How do you deal with the suicide threats

[Pipedreamer25]

Hi All,

I'm having another horrible set of days.  I just don't know when it's going to end.  I've posted a lot about what's going on recently but basically exBPDbf is on a really horrible downward spiral.  He called saying that he had tried to kill himself then he left a bunch of demands for his funeral and gave me his suicide plan.  He has been suicidal before but the plan and the funeral plans were different.

I called emergency for an ambulance as his directions were really clear.  He called me an hour later saying that the police had been sent over.  He is a halfway house witha  lot of violent men who are now threatening to kill him.  He said that I had put him in danger and he hoped that I could live with myself that I had killed him.  I told him that I would alway call emmergency services if someone said what he did.  He's been really verbally abusive and I just can't believe that it's all unravelling like this.   

Would be interested to hear about other people's strategies for dealing with this sort of stuff.

Thank you for your time,

[patientandclear]

Exactly what you did: take it at face value, and ask appropriate emergency services to intervene/respond.

This sounds manipulative on his part. He is upset because you took action involving real services rather than you personally responding and caring for him, which may have been the objective of telling you the plan.

I've lived through this. It used to upset me so much, but this approach worked. Eventually he stopped because he knew he wasn't going to get the response he wanted, he would indeed end up with intervention from clinical services which was not his goal.

I have also endured verbal abuse. I know you care about this person, but his behavior is not consistent with him caring about you. I'm sorry. It is consistent with him using you.

Much of what is happening right now with you two seems to be him checking to see if he can get you to budge with more and more extreme behavior. If you do budge you will have a heck of a time getting him to believe in any boundaries ever again. You're doing everything right as far as I can see. He himself needs to accept the situation requires him to rescue himself, not someone else to rescue him. This is a major shift that he may not ever really make (my alcoholic abusive ex never did).

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks Patience and clear.  I know I did the right thing.  I wouldn't forgive myself if he had committed suicide.   I am seeing a very different side to him now.  Things have never been this bad.  He has never insulted me so deliberately before.  It's painful.  When is soberish it seems he is talking sense and is like the person I know apologizing advising that he knew I am trying to help but he isn't strong enough.  When he gets drunk that all goes out the window suddenly it's all my fault.  He literally went from telling me he loved me and asking me to come meet him and hang out with a friend to telling me nastily not to bother - all in about the course of fifteen minutes!  It's amazing!  I don't recognize this person. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pipedreamer25,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Suicide threats are extremely stressful to deal with. I agree with P&C that you reacted in the right way by calling for professional help. I know that sometimes it feels like an overreaction, especially if we believe that our partner is being manipulative, but I think in your situation, it was a good decision.

I don't know if you've seen this, but we have a very good discussion on this topic (linked below) with excellent tips on handling this kind of situation:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

It hurts terribly to see someone we care about self-destruct, not to mention the verbal abuse coming your way. How you are holding up emotionally, Pipedreamer?

heartandwhole

[Pretty Woman]

I agree with Patient and Clear. I would always take suicide or talk of it seriously and I think you did the correct, moral thing.

I also agree he expected you to "rescue" him personally hence why he was upset. If he was truly suicidal I don't believe he would be reacting that way.

I am not sure when any of this ceases to be your responsibility anymore... .I would think eventually just calling the police/paramedics STILL lets him know you are listening to him, even if indirectly. How do you go NC when you think someone may actually kill themselves?

It would be great to hear other members comments on this topic, their experiences.

Thank you for posting. I am sorry you are going through this  

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your kind replies.   I really am not sure how I'm ever going to detach completely if he is going to keep me telling me he is about to kill himself.  I'm still not sure if I WANT to detach completely and this is making it so much harder.

I have not heard from him since that day.  I miss him terribly.  I miss him at his best self.  When he was well he was always able to discuss his condition and behaviour and had insight.  When he is drinking that's all gone.

Thank you for suggesting that thread heartandwhole.  It was very helpful but there was one part I struggled with.   * Be willing to listen. Allow expression of feelings.  Accept the feelings.  This is very, very hard if these feelings involve hurtful comments.  I'm not sure how much of those I am meant to accept or what the line is there.

I don't to be a doormat either.   I don't want him to think it's okay for him to talk to me in such a nasty way.  I just want him to be healthy and happy and I'm really sad that he can't be.

[Warcleods]

You don't deal with suicide threats.  Alert his family and the authorities of his verbal intentions and move on.  Imposing suicide threats on other people is the lowest form of manipulation and his desperate attempt to gain control over you.  If he actually is suicidal then it is out of your hands to provide him the help he needs.  Extortion to maintain a relationship is really bad.  As others have stated, report his threats and move on.  You have no control over his emotional state or whatever he decides to do.  He sounds very sick and it is not going to get better by you forcing yourself into a relationship.  Seriously, pipe, you can't hold this nonsense over your head or blame yourself.

[heartandwhole]

Thank you for suggesting that thread heartandwhole.  It was very helpful but there was one part I struggled with.   * Be willing to listen. Allow expression of feelings.  Accept the feelings.  This is very, very hard if these feelings involve hurtful comments.  I'm not sure how much of those I am meant to accept or what the line is there.

I don't to be a doormat either.   I don't want him to think it's okay for him to talk to me in such a nasty way.  I just want him to be healthy and happy and I'm really sad that he can't be.

Hi Pipedreamer,

I think it's important to try to understand the underlying feelings of your partner, in order to have the best relationship that you can. However, accepting that his feelings are what they are doesn't mean that you have to listen to him berate you, put you down, humiliate, yell, etc. No. If he is able to express his emotions in calm and non-threatening way, then it's  possible for you to "hear" him. He if can't, then depending on what your boundaries are around that kind of behavior (e.g., you may walk away if his expression is  abusive), you probably won't be able to listen to what he is trying to say.

I know how hard it is not to take it personally, especially if someone is expressing anger or frustration and pointing the finger at you. I think stating your values/boundaries around this and then following through will help the situation. You'll feel better because you are taking care of yourself, and through his reaction to your boundary, you'll be better able to see the reality of the relationship dynamic.

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

This is really tough stuff. How are you feeling today?  

heartandwhole

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your replies heartandwhole and warcleods.  I'm sort of up and down at the moment.  He did end up messaging me saying that he understood why I did and he was sorry for his behaviour.  The difficult thing with him is he has these great moments of insight.  He says that he broke up with me because he could see that he was hurting me and didn't think I'd ever be able to put myself first.  He has tried lots of ways to improve and for awhile things were looking really good.    He says he feels out of control with his behaviour when he is that emotional.  I asked him not to contact me for two weeks and then we could organize getting some of his stuff back to him. I'm going to see my psychologist tomorrow.  I am actually really excited about it.  I miss him but I think I've moved past the stage where I'll fight for him to come back.  I know that sounds like a small step but at the beginning of it all I was basically crying and begging for him to see reason.  Now I kind of feel like I'm going to be okay.   It's a really nice feeling.  I'm hoping it stays around for a bit  

Thanks for listening   

[heartandwhole]

I miss him but I think I've moved past the stage where I'll fight for him to come back.  I know that sounds like a small step but at the beginning of it all I was basically crying and begging for him to see reason.  Now I kind of feel like I'm going to be okay.   It's a really nice feeling.  I'm hoping it stays around for a bit  

I can understand why that might sound like a small step, but I think it's a huge step. It means something is shifting inside of you. When that happened to me, I was able to begin to change and grow through the devastation.

You are definitely going to be okay. One step at a time... .and when you slide back, you are still ahead because you've already experienced the taste of freedom (and can therefore get it back).   

heartandwhole