Struggling as the holidays approach

[DearHusband]

Hi All,

I am in a long term relationship with my BPD wife. She's a stay at home mom. We have two wonderful children s12 and d10. I can't imagine not seeing them every day, but I also can't imagine living like I am every day either.

She's an absolute perfectionist and has no idea how to motivate anyone other than by using threats or belittlement.
She's condescending and abusive.
If I'm not always thinking of how I can make her life better, it proves I don't care about her. If I don't anticipate her every need, I'm an inconsiderate ass. Or an idiot.
Everything is always my fault, including the behavior of our kids.
She's said that she doesn't want our kids to be happy. She wants them to be responsible - to reflect well on her.
She yells at my daughter during violin lessons when she doesn't get timing right.
She berates my son for drawing negative attention to her (ADHD).
But most of the rage is directed at me.
She's threatened suicide.
She's left multiple times, including once for two weeks after she told my son she never wanted to see him again and decided she needed to remove herself for everyone's benefit.
She's had difficulty holding a job because the managers were always jerks (In her defense, they were, but she quit each time before she had a replacement and now just wants to stay at home).

The issue is that I have made enough mistakes that I wonder if I'm the problem. I talked to my family about her before I found out about BPD. That was the advice of the abuse websites. She found out and now won't see them. She sends me website after website that says you should never dish on your spouse to your family. I've become stoic and unapproachable. My counselor said that it seems very clear what I should do, but I just can't seem to do it. I always wonder if I could just be a little bit better if all of the problems would get better.

[Warcleods]

Hello,

I am sorry you are experiencing this type of behavior in your relationship.  It must be tough and very stressful.

Obviously what I have to say is simply an opinion but some outside objectivity can certainly help gain perspective.

Clearly your wife has some issues.  Her inability to identify, accept, and ultimately work on her problems is causing an upheaval in the entire family structure. It's very easy to blame yourself to explain why she may be acting the way she is, many of us here do the same thing.  She is deflecting some deep pains within herself in an outward fashion. These pains most likely have nothing to do with you but by proximity, you and the kids are an easy target.  At this juncture, you are enabling this behavior and you're also teaching your children on a subconscious level that this type of familial dysfunction is a normal way to live.  Many of us here with children are doing the same things and this is not a conscious effort, just a result of what is really going on.  Unless something is done, your children are very likely to carry this way of life into their personal relationships because it is all they know as being normal when it is anything but.  

You ARE going to make mistakes, you are human and fallible.  Her unreasonable expectation of perfectionism is a huge problem in itself.  She cannot stand the imperfections within herself so she projects her expectations of what she cannot provide herself onto others to fill an impossible void.  Her threats of suicide are desperate attempts to gain control and it is highly manipulative.  If you fear for her safety, then you need to alert the authorities of the threats. I believe that anyone that threatens suicide is at rock bottom and it is a huge cry for help.

Many times, we focus on topical issues and events.  Addressing all of those topics is not possible and they are typically unrelated to the issue itself.  There is a pattern of behavior here that you are not equipped to fix. You can only be supportive to her and suggest that she talk to a professional so she can discover how she really feels inside.  From there, she can start to dissect the facets of her life and some deeply buried insecurities that are causing this type of behavior to manifest towards those she loves the most.  

If she is unwilling to do the hard work on herself, then you need to decide if subjecting your children to this unreasonable behavior is really the best for them long term.
They are at an age where there is still time to show them what normalcy, love and healthy relationships are supposed to look like.

[DearHusband]

Thanks. I think I could handle things if I could distance myself from the hurt that her words and actions cause. The only problem is that when I am able to do that, she doesn't get the reaction she is looking for and then that just makes it worse. She needs to FEEL that I am sorry. And, frequently, I'm not feeling it.

[formflier]

I hope you will make a commitment to try out this forum and some of the ideas here for a few months, and then evaluate how your r/s (relationship) has changed.

Much of what you described is the way my wife was, and in some cases still is.  Heck... there were days I was sure I was the problem... .the crazy one.  

Then I had one of our many counselors suggest I read SWOE (Stop Walking on Eggshells).  I couldn't believe that other people "had my life" as well.  Then I found this site.

Then I learned about boundaries.  After surviving (and I would say thriving) my first extinction burst... .I found hope again.

That was a couple years ago.  While my life is far from what I "want" it is stable and my children are doing much better.  Issues still come up, but I am much better and wisely evaluating where to expend energy... .and where to "put on my raincoat" and just let the thunderstorm pass.

For instance, today I'm going to have an extra session with my P (psychologist... .some people use "P" to indicate Psychiatrist as well) to make sure I am handled boundary enforcement surrounding family devotions as best as I can.  There hasn't been a "blowup" like that in weeks... .perhaps months, where I thought it wise to reach out for a "same day" extra session.  

Basically, I want to make sure I am doing best I can with how I relate to my wife when she gets home from work.  My focus is on my part.  Wife will do what she does.

What do you imagine your life to be like if you went weeks or months in between times when you thought your wife was being unreasonable with you?  (substitute abusive for unreasonable or whatever other word you need.)

Again... , we can help you make your life better.  

FF