Not improving - sinking deeper

[Kelli Cornett]

I've done all the suggested things since being dumped by exBPD girlfriend with the exception of one (checking her FB profile).

Its been 7 weeks NC- I haven't responded to her emails - last one was 10/31
I've been in therapy for 5 weeks
I am now on anti depressants
I do meditations on letting go
I read these boards...

But the pain seems to be increasing rather than lessening... .Even though the memory of her and us is fading... .I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Upon reflection I do see how I was lied to and I'm so angry
I keep obsessing wanting her to contact me again...
I dream about yelling at her and letting her know how much she hurt me but I don't think that would help me either... .

Our relationship was brief - only about 4.5 months and there were signs early on but they are SO much clearer upon reflection than they were at the moment.

I hate that she gets so much of my energy and thought... .I want it done inside of me but it feels inescapable...

I want to know she hurts, I want to know if she thinks of me, I want to know the truth... .  All things I know that I can't know


:-(

[Hisaccount]

Hang in there you are doing great.

I know about sinking deeper, the thing I keep doing it telling myself it wasn't that bad, or I could do better now.
But none of that is true and you know it.
Knowing it doesn't stop the hurt.

anger is a good phase. When I get angry I try to focus on it. She left me. After everything she gave up on me.

There will always be good days and bad days with lots of ups and downs in between.
There is no magic wand, believe me I spend a fortune on ebay trying them all out.
One day at a time.
Find a new tv series to binge watch, one that your ex would hate.

[Julia S]

All of this is very recent. It will take time for you to come to terms with the fact she is not emotionally capable of having a relationship, and that there's nothing you could do. Antidepressants generally take a while to start working.

People here will support you, and reassure you it's horrible but normal to feel the way you do. Do you have friends you can spend time with, or a new hobby you could start?

[Duped 1]

I'm not getting better either. I am 2.5 mos NC after I got drunk twice and lashed out at her and her kids contacted me both times and said to leave her alone. I have SO much guilt about that. I was having a meltdown after finding out she was with someone else immediately after she said that would never happen many times because no one could ever compare to me. Just days before the breakup she said we would be together forever... .

I saw my counselor yesterday and she said this is clearly not normal in regard to the severity of my depression

[JerryRG]

Don't be too hard on yourself, this takes time to work through. We're all doing our best right?

I've been out of the relationship for a little over 1 year, I have good days and bad ones. Keep moving forward and this will get better.

I'm still learning

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey brahmin-

Early in detachment it's about surviving, thriving comes later, and what you're doing now is beginning to grieve the relationship.  When we're still in the relationship, emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness, we can get so caught up in reacting to the chaos that we forget how to feel, or default to not feeling as a survival and defense mechanism.  And after we've been out for a while, like your 7 weeks, the fog can clear a bit and we start to move into our bodies again, start to feel again.  Anger, a desire for retribution, and the seemingly conflicting feeling of obsession are all common and normal at this stage, and the only important things to do are take care of yourself very well, eating, sleeping, a little exercise, go light or not at all on the caffeine and booze, hydrate, and also feel the emotions all the way through, the only way out is through, and you will likely find that the anger will pass, to be replaced by another stage, along with lots of new insights about her, you and the relationship in the grand adventure that is detachment.

FYI, I didn't take my own advice, I stayed drunk for a few months after I left her, not recommended, but it was what it was and I eventually got on the right track.  Also, while you're at it, start to think about your bright future, the life of your dreams that you'll create once you make it through all the processing; it can serve as something to aim for, a beacon, which will help when you get mired in the emotional muck for a while, which will pass.  What does your bright future look like?  Come up with something, just because.

[joeramabeme]

Hey brahmin - 5 weeks is not a long time but you are doing all the right things.  Sometimes going forward means feeling what we buried in the past.  I would bet that you had a lot of unexpressed anger towards her when you were in the r/s. 

For me, after I got through the initial anger phases, I found out that it was ME who I was angry at for abandoning myself when I kept acting in contradiction to the truths I kept perceiving.  I thought it would keep the marriage intact when in fact, it had no impact other than to validate to her that she could 'get away with it'.  Lesson learned - again!

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will gradually feel an improvement begin (not linear) and will reclaim or build the life you are looking to have!

[troisette]

Hi brahmin

Heeltoheal is right, early detachment is about surviving. Day to day. The feelings you describe are what I experienced during early nc. It was so frustrating, I just wanted him out of my head but he stayed there, like an unwanted tenant.

He circled my brain, inhabited my dreams and I felt anger and disbelief because I couldn't get rid of thoughts of him - our relationship, the idealization and his later behaviour. Sometimes I despaired of ever getting my life back and only one friend, who'd had a BPD relationship, understood the depth of my feelings.

It gets better, little by little. Slower than I realised at the time, but we are all different. I'm 15 months nc and almost myself again. Not quite but almost there. The recovery and detachment are not linear, some times you will feel better than at other times. The gradual improvement is sometimes imperceptible, but it happens.

The stages of recovery are similar to a bereavement. Once past the immediate agony it's worth looking inwards to examine why you were vulnerable to a BPD relationship - that is the reward: self discovery.

Good luck and best wishes. 

[lovenature]

You are sinking deeper because you are still looking at "fakebook", it is hurting you more than you would think. If you commit to complete NC, including not responding in ANY way to contact attempts by her, you will be able to see things clearly once you are out long enough; it will be very painful and non-linear, but the way to a better future.

She is hurting, she does think of you; sadly her psychological defences allow her to move on to another attachment without giving you the closure and respect an emotionally mature adult could.