How to keep arguing and yelling away from the children

[cycletime]

A lot of suggestions indicate using validation to reduce conflict and hostility. When a partner is yelling or out of control in front of children how can or do  you validate?  Many suggest taking a time out and leaving the situation but this is also difficult to do with multiple children. Has anyone had success in this area? Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you.

[Turkish]

Hi cycletime,

I saw your first post on Detaching,  that you're in the process of divorcing. This is tough with children involved,  especially if your S15 is showing signs of stress about it.  Though divorcing, I think you can benefit from the lessons on the Improving Board,  specifically the communication tools outlined in Lesson 3. They helped me in living with my ex for 4 months until she could move out:

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

For now,  you still are,  and will be in a sense no matter how custody goes. 
For your son.  We have lessons to the right of this board which are tailored specifically to helping us deal with our children. Validation works on anyone,  and it applies to kids as well, including positive mirroring,  including "reflective listening."

That all being said (please ask any questions, I know I'm throwing a lot out there), my concern is of you and the kids feel safe.  How old are the others? Has she exhibited domestic violence to you,  by yourself or in front of the children?

[LilMe]

Hi cycletime   

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I had to go very limited contact with my uBPD to stop the verbal attacks. If he starts during a drop off or pick up for visitation, I do not respond and leave as quickly as I can. Fortunately I always transport for visitation so I can leave. I also do not attempt to validate or anything. I usually just say I/we will be leaving now and go. It also helps when I am able to take someone else with me when I interact with him. He is more likely to be on better behavior if there is a witness, but not always. If I must  speak with him, I do it with no children around. Even when he is not dysregulating he says things that hurt the children.

It took a few months of consistently leaving when he started acting crazy, but now he doesn't do it very often because he knows I will leave. I also do my best to not react to him; I keep it neutral and try to show no emotion at all.

I hope things calm down for you and your children soon!