and he should be the one trying to be in his son's life, but you will have to decide and act if this will be right for your son.  I am also thinking about how this might validate your ex by asking him to make a bedtime story video and how will it look in court that you are doing this for your son.  I hope things work out well and keep us posted.

[Dontknow88]

Good Morning,
     I will try to be brief, but I know the difficulty about video/phone calls.  When my current husband was deployed, he talked to our D3 on the phone or video chat a couple times a week.  I also made a video of him randomly talking for 5 minutes and played it for our daughter every night until he returned (she was 2 weeks - 3 months old at the time).  On weekends, I wore his brand deodorant so she would be familiar with his smell.  She won't remember this, but it was still a way to have him in her life and make the transition easier when he got back (only reason I did the deodorant was because she was so young).  I would not be able to do any of this my ex for many reasons, but I still want to be mindful that he should be in my D14's life for her sake.

I also think you can minimize contact with your ex without being contradictory.  You could setup a special webcam time once a week for about 20 minutes at the same time every week.  You can make that daddy/family time, so if he doesn't call, make that time about looking at pictures of him and family.  It's their special time even when he flakes.  You can also have a five minute video of daddy reading a story and telling him goodnight for bedtime.  With the video, it won't be negative and you won't be in contact with him.  If watching triggers, you can play it while you work on something else.  If he doesn't flake on video chats, you can mount the phone camera so close to you holding the baby, he can't see your face and won't know you are listening to music on headphones.  If any of this doesn't work or becomes overwhelming (believe me, I know) try to ask a close friend or family member to sit-in for you with the baby.

I know from personal experience that this situation sucks and he should be the one trying to be in his son's life, but you will have to decide and act if this will be right for your son.  I am also thinking about how this might validate your ex by asking him to make a bedtime story video and how will it look in court that you are doing this for your son.  I hope things work out well and keep us posted.

Yes it is hard and thank you so much for your advice I'll try to ask him to make s recording of him reading a book. I want them to have a relationship but I can't let him have our son alone