Need advice - how to explain my absence to my BPD mother despite a family crisis

[Newrites]

I am reading about communication techniques and setting boundaries.

However, my situation is unusual (or feels unusual.)

My BPD mother is the caretaker for my Grandmother, who is nearing the end of her life. Grandma has been on home hospice 5 months and is declining.

I began having what were apparent "emotional flashbacks" and severely low self-esteem after spending time around my mother in order to help my Grandmother over these months.

Three weeks ago, I simply stopped going, as the emotions were fairly debilitating. (Mom knew I was upset when I left the last time, but didn't know the extent.)

I need to give some explanation to my mother, but she is very stressed and vulnerable right now due to Grandma's condition. My mother does not understand (or accept) that she has BPD. (She does believe she has bipolar disorder.)

Under these circumstances, I can't figure out what to say that won't devastate her more. Yesterday I was diagnosed (preliminarily diagnosed) with C-PTSD, so it's probably pretty important I limit contact with her.

I'm considering simply telling her in a non-emotional tone (or via message) that "I've been experiencing emotional flashbacks after visiting, so I'm trying to figure out how much I can continue to visit without it interfering with my work and home life." This sounds really cold, though. Of course, I know it would be far worse to say I've been diagnosed with PTSD (due to her.) But I can't think of any way to minimize it more than I am. It truly has been very emotionally trying.

Of course I am sick over the fact that I'm missing this time with Grandma (who was more of a real mother to me than my mother ever was)... .but mom was critical of every move I made, so I really was little help at all.

Any advice on giving mom some explanation at this time would be appreciated. After Grandma is gone, I will deal with having a real conversation and further separating/protecting myself.

Thanks!

[Turkish]

Would your mother respect a few minutes alone with your grandma,  or does she demand to be in the room? 

No matter how valid,  I think telling your mom would give her a target,  maybe like "my mother is dying, and all you can think about is yourself!" You don't need that. 

If I were in your place,  I'd try to get some precious private moments with your dear grandma,  and try and compartmentalize the stuff between you and your mother. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Newrites,

I can understand why you would want to explain and how frustrating this must be for you. I would agree with Turk, even though you have a valid reason, you mom will invalidate it, so what value is there other than becoming a target. As a BPD always looks to project blame away, is it possible your mom already has explained this to ensure she’s not holding any guilt ?

I also have C-PTSD and you will need to avoid stress and triggers if you are to heal, especially if you're having therapy. So you may well feel a strong urge to explain, but that may not be helpful right now. Can’t you just avoid the issues and say you’re ill if pressed  ? Mention diarrhea if pressed further or change the subject, go to the toilet etc... .

Putting your BPD mom aside, what do you think would be in your best interest ?

[Newrites]

Thanks, all.

I agree that my mother would almost certainly turn it around to make me the bad person.

Here is what I did, and it worked out pretty well:

We made a plan to go see my Grandmother (all three... .my sweet husband and my young teenager) for just 3.5 hours, in the middle of the afternoon when there would be no need to have a meal together. I sent a message to my mother and simply said that I realized I had been gone quite a long time (3 weeks,) and that I found out I had been experiencing something called "emotional flashbacks." I said an emotional flashback isn't *exactly* what it sounds like, but said it had been interfering with my work and that I had needed a break. I did NOT infer that these emotional flashbacks had anything remotely to do with her; I did not say a word about C-PTSD, nor a word about BPD. I suggested that if she wanted to run errands while we visited, she might want to do so.

It worked perfectly. I took ALL meds I'm supposed to take (thyroid, vitamin D, ADD meds which for some strange reason almost completely relieve my social anxiety while in my system.) I wore comfy clothing that made me feel cozy and cradled in warmth. When I arrived, Grandma perked up SO much. My mother was on excellent behavior--no criticism, probably because she's figured out there's a real problem. My mother and her sister, who is visiting in order to help, went out to eat and ran errands. So I really only had to spend about 30 minutes with Mom.

The situation helped confirm that mom is having distorted thinking. Mom showed me a ridiculously huge absorbent boot bandage she had created and taped from Grandma's toes to her knee (looked like a fall risk to me, but... .) She showed me a small cut on Grandma's leg; and she said it was oozing so badly that this absorbent huge boot diaper like thing was necessary to catch all the fluid. (I saw a bit of ooze on the non-infected looking wound; there was wetness on it about the size of a 1/4 of a pea.) So this helped confirm mom's distorted thinking. (What was weird was the way my Aunt went along with it and agreed.) The hospice nurse had put a 3X4 absorbent pad on it, but mom said that wasn't good enough.

I sat with Grandma and looked through an art book with her. Then I started drawing... .something I haven't done in YEARS! It was so nice. I didn't eat anything, didn't mess up anything, only drank water. (Mom is very OCD and she also looks in trash cans to see what was consumed, etc.)

There WAS one problem... .I was trying to transfer Grandma from the chair to porta-potty (2 steps) but she didn't get on the potty quite straight and *decided* the best thing to do was sit on down on the floor. Crap. (Grandma's legs aren't really working.) I didnt' have the strength to stop her.

The three of us (me, husband, daughter) were working to rig a way to slide her up onto the sofa when -- of course -- my mother and aunt returned. However, I stayed calmed, and explained there had NOT been a fall, no cause for alarm, and it was okay. By the time my mother walked in, we had Grandma up on the couch. Mom did look alarmed but didn't freak out, and I didn't get oversensitive or think I'd "messed up."

It was almost validating for my husband and daughter to then see how Mom just took over. The three of us were going to take a break (we were exhausted from the pulling/tugging) since Grandma was just fine on the couch and was even happy -- and joked we were having a slumber party. But Mom couldn't wait... .She immediately moved in and she and my Aunt took over to get Grandma into the chair they wanted her in. (My husband is a 6'1 volunteer fire fighter... .it is not as if he has never helped in a lift assist.) But we weren't needed. Still, it didn't bother me like it usually would have. I just reminded myself that 1)this gave me two more validating witnesses to the fact that Mom takes over everything I try to do, and 2)there was no logical reason for Grandma to have to leave the couch immediately; it was probably pretty comfortable!

I would say the only bad thing is that since mom acted so much more normal and non-critical, it made me want to give her another chance. But I KNOW I can't. I have to remember that. After Grandma is gone, I need to stay firm in my idea to create a large degree of separation. I'll give her info about BPD and suggest some groups/therapists, but I think I need to stay firm about this.

I'd be curious to hear any commentary on this scenario, how I handled it, and my thoughts.

As of today, I'm still good. No emotional flashbacks.