Hello- first post

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is really difficult (my 1st post).  It took me 2 1/2 years to finally figure out my (ex?) significant other has BPD. There were red flags from the start, but I was so happy that I chose to ignore them. This was a long distance relationship and there were plans to move where he was and live happily ever after.  Of course, soon came the the Jekle /Hyde behavior and all the other traits that go along with BPD.  I must admit that I have never been so confused and hurt. For twenty years I thought about him- we met when we were both working on the East coast and when I was thinking about moving west , I called him to get some potential job contacts. We began having wonderful phone conversations, but when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said it would not work long distance. He was hurt and we did not speak for 20 years... .then the dreaded facebook... .
Of course, things are even more difficult with a long distance relationship.  You can't tell who you are going to get when you call or text, or if you will get any response at all.
Fast forward to me becoming severely depressed, going on meds and researching his behavior. I wanted answers, but I was not in the least prepared for them.  I threw the BPD thing in his face via email and  he refuses to respond.  I find myself reading all the old texts he sent (the nice ones) and wondering if anything was real. I am devastated and wish I did not miss him. He is older than I am and there won't be another try again in 20 years... .

[lookatthemoon]

This is really difficult (my 1st post).  It took me 2 1/2 years to finally figure out my (ex?) significant other has BPD. There were red flags from the start, but I was so happy that I chose to ignore them. This was a long distance relationship and there were plans to move where he was and live happily ever after.  Of course, soon came the the Jekle /Hyde behavior and all the other traits that go along with BPD.  I must admit that I have never been so confused and hurt. For twenty years I thought about him- we met when we were both working on the East coast and when I was thinking about moving west , I called him to get some potential job contacts. We began having wonderful phone conversations, but when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said it would not work long distance. He was hurt and we did not speak for 20 years... .then the dreaded facebook... .
Of course, things are even more difficult with a long distance relationship.  You can't tell who you are going to get when you call or text, or if you will get any response at all.
Fast forward to me becoming severely depressed, going on meds and researching his behavior. I wanted answers, but I was not in the least prepared for them.  I threw the BPD thing in his face via email and  he refuses to respond.  I find myself reading all the old texts he sent (the nice ones) and wondering if anything was real. I am devastated and wish I did not miss him. He is older than I am and there won't be another try again in 20 years... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi lookatthemoon,



I'm sorry that you are hurting. I can understand your feelings of depression and devastation. I was also in a long-distance relationship that didn't work out, and when I got to this site, my heart felt like it had been shattered. Know that you are not alone—many of us understand what you are going through. 

I'm glad you decided to reach out. Things really do get better. We're here for you.

You were with this person for 2.5 years, broke up, then reconnected after twenty years—have I got that right? And now there has been another separation since you mentioned BPD?

Communication can really be a challenge, not only because of the distance and lack of physical cues, but also due to BPD, if that is a factor. I suggest being very gentle with yourself right now, and taking extra good care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can turn to for support?

heartandwhole

[lookatthemoon]

I was with him the past 2 1/2 years (almost 3) after not being in touch for 20 years. 
Thank you so much for your support.  This has been such a roller coaster.  Ironic that BPDs experience in extremes of emotion, then cause us to do the same.  I really thought I was going crazy. I think I am confused on if they are capable of love. He seems very devoted to his adult daughter, who has some serious mental health issues also. He obviously is capable of some type of love.

[Larmoyant]

Hi lookatthemoon, I join heartandwhole in welcoming you, and I too am sorry you're hurting.
My relationship wasn't long distance, but I can relate to much of what you wrote. I couldn't tell who I was going to get from one day to the other either and became seriously depressed.

As for love, everyone's different, but I believe my ex was able to love, at least sometimes, but couldn't handle it. The fears underlying his BPD were always in play and our relationship was unstable and inconsistent. The roller coaster you describe. He has three daughters and I have no doubt that he loves them very much, but I've also seen inconsistent behaviours with them as well. It seemed to get worse the more independent they became. The underlying fear of abandonment makes it very hard for them to love in a stable, consistent way, and very difficult for us to understand and cope with.

You say your ex isn't responding to you and it sounds like you're afraid he's gone for good. Does he typically go silent on you?

[lookatthemoon]

Thank you for your input. Yes, he is out on the road for several months out of the year. By the time he is 3 months in, the communication all but stops. He says he can only focus on one thing at a time. I asked him to send me a cell phone pic from Alaska and he responded that I was too demanding! I have had him call and say he wants to see me, only to fly halfway across the country to be met by someone who blurts out hurtful things almost immediately then is totally perplexed as to why I slept on the couch. The email I sent telling him that he was "textbook BPD" (probably not the best approach) and saying that I just could not do this any longer but still cared very deeply for him was probably the last straw. He knows he suffers from depression, but I think is quite furious over the mention of BPD. I am so glad to have found this forum, but at the same time, the dose of reality- confirmation that the love of my life is actually a seriously mentally ill person who will never be the person I thought he was is heartbreaking. I feel like I have been tossed into a dark world I had no idea existed. I want to be wrong about him, but I know that I am not.

[Larmoyant]

Hi lookatthemoon, try not to beat yourself up about mentioning BPD. I did much the same as you when I reached breaking point. Told him he was npd/BPD. Not my finest hour, but we're only human and pwBPD can push us to the limit. It's truly heartbreaking when we realise what we're dealing with and I understand the pain you're going through. It's no wonder we end up depressed. Are you seeing a therapist for support? I'd recommend it. Mine truly helped me get through the darkest days as did posting here.

[lookatthemoon]

Thank you Larmoyant. It is so nice to have people who understand the devastation. People who have not experienced a relationship with a person with BPD do not understand why it is so difficult to just walk away. We love someone who is hurting and we can't help them. The sense of failure is overwhelming. I hate feeling helpless. He told me in the beginning of the relationship that he has had relationships in the past that suddenly end and he is left "standing at the side of the road wondering what happened." It was hard to believe that he really does not remember his hurtful behavior.  I have tendency to be a very logical thinker and this is really hard to wrap my head around. Having the person I have loved more than anyone truly hate me is the wort thing I have ever experienced.  This is worse than grieving a death.

[lookatthemoon]

Oh, and yes- I have the name of a therapist.  I plan on making an appointment for January. She is difficult to get in with, but I have a friend of a friend... .

[heartandwhole]

This is worse than grieving a death.

I really know what you mean here, lookatthemoon; I felt similarly when my relationship ended. And it hurt so much.   

I want you to know that things have turned around for me, so there really is hope. It takes time, patience, and compassion.

Right now is the hardest time: when we face the reality of what we are dealing with. But it's also the moment we can take action and free ourselves from old patterns that just don't work anymore.

I'm glad you are going to make an appointment with a therapist. Therapy helped me a lot. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new information. We are here with you every step of the way.

heartandwhole

[lookatthemoon]

Thank you heartandwhole.  It means so much to hear that there is hope and that things can turn around. I feel like I am going to be suspicious of any one who might give the slightest hint of wanting a relationship.  Of course, I am a long ways away from being over him.  I just want to stop hurting and feeling the all consuming sense of loss.  I will hold on to your words that there is hope!

[Larmoyant]

People who have not experienced a relationship with a person with BPD do not understand why it is so difficult to just walk away. We love someone who is hurting and we can't help them. The sense of failure is overwhelming. I hate feeling helpless. He told me in the beginning of the relationship that he has had relationships in the past that suddenly end and he is left "standing at the side of the road wondering what happened." It was hard to believe that he really does not remember his hurtful behavior.  I have tendency to be a very logical thinker and this is really hard to wrap my head around. Having the person I have loved more than anyone truly hate me is the wort thing I have ever experienced.  This is worse than grieving a death.

Yes, it's hard for people to understand what it's like. I've had the same with people telling me to just walk away, incredulous that I find it so difficult. One of the reasons for me is compassion and I can relate to yours. My ex once sent me a text saying he had fallen through the bathroom window and was laying there bleeding wondering why I wasn't there to help him. Why no one was ever there to help him. It was heartwrenching. It pulls me in. Like your ex though he'll flip and then hate me, want nothing to do with me. It's a difficult thing to navigate. As heartandwhole says keep holding onto hope though because you will get through it. I'm happy to hear about the therapist.

[pseudo_intellect]

Hey... .I'm kind of in a similar situation with my boyfriend and his BPD... we are also long distance... .I'm gonna copy and paste my first post here so everyone knows the situation and if anyone has any advice or anything... it would be so appreciated... Thank you guys so much 

I'm frequenting these boards because I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend who has been diagnosed with BPD but hasn't gotten help. He got diagnosed about 7 months into our relationship... and we've been together for a little over 2 years now. We are long distance (he lives in the UK and I live in the US) and only recently did I start looking up symptoms and signs of BPD (along with what to do and what not to do). To my dismay, I have done some things that have negatively enforced his behavior in the past couple months, leading me to the situation that I'm currently in.

Right now, I'm giving him his 'space'. I was supposed to come to see him in two weeks in the U.K. But now I'm not even sure that that will happen or if we are even together. If anyone can help and give advice I would appreciate it.

I did something that set him off, I kicked him off of my battlenet account by changing the password, because he was ignoring me, and he just messaged me and went off. He talked about how he couldnt give any less of a  please read               | about me coming to see him and about how he doesn't love me anymore and he was gonna break up with me for a while now.

I don't think this is extremely legitimate because I've spent less than a couple hours with him over the course of two weeks when we used to talk all day everyday for the first year and a half of our relationship. Only recently that I started going to university (this semester) that our time had to be shortened. Basically, to not rant on, it went from being a conversation of (all caps on his part) Leave me alone, I dont love you, F___ off, Just say okay and accept it and thank me in the future for the good advice to me reasoning with him and getting him to say "thanks for being cool and understanding I guess" This happened after I asked him if it was because of the money and his school and the distance. He said he didn't know.

He often says that I'm annoying (NEW THING in the past couple months) and boring him whenever I bring up stuff in our relationship that kind of criticize how he deals with me or (lack of dealing with me i.e. ignoring me) and our relationship problems). He said he didn't know how he felt and that he needed space so right now... it's been almost two whole days since I've received a single text message or any sign of communication... the most our relationship has ever gone without any contact at all.

I thought It was time to start letting go and giving up untll I saw that he viewed my snapchat story... this is something that's critical because he has NO ONE on snapchat except for ME. So him looking at my story means that he obviously was thinking about me... for me this is a win... Even if he seems to fail to be communicating at least I know he hasn't forgot about me and is still curious about what I am up to and If I'm doing okay without him. In addition to that information in the past month of our relationship getting really bad (and me unknowingly and consistently setting him off and putting him in a bad mood) he stopped looking at my snapchat story. I used to point out that I was happy and it made me happy that he looked at it... and that everytime I look at people who have looked at my story (over 100) I only ever look for his one name. It's very true. The only person who I really care about looking at me or pictures of me or what I'm doing is cameron. That's honestly how much he means to me. Even if I have 10 people texting me... if cameron isn't texting me back or communicating with me I feel like there's no point... It's just not nearly as good of use as my time as spending it with him... .and I think that's something about me that I've conveyed that he really likes (and has used against me to manipulate me with when he completely isolates himself and doesn't text me back on purpose i.e read a text, get annoyed, and then just leave it so I know he read it but DOESNT answer... not even with a d___head remark).

I don't know if I should completely bank of this idea but it happened twice yesterday and It made me smile... .nevertheless he hasnt checked my snapchat stories yet today but I hope I get to see him in december and I hope he realizes (if it is the disorder) that he does love me. I think the important thing to keep in mind during the duration of the conversations and the sessions when they lash out if that YOU CANNOT RETALIATE. THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Stay level headed, and suggest another resolution.

That's what I did... and he's gone through episodes where he's blocked me for a day or two and then gotten back to me and unblocked me and apologized and said he misses me and he loves me and he knows he wants to be with me forever and he doesnt think that he deserves me and he cant ever give me everything that I want and provide for me but he loves me a lot etc etc etc even when he was yelling at me he was doing it like he thought it was a favor for both of us, and maybe it would have been if I wasn't such a stubborn individual but I'm certainly not letting someone who means so much to me and someone that I've spent so much time and money and energy and love on just walk away from my life like that.

I'm glad we're on talking terms now but it's nearing the second day of no contact... and I'm slowly becoming more and more depressed that maybe he actually doesn't love me anymore. Has anyone else had a similar experience or would advise me to do anything specific?

I don't think it would take longer than 3-5 days to receive anything back from him but sometimes he's so proud he wont message me even though he's missing me. I know messaging him isn't the right thing to do and it's just negatively reinforcing his behavior... .but his birthday is on the 8th and I wanted to know if it would be appropriate to message him and say something?

ALSO i wanted to add that I made sure he knew I cared about him at the end of the conversation. That I WAS NOT ready to abandon him and that even though he was being a complete dickhead to me I still cared about him and I wanted to be his friend and I wanted to help him in his life move forward... because even though he feels empty inside and feels worthless I know Cameron's potential and I know what a loving caring individual he can be.

I know he wont do anything too too destructive... .maybe he'll get or has gotten extremely drunk... he seems to love doing that... I'm just worried about him... .

Any advice is welcome... .

ALSO this is my first post :d I've been reading on here for a bit and I decided to make an account finally so I could contribute haha

p.s literally 2 seconds after I posted this I looked at my snapchat story and he looked at it again... .<3<3<3<3