Confusion from day to day

[WorldTraveler]

My therapist suggested to me that my wife may have BPD, and I've recently begun reading more about it. She has an explosive temper that I'm usually on edge about. When she gets upset, it's usually about something that I wouldn't think warranted that reaction. Sometimes I'll have to leave the house to get away, but she'll accuse me of "always walking away" instead of facing a "argument." I put this in quotes because there's usually not much of an argument as much as her venting and me trying to get in a few words. But everything I say is just more fodder.

Anyway, I find myself confused because often, after she cools off and we talk civilly, her side of things makes a lot of sense, and I can see how I've invalidated her feelings or dismissed her in some way. More importantly, though, is that she is so kind, understanding, and respectful that it leaves me wondering if I just overreacted to the situation. Four hours ago I felt like there was no way our marriage could work out, and I felt completely detached from her, and now we've had a heat to heart and she's sweet again and it feels like everything is okay.

Has anybody experienced this, or will a spouse of a pwBPD always be aware of the condition?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Everyone likes to feel validated 

Someone who has BPD tends to have a bottomless need for validation, and many of us involved with BPD partners have above average needs for validation. It can make for a very demanding relationship.

Her feelings are valid, however often BPD sufferers jump from feelings to thoughts to actions that are dysfunctional (like explosive temper), and those emotions are often driven by intense abandonment depression. We are simply triggers, or screens to project unresolved feelings onto. 

Learning to navigate those rocky waters is possible with some learning, practice, and patience. We can't cure BPD, tho we can help things from getting worse.

I think it's healthy to protect yourself from "arguments"! Especially if they are abusive, and it sounds like they are. What do you say when you prepare to walk away? Or leading up to that point?

LnL

[WorldTraveler]

Hi LnL,

Thank you for the reply and input. When things feel out of control I used to say "I can't be treated this way, I'm leaving." She would usually make me stay by physical force. I made the mistake, a couple of times, of trying to push past her, but she later used that to accuse me of "getting physical" with her. Now I say something like "I'd like to continue this conversation with you but let's take a break and cool off first." This works only slightly better. She will still accuse me of always walking away, but when she finally cools off she seems to recognize that approach as more valid.

My main reason for posting was to hear some input from others on whether my wife does have BPD. I get confused because when things are good, everything feels normal and she seems rational and loving. I'm still on edge, and I feel uncomfortable about when she'll next get angry. But she has stretches of days, and sometimes weeks, when she seems to have a more normal range of emotions. Do people with BPD seem normal for certain periods and then "flare up" or is it a more consistent type of thing?

Surely there are people with anger issues who don't have BPD. I'm. It sure how to know what I'm dealing with here. My wife is terrified of being alone, and has panic atracks contantly if I'm out of town (though she has her share of them when I'm around too). She doesn't lie or cheat, but she will misinterpret things I say and insist that I meant something I didn't.

[Meili]

To be sure, there are people with anger issues that do not have BPD.

BPD is a spectrum disorder, so each person who experiences it does so differently. So, if you've met one person with BPD, you've met one person with BPD.

That being said, the article I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know? might provide you some insight.

Maybe if you tell us what types of things that trigger the "flare ups" it would help. Shame, the fear of abandonment, and the fear of enmeshment are general triggers. Do these things seem to apply to the "flare ups?"

[livednlearned]

How would things change (in your mind) if you were to learn that yes, without a doubt, your wife has BPD?

[WorldTraveler]

Thanks for the link and the insight.

I'm not sure if this is specific enough, but I notice a lot of her outbursts happen when we are leading up to some kind of social occasion, like friends coming for dinner, going to a holiday celebration, or something similar. I have noticed, however, that this isn't much of an issue when it's her personal friends involved, or her family. Just when it's people I wanted to see.

There was a time recently when I needed some consulting work done for my business and I put up a job listing. I didn't get any responses until a young woman wrote, who had just the kind of background I was looking for. My first thought was to be sensitive to my wife about this, so I decided to have the person come to our house (where my office is) during the day when my wife would be there too. She made a huge fuss over this and put me in a situation where I had to cancel the appointment with the consultant the night before she was supposed to come. My wife will always say things like "just do what you want" but with the clear understanding that I'll pay for it later.

There is almost always someone who is the center of her anger, and it becomes a daily theme of venting. It used to be people she worked with. Every day, she's come home and fume about the same people (it was the same thing for 3 different jobs) and if there was ever a point where I lost interest in hearing about it she would very quickly shift gears to me being the problem and it would soon be a big thing. When she decided that she just couldn't work with other people any more, and started her own business, it became the people she had to interact with there. If she wasn't having any interactions she would usually turn it to a family memeber or even a public figure. I would listen and empathize but after several days of the same thing I'd lose interest/patience in hearing about it. But that would set her off. As a result, I'd feel coerced into becoming a part of her anger or being the recipient of it.

[Meili]

Yeah, those types of things can be common for pwBPD. If you think about it, your family and friends might not accept her. That could trigger her fear of abandonment.

As for the other, pwBPD sometimes feel invalidated when the non does not match their emotional level. So, when you are listening to her rage about whoever and you are empathizing, if you are not close to the same level of disgusted as she is, then you could actually be invalidating her because it's a signal that her emotions are wrong. This can trigger shame which in turn triggers the fear of abandonment.

It's confusing and stressful to the non to say the least!

[WorldTraveler]

I can see that. In fact, I can think of times she's said just those things, like that I'm suggesting her emotions are wrong or that my family and friends don't accept her.

It is confusing and stressful, as you say.

This site is very comforting for me. I have spent the last several years thinking I was doing such bad things that I deserved these levels of reaction. It means a great deal to be able to discuss this with people who are going through similar challenges. Thank you.

[Meili]

Yeah, often, dealing with a pwBPD is also counter-intuitive. We are, as a general rule, not taught the skills to deal with them. To compound the problem, most non's have backgrounds that have caused us to be insecure. It helps to look at our own roles in the relationship. Because we cannot change our pwBPD, it's far more beneficial to look at what we have done to help create the situation. We are 100% responsible for 50% of the relationship after all.

That being said, many find it far easier (and beneficial) to start by not invalidating the feelings of their BPD partner while learning to validate. There are a lot of ways that we invalidate another person that we often don't realize. The lesson on Validation Skill - Stop Invalidating Others provides some good examples of the ways that the non does it without even realizing.