Just getting out

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After many years, my new ex and I have decided to end our (second for both) marriage. I've had a really rough time letting go (as seems typical), losing a lot of weight, not sleeping, having a lot of anxiety, etc. I'm so relieved I found this website the described the phases of a BPD relationship and how closely it mirrored these last 10 years. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and have started to get counseling as I've looked at my own behavior and watched my self-esteem (never that solid to begin with) crumble over the years. Now it's onto divorce and I'm very worried about what comes next. I have lots of questions, but wanted to at least post my intro.

[Butch13]

After many years, my new ex and I have decided to end our (second for both) marriage. I've had a really rough time letting go (as seems typical), losing a lot of weight, not sleeping, having a lot of anxiety, etc. I'm so relieved I found this website the described the phases of a BPD relationship and how closely it mirrored these last 10 years. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and have started to get counseling as I've looked at my own behavior and watched my self-esteem (never that solid to begin with) crumble over the years. Now it's onto divorce and I'm very worried about what comes next. I have lots of questions, but wanted to at least post my intro.

[Turkish]

Any kids here? What do you feel are your primary risks in divorce?

[livednlearned]

This site is probably the most helpful one you could stumble upon when it comes to thinking strategically and psychologically about a (potentially) high-conflict divorce.

A lot of us tend to self-sabotage in our divorces, suffering from low self-esteem like you mention. That can also mean wavering about  whether to walk away or stay. It's a hard decision.

If you're dealing with that yourself, this article about the psychological stages of divorce might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271676.msg12577883#msg12577883

Talk to us, let us know how we can support you, whether you're done or just trying to figure it out.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

As Turkish asked, do you two share any children?  If so, then there will be custody and parenting schedule issues that can greatly complicate a divorce.  If not then it will be mostly about money, division of assets, whether one spouse would get alimony and how much.

If she is not currently working then one theme you can expound in court is that she needs to start working so the transition to post-marriage is not so hard for her.  Ten years may not qualify for lifetime alimony — these days alimony is generally more to aid transition out of the marriage — but you could get slapped with 2 to 5 years.

Beware that she may claim to be your victim or target of abuse.  Some have done that to seek the court's favor, to make you squirm or put you at an emotional if not legal disadvantage.