Feel like I am going backwards

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I have decided to finally reach out because I honestly don't know what else to do. It didn't have a friend option on here, or I didn't see it but this is about a friend; Or a family member since my brother has BPD as well. But as for my friend, we have tried to help him, gave him ways to cope, even looked up new ways since he doesn't touch the ones we have already said would be a good idea to do. Instead of doing them he sits and complains about everything and then gets mad when you ask him if he is working on coping skills to help so things aren't as bad. He currently lives with my brother and my brother is at his wits end. I used to live with the two of them and it is like walking on eggshells around my friend. A few examples of how he acts on a daily basis:

1. You ask him to get off the game console they have and he will pitch a fit saying he needs it more than anyone else even though it's my brothers and not his
2. If you point out how he says hurtful things to my brother or get an attitude over small things like being asked to clean his mess up, he will say you are just pointing out his flaws and has gone to people and made my brother out to be this abusive bad person when in reality he uses soft tones, is very gentle, and tries to say things the nicest way possible.
3. He plays the victim card about things that happened 6-7 years ago and has told me he does it for sympathy
4. He compares everyone who is actually a proper authority figure to his step parents and ex roommate who did abuse him. He will say they are just like them and then go to my other friends and write this elaborate story of how things are horrible when, and I have experienced this, they aren't half as bad as he describes (like I said before)
5. Just telling him you would like to choose a different movie that you both want to watch causes him to look at the ground with a very sad look on his face and sigh really hard. This reaction happens with a lot of things and my brother, having BPD himself, doesn't know how to handle it.

I could go on but I feel bad just saying that. He has been diagnosed with BPD and he almost never takes his medication and we are at the end of our ropes. I don't know if his behavior is normal for someone who has BPD or not. I have done research and probably sound ignorant as to what someone diagnosed with BPD does but I am trying to understand. He is 20 years old and honestly as bad as this sounds, acts more like a child when he has responsibilities to take care of or is confronted on things. Maybe we are doing this all wrong. Either way I am very open to any suggestions or help so I can understand his behavior and maybe give my brother some relief. Thank you to anyone who can help. It is greatly appreciated.

[quiet]

Hi,

I have decided to finally reach out because I honestly don't know what else to do. It didn't have a friend option on here, or I didn't see it but this is about a friend; Or a family member since my brother has BPD as well. But as for my friend, we have tried to help him, gave him ways to cope, even looked up new ways since he doesn't touch the ones we have already said would be a good idea to do. Instead of doing them he sits and complains about everything and then gets mad when you ask him if he is working on coping skills to help so things aren't as bad. He currently lives with my brother and my brother is at his wits end. I used to live with the two of them and it is like walking on eggshells around my friend. A few examples of how he acts on a daily basis:

1. You ask him to get off the game console they have and he will pitch a fit saying he needs it more than anyone else even though it's my brothers and not his
2. If you point out how he says hurtful things to my brother or get an attitude over small things like being asked to clean his mess up, he will say you are just pointing out his flaws and has gone to people and made my brother out to be this abusive bad person when in reality he uses soft tones, is very gentle, and tries to say things the nicest way possible.
3. He plays the victim card about things that happened 6-7 years ago and has told me he does it for sympathy
4. He compares everyone who is actually a proper authority figure to his step parents and ex roommate who did abuse him. He will say they are just like them and then go to my other friends and write this elaborate story of how things are horrible when, and I have experienced this, they aren't half as bad as he describes (like I said before)
5. Just telling him you would like to choose a different movie that you both want to watch causes him to look at the ground with a very sad look on his face and sigh really hard. This reaction happens with a lot of things and my brother, having BPD himself, doesn't know how to handle it.

I could go on but I feel bad just saying that. He has been diagnosed with BPD and he almost never takes his medication and we are at the end of our ropes. I don't know if his behavior is normal for someone who has BPD or not. I have done research and probably sound ignorant as to what someone diagnosed with BPD does but I am trying to understand. He is 20 years old and honestly as bad as this sounds, acts more like a child when he has responsibilities to take care of or is confronted on things. Maybe we are doing this all wrong. Either way I am very open to any suggestions or help so I can understand his behavior and maybe give my brother some relief. Thank you to anyone who can help. It is greatly appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Hi quiet

Welcome to our online community. BPD is a complex disorder and dealing with someone who has it, can be quite difficult indeed.

Your friend has been diagnosed with BPD but rarely takes his medication. That is very unfortunate. Did your friend perhaps get any targeted (talking) therapy for his BPD? Do you feel like he acknowledges and understands his diagnosis and what this means for him and others?

You also mention your brother, has he too been officially diagnosed with BPD?

You used to live with the two of them and I can imagine how stressful that must have been. To help you in your interactions with your friend (and perhaps also your brother), I encourage you to explore some of the structured communication techniques described on this website:

Validation

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

People with BPD are often very sensitive or volatile as a result of their distorted thinking and perception. These structured ways of communicating can help us minimize the likelihood of further conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. They also help us stay more calm ourselves.

Were you perhaps already familiar with some of these techniques?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[quiet]

Hi Kwamina,

I don't think my friend has had therapy for his BPD. He constantly says EVERYTHING he does is because he has it and that we need to just tell him what he is doing right when in reality he always has an attitude and like I said doesn't act his age.

My brother has been diagnosed yes but he reacts badly to medication so he unfortunately doesn't take them.

I have used the skills you encouraged me to for a long time and my friend just throws it in my face and my brothers when he uses them and gets defensive and never takes responsibility.

My friend wills sleep all day, then get upset if someone tells him it isn't healthy to sleep 14 hours a day. He also blames my brother for his actions when my brother has only tried to help him. I wish I could explain this better but everyone I know that interacts with him ends up not wanting to talk to him anymore because he is childish and always being extremely pessimistic even when reassured. I feel like I am going about this wrong but I am desperate for help man...

[Kwamina]

I have used the skills you encouraged me to for a long time and my friend just throws it in my face and my brothers when he uses them and gets defensive and never takes responsibility.
... .
I feel like I am going about this wrong but I am desperate for help man...

Whether your friend changes or not is ultimately and unfortunately not something you can control. It would be awesome if by changing our own behavior we always would be able to directly influence the people with BPD in our lives in a positive manner. The tools have their value and can maximize the chances of getting through to the other person, there however isn't a guarantee that they will work in all situations or with all people who have this disorder. We can only do so much and if your friend continues to respond negatively this does not necessarily have to be related to anything you or your brother does 'wrong'. BPD is a complex disorder and unfortunately some people with BPD don't seem to respond positively to the communication tools I've mentioned. And even when they do respond positively to them, this does not have to mean that they will always respond positively.

Is there anything you have done in the past that you feel was helpful in dealing with your friend? Anything that you could perhaps try again?

[quiet]

Unfortunately only when we sat and bluntly said how we felt would he actually realize and work with meditation and the coping skills I gave him. He'd improve but after maybe 5 days he'd go back to how he was before. My brother having BPD himself doesn't even accept he has it and the being together enhances both their behavior and my brother I am just learning will not admit he is very similar to our friend which definitely makes things more difficult because I now know why it is so difficult for my friend. Unfortunately if my brother doesn't accept it soon it's going to get very bad. He was diagnosed with it but thinks he doesn't have any problem with social skills although my friend and I aren't the only people to say he may need to look into dbt.

[Kwamina]

Hi again quiet

Unfortunately if my brother doesn't accept it soon it's going to get very bad.

Why do you believe it is soon going to get very bad if your brother doesn't accept his BPD diagnosis? Did anything happen recently that leads you to believe things might take a turn for the worse soon?