Widowed mom already has a "boyfriend".

[Depression = 72% of members]

My 65-year-old BPD mom has been a widow for 9 months. I have limited my contact with her since Dad's death, which has been good for me. But I did see her the other day to keep things cordial.

And she revealed to me that she has a secret: she is dating a new man she found on match.com. And that in fact she's had a paid subscription on Match since August (only 6 months after my dad died). They are spending a lot of time together. This guy is a widower too, but he has been one for more than half a decade.

There is no consideration that the rest of us are still just getting used to the fact Dad has died. I think most people would be surprised that she's already so eagerly in the game after being with my dad for over 40 years. She's keeping it a secret.

I can't tell her what to do and it wouldn't work anyway (she'd get a thrill knowing it upsets me.) But I feel this has officially killed off my dad's memory and legacy. She is already on to his replacement. And we are not okay with this.

I know their marriage was unhealthy especially at the end, but to already have a new boyfriend before our first holidays without Dad? And saying she'd have him move in with her? And that one day my husband and him can play golf? It's like she's spitting on Dad's grave. She's acting completely out of character.

I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my mother now too. I don't recognize her. I don't think I want her in my life at all anymore, which is awkward because we live in the same town (and the holidays are rapidly approaching.) My entire life as I knew it is crumbling before my eyes faster than I ever thought possible.  

[heartofglass]

My 65-year-old BPD mom has been a widow for 9 months. I have limited my contact with her since Dad's death, which has been good for me. But I did see her the other day to keep things cordial.

And she revealed to me that she has a secret: she is dating a new man she found on match.com. And that in fact she's had a paid subscription on Match since August (only 6 months after my dad died). They are spending a lot of time together. This guy is a widower too, but he has been one for more than half a decade.

There is no consideration that the rest of us are still just getting used to the fact Dad has died. I think most people would be surprised that she's already so eagerly in the game after being with my dad for over 40 years. She's keeping it a secret.

I can't tell her what to do and it wouldn't work anyway (she'd get a thrill knowing it upsets me.) But I feel this has officially killed off my dad's memory and legacy. She is already on to his replacement. And we are not okay with this.

I know their marriage was unhealthy especially at the end, but to already have a new boyfriend before our first holidays without Dad? And saying she'd have him move in with her? And that one day my husband and him can play golf? It's like she's spitting on Dad's grave. She's acting completely out of character.

I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my mother now too. I don't recognize her. I don't think I want her in my life at all anymore, which is awkward because we live in the same town (and the holidays are rapidly approaching.) My entire life as I knew it is crumbling before my eyes faster than I ever thought possible.  

[foggydew]

Hey there, steady on. Your mother has her own life to lead. You have to deal with your grief and loss, which is different. She has a different kind.
I am a widow. My husband died of cancer, and we had been friends with quite a few other couples in the same situation. We all lost our partners. There seem to have been two ways of dealing with this loss - one was to withdraw from the world and cherish the absence, the other was to try and fill the aching void. We talked about it a lot, and strangely enough, most people tried to fill the aching void with another partner. Even going on dating sites and THINKING about it helped. And I can assure you, we all loved our partners and suffered a lot in losing them. Some of us didn't feel life was worth living any more.
One thing we all learned was not to judge someone who looks for a new partner within a short space of time. It is often a method of coping.
My relationship with a uBPD person came out of this need, and the awful codependency too. I am just beginning to come to terms with my loss.

[Notwendy]

My mother is older than yours. She coped with my father's death by getting rid of his possessions quickly. This broke our hearts because at first- to punish me for setting boundaries with her, she refused to give them to me. It wasn't about value but sentiment. She wouldn't even let me have pictures of him.


Although she was older, we expected her to find a replacement quickly. She has always been attractive at any age and is a magnet for men wanting to help her. We would have been fine with it if she did. We were not sure she could manage without someone but she's surprised us and has been able to.

Your mother is still young and has many years ahead of her. She can live her life as she wishes. It is good that she is not alone. I would be happy knowing my mom was not alone.

I know the grief of missing your father. I miss mine too. But single or not, my mother was not much emotional support for us kids. Her being with someone can take some worry over her being alone. She's got emotional support from her partner. This means you can focus on your own recovery from this grief. Take care of you. Dads soul is at peace now. He would want to see you happy.

[Harri]

Hello heartofglass.  I can hear how much pain you are in reading your post and I am sorry for your hurt.  Your father's death has been hard on you and on top of that your mother has gone from being the devastated widow to being the merry widow in a very short period of time (I did go and read your previous posts). 

People react differently to death.  In the case of my parents, my mother was the first to die.  My father, verbally and emotionally abused by her for 46 years, who frequently would talk about how he wanted to die and could not handle living with her and how he hated her when she was alive went to crying and talking about my mother like she was a saint and saying "46 years!  We were together for 46 years!:" like they had the happiest marriage ever.  Go figure.   He dies less than 2 years later missing and longing for the wife he hated in life.   It boggled my mind.  Still does when I think about it.  So sad really.

As painful as this is for you, try to put your mothers behavior in context.  She was abusive to your father, you believe she essentially caused him to die from that emotional abuse and associated stress and you have been upset with her about that on top of concerns about your inheritance.  That anger and hurt you feel may be masking your grief (or maybe not.  This is a lot for you to take).  I would imagine it is hard to think of the way your father chose to live his life with her only to die and now see her having fun and starting over again in a very short time.  I can see why you would feel this is another betrayal. 

The thing is though, she gets to make choices about how she wants to live her life.  It could be that she sought another man as a companion for the very real abandonment issues she has that you talked about in previous posts.  I know that has concerned you especially given the fact that you want to move thousands of miles away with your kids and husband.

Allow her to grieve in her own way and to live her life as she wishes.  In the meantime, take a bit of comfort in the fact that she will not be alone and that will hopefully lift the burden you felt regarding your move. 

Wishing you and yours peace.  Take care.

[Notwendy]

I was also pretty horrified at my mother's apparent lack of grief over my father. I was despondent.  Once he was gone, it was out of sight out of mind. For a while, I couldn't stand going to her home, as there was almost no trace that he even existed. She also barely acknowledged the relationship between him and me and neither did her FOO. It was as if I wasn't part of the family. But people grieve differently. If you consider black and white thinking, maybe this was my mother's way to cope if there was no in between. Maybe memories were too much for her.

My father's death did change things. I was emotionally attached to him but not my mother. Emotionally I had lost the only parent I felt was a parent to me. My mother treated me as if I was not related. She wrote me out of the will, and told her FOO not to speak to me. Suddenly, the people I thought were my relatives, walked out of my life.

At first, I was shocked and grieved them. I still do sometimes. But then, I question that if someone who knew me since I was born could do that, what family is that? I know that my mother painted me black to them, and have no idea what they think of me. That bothered me, but I can't do much about that, so I had to keep a focus on the people who do care about me.

I kept some distance from her in order to deal with my own grief. I just couldn't deal with her so I didn't. But some time later when I was less emotionally upset, we have arrived at a relatively stable relationship ( lots of work on my part).

I want to say to you that what you are feeling is OK- it is OK to take care of you. I know it hurts that she seems to have replaced your father, but it is really a blessing that she isn't alone and turning to you for comfort, because, you are not in a position to be that comfort to her. This gives you space to take care of you. If you don't want to see her, you don't have to.

Holidays are tough- so have them the way you want to. If that means not cooking and getting  take out food, with just your close family- that is OK. It is OK to grieve in your own way. Also, if counseling can help, do that too. Take care of you!

[heartofglass]

Thanks again everyone. Great support forum.

I agree that there are all sorts of ways to cope with grief and I don't judge those who find comfort in new relationships. I actually can sympathize with the desire to avoid loneliness. Sadly it's not as simple as that with my mom.

What some of you are saying I'm finding true... .it does help alleviate the guilt I would otherwise be feeling for my greatly reduced contact with her now. And potential move far away. She'll be fine. She's found her support. Time to move on for everyone.

[catclaw]

Hallo heartofglass,

I'm sorry you're in that situation.

Just one question: does this man really exist? I mean, has anyone ever seen him? You say she might get good feelings from getti g you upset if i understood it right.

My grandma (as far as I'm concerned not BPD) wasn't able to deal with grandpa's dad in any other way than having her subconscience making up a boyfriend. She's older than your mom though, but she takes comfort in having a boyfriend. The man has a whole freaking backstory (immigration, children, unhappy marriage etc) and everything (if he wasn't 25 and living in a tree next to her window, we might have believed it).

I'm not saying your mom might get dementia (my grandma also isn't, she went full-blown psychotic due to the traumatic experience of loss and is on medication now), this is just another thought.


I hope you're gonna have some good holidays anyway. You know we're here if anything is wrong