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Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
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Brené Brown, PhD
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Author Topic: Adult BPD Daughter  (Read 513 times)
AVR1962
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 156


« on: November 05, 2016, 07:14:14 AM »

It's been awhile since I have been on here. My daughter (35) was dx with BPD when she was 18. Life with her has been a huge challenge since her father left when she was 6. It is common place for my daughter to get upset and have not contact with me for a long length of time. Something will then happen in her life and she wants support so she comes back into my life like nothing has happened, gets all close to me and then again the tiniest of things happens or she doesn't get what she wants from me (like a trip to Europe) and I am back on her bad list. She took me off her social media page over a year ago and when she did my son-in-law and her daughters also took me off as their friends. Since then I have given her space. I will send a text every few months, she doesn't reply. I called her phone to wish my grandkids a happy birthday. She let me talk to my grand daughter that turned 16 in April but did not answer the phone when I called to wish the other two a happy birthday. I have sent cards and money last Christmas and on birthdays this year. I even twice sent my teen grand daughters some jeans that my youngest daughter can no longer wear with no acknowledgement from my daughter that they were received.

I went thru a divorce this year. I knew my oldest would have the hardest time with acceptance. This was her stepdad I divorced and they were not close but anything I do is wrong. When it came out I called her, she did answer the phone... .this was back in April. We must have talked a good hour or more, she and I were both crying. She told me she understood, told me that I did not have to put up with what I had been dealing with, we were both in tears. I told her that I had stayed way too long and I did so because I had not wanted to tear apart the family and I hoped she would be okay with this. I thought it was the best conversation we had had in many years. I followed up with her a few days alter to see how she was doing and again no reply.

This year has been challenging at best and I just do not feel I can continue with the situation with my daughter the way it is. I feel if she really does not want a relationship with me then I should just allow her that space and leave her alone until she can reach a point that she actually wants to have a mutual relationship. Only thing is there are 3 grandkids involved that I do not want to give the impression that I do not care, I do care but their mom is not going to allow me to have a relationship with them as long as she holds hard feelings for me.

Any thoughts or advise?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Studebaker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 14


« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2016, 01:30:59 AM »

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I too am not allowed to speak to mygranddaughters. I've sent gifts. I have no idea if they received them. I wouldn't sign for an apt. For my daughter and she hasn't spoken to me since. I don't have any advice other than for me, I've had to move on with my life. I can't do anything to change my daughter. It hurts very much, but I have to accept what is and focus on positive things in my life. I hope to see my granddaughters again. So sorry for your pain. Sending love your way.
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AVR1962
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 156


« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2016, 07:54:44 AM »

I met with a rape and sexual abuse counselor yesterday to try and understand my daughter. 12 years ago it came out thru my daughters that their half brothers had sexual molested and abused them right under my own roof. At the time they came forward they were adults in their 20's and they had silently worked thru their ordeals and came to their own acceptance and, I think too, forgiveness for the boys they called brothers... .they had been raised together in the same household from a very young age.

As I was speaking to this counselor yesterday she told me that girls who have been thru this will do as my BPD daughter has done... .she is obese, depressed, really is not living... .she is not in love with the man she married, it seems he is more of a caregiver who she finds safe. Her friends are  from high school but she graduated 17 years ago and she does not live close. She sits all day, does not work, does not clean, does not bathe, does not cook, does not care for her children. She shouts commands from the couch to her kids who have become her slaves. Her life, in my eyes looks absolutely miserable. I have tried to help but she does not accept it. In her opinion her only trouble is me.

This counselor told me that my daughter does love me but she is so deep in guilt for ratting out her step brother. She has tried over and again to get back into his good graces. The family was completely torn to shreds all the way down to grand parents and the two sides of the family was completely split. The family has never recovered and I finally divorced my husband and left. There was alot more there but the divide was more than I could deal with any more.

The counselor told me that she has to blame me and in her mind she might very well think her thinking is justified but who she is really upset with is herself. She more than likely regrets telling, wishes things could have been different, has questioned herself and her part in everything, asking herself if she had brought this on, had she handled it well and then the guilt of telling and losing not only her brother (step) but tearing the family apart.

When I told her I was leaving her step dad, her response was that she understood. She went onto say that she had hoped that her step dad and step brothers would be able to mend their differences and we could all be a family again. 12 years is a long time to wait for a difference yet she holds on. The counselor said until she deals with her own issues, her guilt and everything associated with it she will continue to blame me and continue to live in her own destruction. She said there was nothing I could do, she had to find her way, she had to find herself.

She encouraged me to step away and let my daughter have her time and space to figure her own life out so that is what I plan to do.
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Studebaker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 14


« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2016, 08:23:41 PM »

We have similar stories. I miss my granddaughters very much. My daughter doesn't respond to anything so I'm letting her be. Hopefully one day it will change.
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