U BPD relationship keeps having same issues repeatedly and never resolved ~

[EnnyL]

Hello, I'm new to this, I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for over 2 years. We fell head over heels in love that people could see/feel coming from us.
Then all the crack started appearing that I dismissed initially, jealousy (he just loves me) wanting to know everything about me, then info later used to hurt me, imagining I've still got feelings for my ex(father of kids) he's an ex for a reason!
So over the last year I've thought there's more to all this odd behaviour, most recently it's telling me so many times he loves me it's just words said for constant reassurance from me. Being needy, possessive, thinking I'm up to something because my phone gets a text in the evening, "starting to think you're having an affair." It was a text about my sons scouts group!
I've been researching what on earth is going on with him and this is where I've ended up. 
I know I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist, but I'm 100% sure this is how my bf's brain is wired.  We have split up many times over me being demonised over nothing, getting hurt verbally, physically and mentally. Then he cools down pretty quick and wonders why I'm upset!
I've had to bully/persuade/blackmail, whatever u want to call it into a doctors appointment in 2 wks time,
I've ordered 4 books from amazon today.
I'm thinking of writing to the Gp in advance of this appointment to give him some sort of examples of behaviour I have endured, I know it's hard to get much said in a ten minute appointment.
My other plan of action is to go see his mum with one of the books to give her to see if she will take me on board with the problems. Not something I relish but I cannot cope on my own any longer.
My bf has 3 kids with an ex. He has his kids 3 times a wk, his daughter is a high functioning autistic kid, she has terrible meltdowns, which at times leave me dealing with 2 meltdowns as he can't rationalise his emotions with her either!
And his younger son has been diagnosed as Asperger/ADHD and his behaviour is challenging too.
I myself have my own 2 boys,
We do not live together as we tried it once and one morning he went off on one and kicked me out of his house, so I left with my kids and went to my parents, I myself at that time was waiting for an operation on my back and wasn't in the best of personal strength, immediately after he said he hadn't meant it come back, I said no way, I don't say things inntemper I don't mean, so sorry I took it literally.
Anyway I'm repaired, and in a much better place mentally than a year ago and have my own house again with my boys.
I love this man and want to help him live a happy life with me, get married etc.
I just don't know where to go from here, it consumes all my thoughts at the moment, sometimes I just think, sod this for a relationship, but I'm so torn all the time, and sometimes wish I'd never met and fallen in love with him.
I just don't know what to do. Please can I have some help?

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

Living with a BPD is a rollercoaster. It is tiring and makes you question your own sanity! But it can get better... .

Unfortunately, getting "help for him" is not your first step. The rate of "fixing" BPDs is low. For now - ignore that. I know that's hard but therapy won't work until he is ready. Telling his doctor also probably won't achieve much. This is a very hard thing for people to accept - he may never go into therapy, and is he does it may or may not help.

Instead, let's work on YOU. There are techniques you can learn to help you talk with him, to help understand him, to stop feeling drained - and all these things will make your interactions with him better - which reduces conflict. YOU can feel better, stronger, more informed. This process will take time - you will get some immediate results but it'll be months before you really start to feel "in control".

Which books have you ordered?

If you want to read up on this site, start with Validation. This conversation technique will help you understand him, and hopefully makes your interations better.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Keep posting. Keep reading. There are many people here who can help you.

[Trying210]

Hi EnnyL!

I am experiencing the exact same thing with my boyfriend, with the exception of having kids - I'm sure that makes it so much more difficult. I'm sorry you have so much to deal with... .I'm having trouble just dealing with myself and him. You are so strong for continuing this relationship after all that.

I know how you feel... .it seems crazy to stay in it, and to want to marry the person on top of it, when you know that this type of behavior will likely never stop. But yet he is so loving at other times, and so passionate and charismatic and supportive. Magnetic, I suppose.

My boyfriend is also needy and jealous. If we even mention the possibility of meeting up one night and it ends up not happening, he gets irrationally angry. He knows it's not the correct response usually. And there are a host of other issues. But lately we've been fighting nonstop and it got to the point where I said I need a break... .I went into a rage myself a few days ago that has left me very depressed since. I'm taking time to rebuild and feel like myself again. It doesn't help that I just recently lost my job too. ... .I'm not sure how much time will be enough time. Our friend groups are very integrated and after a while people will start asking where I am, so I worry about that too.  

Arleigh, it seems I also need to take to heart the idea that I can't fix him. It's hard because up to this point, he has been "fixing" a lot on his own. I had all the faith in the world that he was just going to get better and be healthy. And become the perfect partner. And while intellectually I understand that that's not the right way to go about things, I just want to be happy and I want it to be with him... .A couple of months ago, he cheated on me. When it happened, I told him that I would no longer have the patience that I used to - not out of spite, but just because now I had insecurities. And that's where the downward spiral began. I want him to be the one to win my trust back. But it's not like dealing with a healthy person who cheats on you - he has trust issues of his own. So now it's become this spiral of blaming each other for having a double standard. He thinks that I do things I don't allow him to do, I think they're not comparable. I think he gets mad at things I am patient about. Etc. Every time, it turns into a screaming match, and it leaves me broken. Like EnnyL described, he often bounces back immediately and can't understand why I'm "still harping" on something. He conveniently blocks out certain memories, while I sit there seeing the full picture and being bewildered by his perspective on the relationship. I'm finding it very difficult to get rid of resentment and to stop being angry about the things that he's done to me and to other women. Yet I still love him. I don't know what to do anymore.

[ArleighBurke]

Trying210: Welcome! You should start your own thread to tell us of your situation. For now - read about Validation and Boundaries.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

These 2 tools will help move you in a good direction... .

[Trying210]

Hi Arleigh,

Apologies if I'm not using the site correctly. Thank you for the validation workshop suggestion - it just opened my eyes in a HUGE way!

[Lucky Jim]

We have split up many times over me being demonised over nothing, getting hurt verbally, physically and mentally.

Hey EnnyL, You probably know this already, but this description of your r/s is a red flag.   

No one deserves abuse.  Why do you think you stay in an unhealthy r/s?

LuckyJim

[EnnyL]

Thank you for replying to me,
The books I bought are, stop walking on eggshells, loving someone with BPD, Lost in the mirror and the essential family guide by Randi Krueger.
I can totally understand the validation techniques although I think I'll struggle with putting it into practice...
It all seems to be down to me to change the way I react and behave.
I will read on to see if I think I can cope with this, however I think I need to put my sons as my No1 priority not my relationship.
I'm feeling really despondent.
I myself am under a lot of stress as I am facing losing my job of ten years because of all the time off I had with a prolapsed disc. The doctors I had at the time treated me appallingly, 18 months off work when I could have been back after 6 had I had treatment sooner.
Lucky Jim... .good question. One I ask myself regularly... .
I was in a bad depression and it's only now my mind is clearing...
I suppose I blame the physiological condition not the person, that's what makes an easy decision a hard one.
I'm not sure I'm the right person to take all this on without it being detrimental to me and mine.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey EnnyL, Perhaps you are depressed because you are in an abusive r/s?  I was.  I understand that you are in a quandary, yet sometimes the right choice is the hard choice.    I'm sorry to hear that you are under a lot of stress.  Agree, you and your children are the priority.  I suggest you turn the focus to yourself, in order to figure out what is the right path for YOU.  At the end of the day, you're not responsible for another adult.

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

How was life for you overall before you met this man? Would you rather be alone (with other family) and in peace or in a toxic relationship? I would recommend you focus on what is best overall for YOU, and once you shift the focus to why you want to be with someone who hurts you, the real healing can begin.

[EnnyL]

Hi lovenature & Lucky Jim.
I was 1 year out of a 13 year relationship with my boys father, when I met pwBPD I was in a really good place, relieved to be out of a marriage which I was depressed in, my ex was a bit of a poor me narcissist, never abusive as such but ate at my already fragile self esteem, I was too fat, needed to go to the gym and he always moaned and blamed ahit on me. The day he left(I asked him to) was pure relief...
I took time on my own got busy joined a karate class, was feeling good, confident in myself and totally sworn off men, they weren't on my radar.
I met pwBPD at said karate class, its was all a bit of a whirlwind, he made me feel great, so many compliments, I do believe I was a breath of fresh air to him, we didn't rush things with meeting each other kids etc.

The first sign something was amiss was one day I d asked him to look after my kids while I went to work, this was nearly a year into our relationship.  Anyway I got a text, giving me grief, he'd been through a box in my wardrobe, it's been there since I moved, in it was photo albums and an old mobile, which he charged and went through all the ancient texts.
I should have ended it there and then for him invading my private stuff like that.
Then I became ill with my back and things went downhill from there.
So yes, I have been depressed and felt trapped in a relationship again.
I'm not willing to be a care taker, I have 2 sons and frankly I'd rather devote my time energy and thoughts to them, than a man who abuses me... .

The biggest problem is that pwBPD lives practically next door to me... .
I can't move house... how to I manage no contact under these circumstances?
He always manages to make me feel bad for him, this weekend he hasn't left his house... .
Come Monday it'll be tears, I love u, I've got doctor on weds, think he needs to deal with this with his parents not me. I just can't do it... .
I need to get a grip of my own depression again...
Any tips would be appreciated thanks.

[lovenature]

The biggest problem is that pwBPD lives practically next door to me... .
I can't move house... how to I manage no contact under these circumstances?
He always manages to make me feel bad for him, this weekend he hasn't left his house... .
Come Monday it'll be tears, I love u, I've got doctor on weds, think he needs to deal with this with his parents not me. I just can't do it... .
I need to get a grip of my own depression again...
Any tips would be appreciated thanks.

My ex. lives right across the street from me, she would come over and bang on my door along with the numerous phone calls; I did break NC many times, mainly due to the compassion I feel for her, and it only resulted in more pain for both of us. The best thing to do if you really want to detach is to COMPLETELY ignore any attempts at contact, very tough I know, but the best way forward in your healing and moving on.

[formflier]

The biggest problem is that pwBPD lives practically next door to me... .
I can't move house... how to I manage no contact under these circumstances?
 

If you want private time inside your house (which is 100% your decision)... .shut and lock the door.  Grab a book or some nice headphones and go relax. 

If he is banging on the door, another thing you can try is to answer the door, tell him you don't have time right now, but can see him at (insert time).  Ask him if he would like you to come over to his place or him come to you.  No more discussion about right now.

Can you write out exactly what happens, what he did and what you did, that creates the problem with him being across the street?

FF

[Roselee]

EnnyL,

Wow... .I swear I was reading my own story with your post!  I too have the issue of my ex's jealousy and mistrust. He has gone thru my phone, my trash, my purse, my car! And who knows what else, that I don't know about. I am constantly "up to something". When I try to explain, I am cut off in mid sentence with every word I say questioned... .which makes me stumble and studder, then he feel thats proof that I'm lying... .because I'm not steady in my words.

I have 2 college girls who live away at school most of the time. He resents (I feel) when they come home, because it will just take time away from him.

We have been together almost 6 years, and have broken up a few months ago due to his excessive paranoia about me. Thinking I'm doing drugs, sleeping with my girlfriends husbands, and contacting them as well to accuse them... and on and on.

I have taken him back for some reason, I guess I do love him deep down, I know when he's good he's there for me. But, he will always remind me of the things he's done for me as well.

I feel your pain totally, and I know and understand the pain and confusion you feel on a daily, hourly basis! I too, feel stronger when I think of my kids, but it's harder when they leave again for school. I too would never think I would be in a situation like this. I have always been independent and confident. Not so much any more.

You are strong. You have shown that already with the action you took to not live with him again! Good job there. All I can recommend is that you don't jump into anything. Your house and independence are great for you right now. In my case, I don't live with my BPDbf either.  He would love to move in, and often I think how great it can be, just for a week later I am proved wrong, and I am grateful for my own home and space again.

Best of everything to you!

[lovenature]

If he is banging on the door, another thing you can try is to answer the door, tell him you don't have time right now, but can see him at (insert time).  Ask him if he would like you to come over to his place or him come to you.  No more discussion about right now.

Can you write out exactly what happens, what he did and what you did, that creates the problem with him being across the street?

The problem is when they live across the street and don't leave you alone, ANY contact what so ever shows them there is still an attachment in place. You can't reason with a mentally ill person who won't stop trying to hold onto you. Ignore, don't acknowledge any contact, focus on you.