From mourning to thriving - is it possible?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi my dear friends,
The past couple of months I've been battling depression. I went to T today and discussed my feelings of emptiness with him. He suggested I take up my volunteer work again and eventually get a paid job. It seems to me as if this is only a temporary means to make yourself feel fulfilled in your life and this makes me wonder if it is at all possible to lead a fulfilling life - to thrive. I mean, if you use work as an escape from your inner emptiness, you won't be really happy. But my T seemed to think this is normal. He also believes that I will not get rid of my depressions, which is in itself a depressing thought.

I can't help but think that there must be a way to achieve actual happiness and fulfilment... .maybe it's only a dream, but I don't think the nihilistic view does it for me. I'm done with being unhappy all my life. I want to feel healthy, strong and independent. Tall order, eh?  But there must be something worth living for, right? I have been looking for a purpose my whole life (frantically, at times) and I think it should have something to do with people, nature and animals. I have got rid of the illusion that a partner can be the most important thing of your life so let's skip that possibility  (no offense to anyone for whom their partner is the most important thing - I envy you.)

Looking back on my life, the example of happiness my mother gave was not helpful. She depended on my presence and my (fake) cheerfulness for her happiness. If unhappy, she used alcohol, married men, "protegés", sex, excessive work, and shopping to suppress her feelings. That is why I am loth to do anything at all like that, even though I often use a fantasy world to escape from my anxiety and depression. What makes me truly happy (if only for some moments) is spending time with loved ones, but it also triggers my fear of losing them.

Do you have any ideas on this? What things in your life make you feel whole, fulfilled, useful, happy... .? What have you tried to give more meaning to your life?

Thanks as always 

[polly87]

Hi my dear friends,
The past couple of months I've been battling depression. I went to T today and discussed my feelings of emptiness with him. He suggested I take up my volunteer work again and eventually get a paid job. It seems to me as if this is only a temporary means to make yourself feel fulfilled in your life and this makes me wonder if it is at all possible to lead a fulfilling life - to thrive. I mean, if you use work as an escape from your inner emptiness, you won't be really happy. But my T seemed to think this is normal. He also believes that I will not get rid of my depressions, which is in itself a depressing thought.

I can't help but think that there must be a way to achieve actual happiness and fulfilment... .maybe it's only a dream, but I don't think the nihilistic view does it for me. I'm done with being unhappy all my life. I want to feel healthy, strong and independent. Tall order, eh?  But there must be something worth living for, right? I have been looking for a purpose my whole life (frantically, at times) and I think it should have something to do with people, nature and animals. I have got rid of the illusion that a partner can be the most important thing of your life so let's skip that possibility  (no offense to anyone for whom their partner is the most important thing - I envy you.)

Looking back on my life, the example of happiness my mother gave was not helpful. She depended on my presence and my (fake) cheerfulness for her happiness. If unhappy, she used alcohol, married men, "protegés", sex, excessive work, and shopping to suppress her feelings. That is why I am loth to do anything at all like that, even though I often use a fantasy world to escape from my anxiety and depression. What makes me truly happy (if only for some moments) is spending time with loved ones, but it also triggers my fear of losing them.

Do you have any ideas on this? What things in your life make you feel whole, fulfilled, useful, happy... .? What have you tried to give more meaning to your life?

Thanks as always 

[Turkish]

if you use work as an escape from your inner emptiness, you won't be really happy. But my T seemed to think this is normal.

What does your T think it's normal,  that people use work to escape inner emptiness, or that people can use work to fulfill a purpose,  and maybe join a "tribe" to belong?

[Notwendy]

I read there is evidence that a job ( not one that is very high stress) has shown to help people with depression.

I understand what you are saying - that looking at something external to find inner happiness may not really do what you are looking for, but when we engage in something productive, it can be fulfilling- chicken and egg.

I get a lot of benefits from my job beyond the finances. When I am working with other people on a project, it is an opportunity to bond in a way, over a mutual interest. It is different from a friendship- ( I think it is best to be professional at work and not bring in too much personal) but the relationships become friendly on a professional level- and so they are good company. There is the satisfaction of belonging to a group of people, serving a purpose, and while the paycheck also helps, these things can be found in volunteer work as well.

I think there is some truth to getting out of ourselves- our own thoughts and feelings as a means to cope with depression. Now, someone wouldn't want to take it too far- into co-dependency, but that is something to work with a counselor on if that happens, as you are doing.

[Phoenix09]

I wake up at least once every week with the idea that I'm going to reinvent myself.  This is the week that I will find something that I am truly passionate about and will commit to.  This is the week that I will stick to a routine and do the yoga and meditation, the healthier eating and walking program.  I will find an organization where I can volunteer and find ways to connect with people.  This is the week that I will find something that fills the hole in my life.

It usually lasts a couple of days and then I find myself antsy and anxious.  I use aps on my phone to track my progress because I keep telling myself that once I make it a habit - then I'll be ok.  But something always sidetracks me and when I don't feel like things are changing for me - I fall back into my routine of "I'll settle for some beers at the corner spot with trivial conversation just so I can feel like there is something in my life".

I have a partner who is very supportive but he's also not very open.  We've had a rocky road as I battle to overcome my feelings of insecurity.  If he doesn't answer a question right away, I go into defense mode thinking he's giving me a cold shoulder.  I'm so fortunate that he is patient with me and knows when I am going into super-sensitive mode but I also struggle because I would love for us to be closer.  But then I realize that I'm not close with anyone either.  I can't tell you how many days I want to lock myself away because I just don't know how to interact with people.

But so few people even know this about me.  They think I'm this sociable person that has spent the last 10 years bouncing around meeting people and having incredible adventures.  I was a road warrior.  My job entailed brief engagements with clients - the majority of them over the phone and then a couple short visits for some consulting work.  No relationships.   No co-workers with water-cooler talk.  I can't even begin to describe how lonely I was.  Got off a plane once and sat down in the airport and cried because of everyone holding signs waiting for loved ones.  No one ever met me at the airport.

I decided to take a cubicle job because I wanted more in my life.  I'm trying so hard to make friends both in and out of work.  Friends that will think to call me and not ones that I have to chase and always ask to do things.  I've never really known what it was like to have a "best friend" that just called out of the blue to talk.  And so all of this reinforces the ideas put in my head that I'm the problem.  I'm the one that is not normal. 

And so at least once a week - if not more - I get up in the morning and have the conversation with myself that I'm a good person and have value... .but I'm still going to make myself just a little bit better so people will like me.  It's exhausting. Sorry that I don't have any answers for you but I'm hoping that by sharing you might not feel so alone.

[Notwendy]

I'm still going to make myself just a little bit better so people will like me

Try: I like myself the way I am, and people will like me too.

I get the trying to be better to win approval. It was as if I had to work very hard to be loved in my FOO. The idea that I am lovable just the way I am didn't occur to me. I always felt I had to work on some kind of improvement.

I do believe that life is a journey of learning and we should not be complacent and not want to grow and learn, and be better people. But this feeling also needs to include a feeling that we are indeed, "good enough" to love ourselves and to be loved.

Self improvement projects can feel overwhelming. One step at a time isn't. I might decide I want to have a perfectly organized home. That's not me. But I can improve- start my cleaning out one drawer at a time.

Baby steps... .

[Kwamina]

Hi polly97

Dealing with depression can be very tough, I am glad you do have the support of a therapist to help you.

He suggested I take up my volunteer work again and eventually get a paid job. It seems to me as if this is only a temporary means to make yourself feel fulfilled in your life and this makes me wonder if it is at all possible to lead a fulfilling life - to thrive. I mean, if you use work as an escape from your inner emptiness, you won't be really happy.

I think what might help is to consider this chain:

Events lead to Thoughts which lead to Feelings which lead to Behaviors

There however also is a feedback loop:

Behaviors lead to Thoughts which lead to Feelings which lead to (New) Behaviors

I have worked on talking back to the inner critic and replacing automatic negative thoughts by more positive/constructive ones, which resulted in more positive feelings. I have also noticed that by changing my behaviors, even when I don't feel that well or that optimistic, this can also result in more positive thoughts which lead to more positive feelings which then lead to (new) more positive behaviors. Work might seem like a trick or an escape, but I think it can be more than that. By changing our behavior we can in a way 'reprogram' ourselves. How do you feel about this line of thinking?

But my T seemed to think this is normal. He also believes that I will not get rid of my depressions, which is in itself a depressing thought.

Did your T explain why he believes you will not get rid of your depressions?

I can't help but think that there must be a way to achieve actual happiness and fulfilment... .

In the title of this thread you ask if it is possible to move from mourning to thriving. The way I view my healing process is that it's the management of my difficult thoughts and emotions. I view it as maintenance, it is not per se that the difficult thoughts and emotions totally go away, but more that I am now better able to manage them. This management does require continual work and maintenance though, it's an ongoing process. When I consider the work of Dr. David Burns, I also see him describing an approach aimed at managing ourselves. By being aware of our automatic negative thoughts, being able to identify the cognitive distortions in them and applying the tools to untwist our thinking, we are able to better manage our difficult thoughts and emotions. To thrive can perhaps be seen as the ability to better manage ourselves allowing us to unlock new dimensions of living.

What makes me truly happy (if only for some moments) is spending time with loved ones, but it also triggers my fear of losing them.

Perhaps it can be helpful to explore this trigger and let yourself experience that fear without reacting to it. I would once again like to quote the amazing Pete Walker (I'm a parrot so can't help it ):

"Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met."

"Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

When I consider Pete Walker's work it strikes me that he too talks about management. He doesn't talk about healing or curing emotional flashbacks, but he does talk about managing them and how this can lead their intensity, duration and frequency to decrease.

"Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy." -- Pete Walker

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi Polly 

Kwamina your response is awesome, thank you!  Looking for healing as a final goal and looking for happiness and wholeness as proof of that healing is a rabbit hole built by falsehoods and wishes for things that can never be.  I was hurt and damaged.  Those kinds of hurts run deep and can never be fully repaired to the point of not seeing or being aware of what once was.  Healing, to me, is awareness of those injuries, understanding the damage they caused and being able to incorporate their existence into daily functioning and thriving *with* the scars.  It is a process, often messy and in my case it often involves saddness, tears and a bit of kicking and screaming, but it is full of joy and wonder too... .obviously I am still working on this, but maybe that is the whole point?  Eventually, I expect the hard work of remembering new ways to respond rather than reacting to old triggers will become easier and easier. 

Thriving after the abuse you experienced can and will happen.  I see lots of progress in you and I also see some thriving.

I find it helpful to define the terms we talk about and then identify my associated expectations.  So Polly, how do you define healing?  Thriving?  Happiness?  What do they look like to you (aka what are your expectations)?

What sorts of things do you tell yourself when you notice the
 

[polly87]

Hello dear friends 
Turkish, it seemed as if my T really meant that people use work to escape the inner emptiness, that's why his view stood out to me.

There is the satisfaction of belonging to a group of people, serving a purpose

Notwendy, I think those two things are important factors that you can find in a job but not often in the life of a survivor of a BPD parent. All my life I've been looking for a purpose, and I've decided recently that mine is to serve people and animals. Today I started a volunteer job and it was good to feel useful for a couple of hours.

I wake up at least once every week with the idea that I'm going to reinvent myself.  This is the week that I will find something that I am truly passionate about and will commit to.  ... .This is the week that I will find something that fills the hole in my life.

Phoenix09, I've been there... .the endless reinventions, the hope, the disappointment in oneself... .and the ever present void in my soul. I'm yearning for a fulfilling life, predictability, security... .but it slips from my fingers when I reach out. The people I love are busy and it seems I'm unable to take my r/s and certain friendships to a next level. I feel like I'm stuck.

I'm so fortunate that he is patient with me and knows when I am going into super-sensitive mode but I also struggle because I would love for us to be closer.

Thank you for sharing... .My bf is a lot like that. He is patient and understanding but I can't get closer to him. He always turns back into himself, avoiding my displays of affection.

Kwamina, I'm all for the reprogramming... .I'm trying to stick at it and remind myself of reality again and again.
My T didn't explain why he thought I wouldn't get rid of my depressions. I'll have to ask at the next session, which is only in January.

The way I view my healing process is that it's the management of my difficult thoughts and emotions. I view it as maintenance, it is not per se that the difficult thoughts and emotions totally go away, but more that I am now better able to manage them.

Thank you for sharing this view. It is more manageable than aiming at total healing, which just isn't possible. My head's spinning at the moment so I can't help but be brief but I really like this way of looking at healing.

Harri  , to me healing involves awareness... .self-awareness, awareness of the past and awareness of the present. Healing also involves learning to trust others. Worrying less about their motives. A sense of serenity at times. Being able to look back and say: it sucked, but it doesn't affect me like it used to.

Thriving, for me, is about feeling inspired. Wanting to live. Wanting to get up in the morning and do something. Being content with your life. Not being poor. Being able to hold down a paid job. Being able to buy presents for loved ones.

As for happiness, I'm not very familiar with it  . To me it means being very content with your life. A lot like thriving but even better. In daydreams, I would add love and marriage to that. And maybe a car that's not rusty  just kidding.

What sorts of things do you tell yourself when you notice the

I'm afraid the last part of your sentence has disappeared... .what did you want to say?

Thanks a lot to all of you for replying. 

[Harri]

I'm afraid the last part of your sentence has disappeared... .what did you want to say?

  Oops!  Ummmm, darn!  I do not know but I am quite sure it was deeply profound and insightful.    

I think I was asking what you tell yourself when you notice all the missing things you wish you did have in your life.  It is okay and even healthy (I think) to notice areas that need improvement or changing but how we talk about that stuff in our own heads is important.  We can make things harder or more difficult without even trying to.  I have no idea if this applies to you or not so take it with half a grain of salt but (!) take a look at your self talk and see if there are negative messages embedded in there. 

Things like "I am not productive or valuable if I do not work full time" or, like me this past week, "therapy sucks when am I going to start feeling better rather than worse?".  Things like that. 

Are you on meds for depression?  They can take a while to kick in, but I find them helpful (though I have been skipping my meds the last week and a half and that may be why therapy sucks so bad right now!  LOL  I am back on them now so I am giving it another 2 weeks before I start to really whine about things.  )

I'm so glad you are back to volunteering!  It is such a wonderful thing to do.  Everyone wins!

I really like your definitions.  Can you see how you are working towards getting there and that some time, that is sufficient... .for now?

Take good care m'dear!

[GreenGlit]

I can relate a lot to this. The feeling of emptiness and purposelessness. My T explained to me that this stemmed from my mother's grasp on my emotional state, and our enmeshment. I was a part of her, an extension of her, and had dedicated many years of my childhood trying to make her happy, because that was my job. She would make me feel worthless when I made her unhappy. But if I separate from her, who am I? What is an arm separated from the body? That's how I felt... .a listless empty thing for a long time.

I think your T's suggestions go along the lines of "fake it till you make it." This concept was something I tried years ago... .and it WORKS. Now you feel down. But if you surround yourself with hobbies, a job, coworkers, and build this "normal" life around yourself... .then... .one day you may look around and say, Huh, this isn't so bad! This happened to me when I was extremely depressed in college. I didn't want to go to class or get dressed or leave my room. But every morning I said to myself, "Normal people go to class and get dressed. I'm going to put on this dress and fake a smile and go to parties and study and get good grades" because I know if I just let everything go, it would be even harder to dig out of the hole. At some point I stopped noticing that I was forcing myself to do it, and those fake smiles turned into genuine ones without me even really noticing it... .and I started from completely faking it. I've had many difficult moments since then, but every time I think about that experience and remember if I continue to build my life even when I want to give up, that won't fail me.

I remember reading this study once about two randomly assigned groups of people who watched the same comedy movie. One group held a pencil between their teeth, which required the use of the same muscles as smiling. The other group held the pencil between their lips, which required the use of frown muscles. The group that was forced to smile by holding the pencil in their teeth ended up finding the movie more funny than the other group. I'm a believer that it's not just our thoughts that affect our behavior, but it's the other way around too.