SO and Child with BPD traits

[Cleveland77]

Hello all!
Glad to be on here and get support from others in similar situations!
While I've been suspect that my wife of 16 years has BPD for at least half that time, I'm recently realizing my second son has very similar traits as well. Earlier this year I had an awakening of sorts and realized I the dynamic of our relationship was toxic and spilling over to the kids. For the past 7 years or so the arguing between us has intensified as has the fighting between my sons. I thought it was just normal sibling stuff but I'm now realizing my oldest son is as frustrated with having to deal with his brother as I am at having to deal with my wife. I would describe her as primarily a Waif with Queen underpinnings. Her therapist has diagnosed her with complex-PTSD and says she doesn't have borderline but I question this. Regardless, everything I've read about BP behavior resonates with my experience and I don't really need a diagnosis to tell me what I'm experiencing. The illogical arguments that go no where, black and white thinking, being constantly criticized for something, being manipulated and blamed for things I don't recall but can't refute, not knowing when things will explode, and on and on. Overall she is fairly high functioning and puts on a good show for the outside world but saves the good stuff for the rest of us (note sarcasm). I'm at the point now where divorce seems imminent but I want to be sure before heading down that road. We are currently separated and I've felt better than I have in years and better able to handle my son and his BP traits.

Some of the questions I'm considering right now are:
1. What is her ability to recover? (She's committed to therapy right now with a focus on EMDR and healing the trauma of her past which includes an alcoholic father who's been in and out of sobriety, a mother who is either BP, NP or both and sexual trauma. She is also attending ACA groups)
2. What is my ability to support her recovery in the context of a healthy relationship both for us and for the kids?
3. What is my ability to support my son with BP traits along with my BP wife and give my non-BP son the support he needs in the midst of this toxic relationship in a healthy way for myself?
4. Assuming a healthy recovery by my wife, what is the impact of our history of infidelity in moving forward? (she had an affair while we were engaged and again in 2012; I had a brief affair earlier this year... .while i have never given reason for distrust until this year, trust has been a constant problem in our relationship)
5. Knowing that a true understanding of her recovery is not entirely possible, how much am i willing to risk entering back into a relationship with her? What is there to lose? What is there to gain? (I realize recovery depends on what she puts into it)

We've had great times together. The highs are wonderful, but the overall adversarial nature of our relationship has exhausted me to the point of depression. My energy and happiness have already seen boosts in being separated and honestly I just want to move on, but I'm doing my best to know that I'm doing what I need to for myself and my boys. I do love her and want the best for her, I just don't know that I have what it takes to get through recovery with her, especially since she doesn't currently believe she has BPD or exhibits these traits that have very similar commonality with C-PTSD. So my goals right now are really around being clear in my decision to stay or go and creating a safe/trusting/loving environment for my boys (13/14) to develop into the great men I know they can be.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Cleveland77,

Sadly, chances of a child developing BPD is much higher when a parent has the disorder  

The questions you are all good ones. I guess my question would be, what is your intention with separating? Is it to regain strength so you can better support your wife?

Which step of relationship breakdown best describes where you are at?

If she is BPD, she will have a fundamental problem with trust and abandonment. How you communicate your intention with the separation could either stabilize or destabilize her, depending on whether the separation is understood as an inevitable first step toward divorce.

It seems a good sign that she is doing EMDR and in therapy. Is this a new development?

All of this gets complicated when a child exhibits traits, and your own emotional strength is a major factor here. The teen years just get more and more challenging when there are BPD traits, in my experience.

What kind of arrangement do you have with the kids during this period of separation? Do you see a change in your son's behavior?