My boyfriend's ex-wife has BPD

[emmyeyes16]

 Hello everyone,

        My boyfriend of almost two years revealed to me this past weekend that he has been researching BPD in relation to his ex-wife.  They have been divorced 3.5 years, were married five years, and share a 7.5 year old daughter.  They have lived apart for over 4.5 years.  We have had at times a dramatic relationship of our own, as I have been healing from a narc upbringing and a 26 year marriage to a sociopathic alcoholic narc.  My boyfriend and I are very compatible, 'in love' and yet, I have felt all along that his ex has been a 'wedge' between us.  She has called the shots for their daughter's visitation since I have known him, so the schedule to see his child is erratic(often weekends in the summer, the child remains with the mother and grandparents to visit the lake cottage, etc). My boyfriend seems to have little/no say in the scheduling of the child. He is a traveling consulting who lives an hour plus from his daughter, so unless he picks her up at school, and takes her to dance/swim, and then dinner, he typically only sees her on the weekend.

     I guess why I am here is because my boyfriend suggested this weekend that he is going to seek therapy WITH his ex in order to confront some of the 'issues' that they are experiencing. He said he has 22 pages of emails of her lambasting him for his bad parenting, etc, etc. He never reveals details, but the child recently has been put into a unique type of therapy for supposed ADD, and now there are some very stringent dietary restrictions.  The child is a very typical, sweet, and bright 7 year old. I have five children of my own and consider myself to be a 'good' and devoted mother. I don't see any abnormal or bizarre behavior from his daughter. In fact, she's mostly delightful and easy going.

   I believe things are 'heating up' between my boyfriend and the ex as she realizes that I am not going anywhere, that we are in a serious relationship, and that her daughter loves me. I typically see the child every weekend in my home, with my children, or at boyfriend's home.  She is very fond of me, and I am very respectful of the boundaries of being daddy's girlfriend(no way do I impune a 'mommy' or 'stepmommy' to our relationship, although the child has slipped and called me mom).

    I simply feel that my boyfriend is far engaged and entangled in this relationship with his ex. To date, he has NOT enforced appropriate boundaries with her, and cowtows(sp?) to her demands-for example, our schedule is dependent upon her relinquishing the child to him on the weekend, so usually, I don't know until Wed or Thursday what day/nights of the weekend my boyfriend may be 'single'/available. I have physical custody of my minor children and have a typical every other weekend custody arrangement, where my children visit their dad every other weekend overnight(s). So I sit around and wait to see if boyfriend and I have a date night, or a parenting night with his child.

   My boyfriend has told me again and again that he will do whatever he has to do for the best interest of his child, and yet, as a parent myself, and one with great experience with a partner with a personality disorder, he refuses to accept that he cannot change his ex-wife, and until he establishes firm boundaries, she will continue to walk all over him, and use the child as leverage.

   My question:  My boyfriend speaks of our future, marriage, forever often. And yet, I have no idea how we can ever get "there" when he is so entangled in this mess.  I am NOT selfish, in fact, he is the love of my life, and I have forgiven some grievances with him early in our relationship that many would have run from, but as I continue therapy myself, I now love ME enough to NOT want to have a life waiting on someone else's drama/demands/rants/chaos.  I am wondering if all of this is worth me waiting out. Will boyfriend in fact seek therapy and establish boundaries with his ex? Will he "let go" of the notion that she is going to be a healthy and positive influence on their child. Will he realize that HE can't 'save her' from herself, and that she will likely be a miserable, controlling woman no matter the circumstances?

   Any insight and support is welcome. I love this guy, a lot, and my heart is breaking to consider walking away from this relationship. I am simply not sure that he is ready, healthy enough, capable of doing what is needed to create a better future for himself, his child, and for our relationship.

   Thank you for reading.  PS  Side note-my ex lives with a woman, who has two children, I met her one month after my children did.  We have a cordial relationship(she and I) and both of us are grateful. I have never met boyfriend's ex and find that odd/interesting as I have now known his daughter for 1.5 years.  Seems as if his ex is so controlling she would want to meet a woman who spends time with her child every weekend?

  Thank you again!

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[Mutt]

Hi emmyeyes26,  

I simply feel that my boyfriend is far engaged and entangled in this relationship with his ex. To date, he has NOTenforced appropriate boundaries with her, and cowtows(sp?) to her demands-for example, our schedule is dependent upon her relinquishing the child to him on the weekend, so usually, I don't know until Wed or Thursday what day/nights of the weekend my boyfriend may be 'single'/available.

You have custody of your kids, has your boyfriend sought a court order? I can relate with your situation. My ex would often change her mind with visitation, she can't put herself in my shoes or the kids shoes and understand that we have plans or that it's their r/s with dad. She's very high conflict but I had to get court appointed boundaries in black and white so that she can't misinterpret something that we agreed on, the court order removes all ambiguity and she can talk to the judge if she doesn't respect the boundaries.

[Sunfl0wer]

Your story feels very familiar to my own.  Met my ex shortly after his divorce to a woman with BPD.  The daughter between them was great, at about 8 yrs.  we all got along great initially.

My advice... .
The issues that nag you slightly now, the little things... .
Are the same issues that will bug you years to come.
This was told to me by our first MC.
It was quite true in this situation, and looking back, others too.

Other advice... .
I made the mistake of seeing my BF as a victim of his exW abuse. Initially I was supportive, and compassionate to his struggles with her.  After we moved in, I expected him to protect us all more.  She was actively emotionally abusing him, after we moved in together, that abuse, entered our home life, my son too.  

The dynamic he participated in with his ex, that abusive dynamic, began to enter our home.  His ex, manipulating all of us.  (Including veiled threats to my minor son of false accusations, including using her teen daughter to sabotage life, grades, vacations, etc). He was an active participant in the abuse in that he allowed her to mildly abuse him to avoid bigger abuse.  Well, this ended up feeling very abusive to me.  I ended up setting my own boundaries. And well, it fell apart somewhere after that.

Anyway... .
This is the saving board.

I am not trying to scare you.
I am just hoping to add some perspective to the point that I feel... .
The minor issues in the beginning of lack of boundary setting... .
Likely to remain the same issues years to come.
Sure in MC he made minor changes, me too, yet, didn't really change the entire way he operated.

Just really trying to say, I think you are wise for being concerned about the boundary issues, and to pay attention to how this stuff plays out.

(My mistake was trying to participate in changing the dynamics too much rather than allowing things so I could observe what is natural to them all)


If you read about the drama triangle... .
It relates.

[emmyeyes16]

  Thank you so much Mutt and Sunflower,

     My boyfriend used mediation but as I am recently learning they finangled their 'own' custody arrangement. For example-he agreed to allow the ex to have the daughter EVERY Christmas morning. Always. He said he wanted out so badly that he made these kinds of concessions. My ex is high conflict, was very abusive, and had a lot of money on top of it, so I HAD to seek the court for a standard visitation/holiday schedule. So no surprises(well, we've still had a few, but I *knew* it would minimize them if we had an agreement written in stone).  This is one of the things that bothers me about B.  Of course I love that he is an invested, engaged daddy(My x was/is not) But will he spend the rest of his life bending over backwards to an ex(and perhaps daughter who learns from mom... .)who knows how to manipulate HER way over and over and over and over again.  That is not fair to me, or to my family.

   I had a very dysfunctional upbringing, and I do wonder who truly is ready to date/marry/engage in relationship as we all have "stuff" but I am working earnestly on my healing and progress of self, and I am afraid that as I learn about me, and about being a healthier person/partner, these things WILL in fact niggle at my gut. They already do.

  B(oyfriend) had said that he was considering changing the Christmas morning ritual this year(Up til now, he drives 70 miles to his x's to watch his daughter open her Santa gifts at x's home, who has primary custody). Of course, two years in, my heart and mind think that there should be another arrangement. If we in fact are going to build our own lives, family together and a future, then I don't see how there is room for that. My B gets very defensive about his x.(Early in the relationship he often mentioned how attractive she is) I am rather attractive to him(and most others) not that it matters, but I always felt that he was still far too engaged/invested in his x. I am now concerned, after reading and researching, that B too thrives on some of this drama and chaos that a BPD brings to the table.  I came from chaos. I avoid it at all costs-I learned a great deal about communicating more effectively and efficiently during my divorce from my abusive narc x. It was a part of the blessing of going through it!

  I am very torn.  When B seemed indecisive about the holidays, my heart fell to my stomach(We were on a getaway for my upcoming birthday this past weekend) and I had to excuse myself from our lovely lunch for a few minutes. Of course, upon my return, B was ultra concerned about MY upset. I sat quietly for a time, then said, "How would YOU feel if I went  and spent Christmas morning at my x's with our (five) children? You likely would not like it". He agreed, but then went on to say that he was 'considering' making changes-ie. having Santa visit both homes and wanted my opinion. That is NOT how he began the conversation and I am very careful in general about telling people what to do/not do. I am not a typical advice giver as my mother was overbearingly controlling and I remain an indecisive person(did I mention my great therapist? ) because of it. B has to make his own decisions for his life, his daughter, and our relationship as well. I won't ultimatum him, well, that isn't my intention, but I fear that unless he really enforces boundaries with his X, NOTHING will EVER change. And there are many, many divorced families who celebrate Christmas, and Santa Claus, twice, and separately.

  It hurts my heart. This man has shown me real love, not perfect love, but a real friendship, mixed with great chemistry, good communication, affection and lots of laughs and fun. My marriage was so very heavy and HARD, all of the time. But I refuse to settle for another sh*tstorm, because B won't stand up to the situation regarding his X. I am trepidacious.

  Time will tell, but I am not getting any younger, and frankly at almost two years in, I feel like it's coming to a 'fish or cut bait' time in our relationship. I appreciate so much the non-judgement and support here. I know first hand it is VERY hard to climb out from under the emotional/mental mindset of the abuse by these disordered people. But I look at my 31year relationship with my x and B's 7 year relationship with his x, and I have let go, and it seems that he is hanging on. It can certainly be due to the age of his child, who is young, and my children are 11 to 28, so as a parent, I have a few things figured out imo. I don't know, so I do appreciate your thoughts.

   Should I suggest anything to B? Or wait til he talks about this topic? He does get defensive and when he suggested therapy with his X, and I asked why? (given that if she hasn't changed in 4.5 years post-D, why would she start now? In fact she's getting more difficult from what I can tell... .) I see it as him remaining engaged in the marital dynamic and ultimately, there's no room for ME there. There isn't.  I am a loving and lovely person, who has worked soo hard on finding my peace, my sanity beyond my own childhood and bad marriage. I don't want to do "this" forever, yanno?

   

[Mutt]

It sounds like you've had time to think about this. I wouldn't go to therapy with my ex after our divorce, I don't have to work on our issues because there is no "we" I agree with you that he's enmeshed, that can take time to get untangled, you can support him but it has to come from him ultimately.

Do you feel like you're past this? I get the impression that you're not happy because you want something different in life.  

[emmyeyes16]

  Mutt,
 
    Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I appreciate them. Well, mostly, yes, I think I am past it. I am certainly at a point where I realize that my ex and my long marriage and relationship with him is in the PAST. I have no desire nor do I choose to engage with him.  Of course, we all initially have hope to co-parent which melds into parallel parenting with these types.  I have NO desire to please nor to seek validation from my x. A concern I have is that I believe B is still trying to attain this from his ex-wife.  I recently told him that even though he's an amazing, engaging, wonderfully caring daddy(and he is!) his x dumps all of this guilt and b.s. at his feet, and then he PICKS IT UP.  And then, I shake my head.

  I am at a point in my life, where I truly wish to build a life with someone. This circumstance makes me feel like I am tapping my foot... .and waiting... .and waiting... .I cannot remarry anytime soon due to my spousal support settlement. So I am not rushing marriage, or anything like that, but with almost two years vested, I want to believe that we are headed in the right direction and have the same goals. B says that we do, but his actions regarding his x speak something else, imo. I believe in love and I have great hope for the future. I refused to be embittered by my awful marriage.  If B is not the 'one' for me, I want to find him!  Not out of need or desperation but out of want of having a wonderful, satisfying partnership with someone.

  Thank you again.  I will keep reading and ponder a bit more... .