Back again. Under bad circumstances once more.

[techguy85]

My wife of 8 years was diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago after she cheated on me for the second time since we had been together. Up until tonight, she had cheated on me once more since then. She had been acting funny about her phone lately and I had my suspicions. I happened upon some messages on her iPad tonight between her and a couple of guys that were talking about meeting up and she had even sent some videos and pictures. We have had a strained relationship lately but things had been looking up lately, or so I thought. Granted, the messages I saw were from a month ago, but I still had that feeling in my stomach.

She was gone at the time so I txt her and told her she needed to come home now. Probably not the best way to approach it but I had been beating myself up trying to wait and couldn't handle it. She denied it but I showed her what I found. She says she never had sex but I don't believe her. Things were pretty calm when I confronted her; I hate to say I'm used to this because I'm not. She cried and I just tried to figure out why and argued with her when she denied anything going on. Our 4yo daughter was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her.

I asked her to get a hotel room for the night so she has left since and I am in a daze. I don't know what to do. I don't want to divorce because we have our daughter. My parents we're divorced and I don't want that for her. I have no one to talk to because my family would completely reject her, as is to be expected in this situation. Her family is aware of the times this has happened but I don't want to bring this down on them again. We have the same group of friends and I don't want to turn them against her. So, here I am, stuck in this situation again that I have no control over.

I have recently started seeing a psychiatrist to get medication to help me with focus and anxiety. I can't help but think that this has all contributed to it. I'm planning to bring this up to him at my next appt so he can get some insight. He is my wife's psychiatrist as well so he knows the history from her side.

I'm not sure what type of help I am asking for here. I'm just stuck and need to get this out there to someone where it won't affect things negatively. I'm open to thoughts, suggestions, criticisms or whatever else anyone has after reading this.

Thank you! I'm looking forward to some help or discussion on this so I can stay positive and get my mind moving again.

[enlighten me]

Hi Techguy

Not that I'm advocating divorce but you need to way up the pros and cons. My ex wife divorced me and in hindsight it was probably the best thing for our sons. I can be me without her influence and raise my sons without all the drama that came with her.

I was seeing another woman after her and we have a son together. I left her due to all the arguments and abuse I received. It was only after that that I came upon BPD and realised that both her and my ex wife where text book BPD. With my exgf I am also glad not to be with her for my sons sake. The arguing and abuse would have taken its toll on him. He would have grown up thinking it the norm. Now he doesn't have to see his mum and dad fight or his mum constantly berating me for things.

Sometimes its not always best for the children to stay in that environment and while being there you can try and smooth things over you wont succeed every time. Eventually it would change you.

[techguy85]

I wanted to add more to this post. So here it is.

When I asked her what the hell happened to cause this again she basically said I had been neglecting her. I understand what she meant to a point, I have been busy at work and I take care of our daughter as soon as I get home until she goes to bed. I give her a bath and get her ready for bed every night while my wife is on her tablet. I'm exhausted at the end of the day and just want to relax and have some quiet alone time. I don't get much time to myself. She does since she doesn't work and our daughter is in school half of the day during weekdays and all day on tuesdays. She doesn't do anything around the house and is usually sitting around doing nothing. I have gotten to the point where I don't bring it up anymore because it just causes a fight and I'm guessing that is what was causing me to be "neglectful" to her. Recently things have been better. I have been on a new medication that helps with my anxiety and I think that has helped a lot as she has mentioned noticing the change. I'm trying. I felt like we were reconnecting again over the last few weeks but now that has all been shattered. I asked her why she hadn't even come to me to tell me she felt like she was slipping again but she just said she though it would start a fight.

I have researched and learned more about BPD since the last time this happened and I understand a lot of the day to day and long term stuff but this seems more like it is another problem altogether. I just don't know where to go from here after everything. I love her, that is for sure. But I don't love being emotionally abused like this to the point that it seems to be tearing at my sanity to where I have to take medication to do my job and be a father/ husband too.

[techguy85]

Thank you, enlighten me.

I'm considering all options at this point. I'm afraid to make the big decisions right now, part of my anxiety issue and it being so soon after everything. I will obviously take care to make the right one but I just don't feel divorce is a good choice right now. I'm not saying that avoiding it is the right choice but the answer will come with time.

She does good with our daughter for the most part. I don't get the feeling that she is always attentive to her when I am at work but I've never seen any signs of problems. That obviously can change as she gets older and gets a bigger mouth as kids are one to do.

[babyducks]

hi techguy,

I am sorry that things are difficult for your family.   I can only imagine the confusion and pain.   

and I am in a daze. I don't know what to do.

You've had quite a shock.    It's natural to be dazed, all of us would be.   What I find helps me is when I am on the receiving end of a bitter blow, and it doesn't really matter what the shock is, is to return to the basics.    As some one put it to me,  to take care of the simple things so that the big things can be handled better later.   Or to say it in another way,   do the next (small) right thing and build on that.

For the short term that means, eating, sleeping and maybe a little exercise.    Take good care of yourself and your little daughter.

When I asked her what the hell happened to cause this again she basically said I had been neglecting her.

You mentioned you have an understanding of BPD?    What I know is that there is no way to over estimate the amount of shame and self loathing a pwBPD experiences.   Embracing responsibility for their actions is hard for a pwBPD because if they admit to a mistake they are a mistake.   The fragile sense of self they live with needs problems to be some one else's fault.  One of the traits of BPD is seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.

I'm afraid to make the big decisions right now, part of my anxiety issue and it being so soon after everything.

That sounds pretty smart to me.   You have the rudiments of a plan in place, talking to your psychiatrist, and considering all options.     

Writing things out here on this forum will help to organize your thoughts.   Sometimes the mere act of putting things down in text helps.   Continue to post.   And continue to read.   There are lots of tools and workshops here.   Some will apply and some won't.   This is a huge website.   Participating here has been a big part of my recovery/story.

Is your wife still at the hotel?   Are there plans for her to come home? and how do you think that will go?

'ducks