New Member - First Post

[Essy]

So much to say, it is hard to know where to start. I know that this is going to be a long post so I apologize up front!.

My youngest child is 20 and has struggled with mental health issues for several years. The first suicide attempt was almost two years ago midway through in the first year of university with an overdose of prescription medication. After a short stay on the young adults unit at a local hospital, we finally found out that he is transgender and we have been doing our best to support him in his transition.

At the same time that we found out about the gender dysphoria, there was mention of BPD, but we had thought that being transgender was the bigger issues that needed to be dealt with at that time. So most of the efforts have been towards getting him referred to a psychiatrist for the transition, getting therapy from a psychologist with expertise in this area, getting him the referral to the endocrinologist so he could start testosterone, etc.  We are at the point that he is getting the support that he needs in that area, which has brought the BPD behaviours to the forefront and we are now struggling to deal with that.

He lives at home with us and is now in his third year of university.  While he has made progress, he still talks almost every day about "the sweet release of death" and the fact that the only reason he is alive is because he doesn't want to hurt me more. When we talk about his upcoming 21st birthday, he makes comments like "I never thought I'd live until my last birthday, so don't expect me to be excited about this one", etc. I try to encourage him with positive role models in the transgender community and show him how far he has come. He is so smart and has such potential, yet he suffers from no self-worth, major depression, social anxiety, he has isolated himself from family and others (always in his room on his computer), he can be so angry and aggressive, he cuts himself, he has recently gone one three impulsive spending sprees online, spending his fall tuition money and then some, on very questionable purchases. His therapist says he has champagne tastes, on a beer budget.

A spending spree on eBay at the end of September led to a huge family fight with my husband and I trying to set limits with us asking him to show us what the spent and the balance on his credit card so we could see what could be returned. He refused saying that he would move out (although realistically he has no where to go). He came home from school a few days later with a couple of new tattoos and when I asked him how he paid for them he said he charged the $500 to his credit card.  I lost it unfortunately and we got into a huge argument which resulted in him walking out of the house.  Less than an hour later, he posted on Instagram that he was going to kill himself that night. People called 911, the police found him a few hours later at 10 pm and he was taken to the ER. When my husband and went to the ER, he was still mad at me and refused to see us. The police said that we may as well go home but that at least he has safe.

When I went back to the hospital the following morning, I was shocked to find out that they released him at 4 am. We had no way of contacting him and no idea where he was. Finally based on a tip from someone we didn't even know, we found him the following night at the university charging his phone and convinced him to come home. Even then, he said he wasn't staying and he told a friend that he was planning to kill himself that night. I had all of his meds, but he had taken some of my husband's heartburn pills and he had them in his room along with a butcher knife from the kitchen. I called the psychiatrist that he is seeing for his gender transition the following morning and explained the situation and we got an appointment for the next day. He decided that my son should be admitted as he was at risk to himself and the he would benefit having his medications reviewed. He was admitted on a Friday of a long weekend. The psychiatrists on call over the weekend saw him, thought he was fine and decided to release him first thing Tuesday morning without even calling the doctor who had admitted him. They said it was best for people suffering from BPD to learn to deal with things as an outpatient so they don't get too dependent on they system. Oh yah and by the way there is a long waiting list for DBT but that would be the best way to go for treatment.  So just keep doing the outpatient thing and let your family keep coping with your behaviour.

That incident was just too much for me. All the stress and anxiety of the last three years came crashing down on my and I had a melt-down. I was off work and started seeing a therapist. Unfortunately my husband won't see anyone and the stress is starting to get to him and is affecting our relationship. It seems like all we do is have whispered conversations in bed or in the basement and we are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have read the Stop Walking on Eggshells, the workbook and the Family Guide and I have learned a lot about how to start focusing on myself with meditation, therapy, etc and how I can't force my son to want to get better. But at times, I just feel so hopeless.  We have a couple of good days and then it starts all over again.  In spite of everything that happened on eBay, I found out that he spent another $600 on cyber-Monday at Macys.com. When I ask why he did it, he said he does it because he wanted it and it made him feel better about himself. Then he said he felt awful telling me because he knew I would be disappointed. At least he gave him his credit card, but he could get another one if he wanted. And I know when the stuff comes and we tell him to return it, it will lead to yet another fight and who knows what will happen then.

Sometimes he is his own worst enemy. He is majoring in English and Psychology so he has an in-depth understanding of BPD and why he acts the way he does. His favourite class to date has been his Abnormal Psych because it was all about him. Next semester he is scheduled to take Introduction to Clinical Psychology (that could either be a good thing or a bad thing!) and Sterotypes and Prejudices (once again, he says - right up his alley). He puts in next to no effort, but is still an average student. It is so frustrating because I know that he has potential. We have some pretty indepth discussions about BPD, and even the fact that he admits he has it, yet is quick to use it as an excuse for his behaviour. He also comes out and says that he is selfish and self-centred at times and he knows all about mindfulness and what will be expected with DBT. When I started meditating, I suggested that it might be good for him as one of his common complaints is that his mind won't slow down, that is always worrying and that he can't sleep. But all I got was an eyeroll. He used to use marijuana occasionally in the past, but he is using it more regularly now. His psychiatrist had mentioned medical marijuana as a possible treatment course, but he says he can't afford it because it is more expensive than buying it at school. But what about the risks of buying off the street. I know, he is not rationally and I am not supposed to expect him to be rational. Not only is he 20 and he knows everything, but he also has BPD... .

I know that we are lucky because he has a great therapist helping him with his gender transition issues. She has also become my friend as she facilitates the local PFLAG group. He has a psychiatrist who is monitoring and making changes to his medications to hopefully find the right combination for him. He has been referred to an Emotion Regulation group that meets 2x/week starting in January and I have just found a therapist who has experience in DBT who can meet with him monthly while he is on the DBT waiting list. But will he take advantage of the opportunities that he is getting. And how do we get through until we start seeing improvement. It is so unfair that he has to deal with two huge issues with being both transgender and having BPD. Anyone dealing with only one of them struggles to succeed - how are we going to get though both?

I dread Christmas because I am worried there will be another blow out. Once he writes his last exam next week, I wonder what will be his motivation to even get out of bed each day. My husband and I were supposed to go to Vegas for New Years, but we had to cancel the trip because we worry about what will happen when we are gone. We can't leave him alone with his sister (she is 22 but it won't be fair to her if something happened and also you never know if he could hurt her in a fit of anger.) We have no family around and with everything that has happened over the past few years we have become isolated from any friends that we had before.

Our life is a roller coaster. Some good days, some bad ones. I try to focus on the good days, but we can't help wondering when the other shoe is going to drop and it is so exhausting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi there Essy,



Sorry to hear all of the issues your family has faced these last few years.  That would be very trying for anyone for sure... .you've found a place full of understanding people.  We either all have had or are facing many of the same struggles you see daily.  We feel your pain... .note my user name... .that's the way I felt when I signed up here.  The good news is you are not alone, and this place is full of knowledge, caring, understanding and sharing.  To the right of this page you will find some tools and lessons you will find very useful in your journey.  One thing many of us learned the hard way is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  The communication tips in the tools section gives the fundamentals to be able to begin this process for you.  
Specifically to you, I note the spending issue is a problem.  You may want to use that subject as a entryway into communicating boundaries and limits.  Using boundaries is a way to self protect, but it can also have a positive effect on the BPD once they learn that when dedicated boundaries are crossed there are consequences.
We know this can all be overwhelming at times, and that we can feel completely drained.  Make sure you are compassionate with yourself, nobody can be expected to handle all of these things without suffering setbacks.  You've found the right place.  We look forward to hearing anything you feel like sharing.  We are here.  

[livednlearned]

Hi Essy,

What an awful emotional roller coaster to go on! Not just for your son, but for you and your husband too.

Yes, transgender and BPD together is a tough combination. My SO's D19 has transgender issues. I say issues because his/her gender identity switches. This time last year, she was male, then this summer she switched back to female. I refer to her as D19 because female is where she seems to be right now, and although she presents physically as male, her demeanor, especially with her dad, is almost like a little girl at times, around 3 years old or so.

There are some helpful skills that made small differences in my relationship with D19. Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, another by Valerie Porr, and even though it seems a little more slanted toward romantic partners, the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me has a good section on SET (support, empathy, truth) statements, especially for double-bind scenarios like threatening suicide.

Another helpful thing about the last two books is that they cover some of the other therapies used in treating BPD. Mentalization therapy and schema therapy are both alternatives (for the reasons you state, DBT is hard to find, not to mention expensive), and leading experts in BPD (Gundersen comes to mind) has said that the number one most important quality in a T is empathy, moreso than the type of therapy. DBT happens to be one of a handful that have been empirically researched.

It is hard to pull the rip cord, but the softer your boundaries and more complicit you are in enabling behaviors, the more out of control they feel. Because if they cannot control their behavior, and you cannot control yours, then who is manning the ship?

It can feel very scary for people with BPD to think that you are easily hoodwinked. I know it's not easy to imagine setting strong boundaries and feels counterintuitive when your child is drowning. We are here to walk with you on this difficult journey.

 

LnL