Kicked out by borderline fiancé

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all, this is my first post. I am here because I am in need of knowledge and also because I feel so lonely and misunderstood. Most friends and family, though loving and supportive, do not understand BPD, let alone the pain experienced by non BP's or why I would want to reconcile with my BP fiancé, who recently broke up with me.

I dated my girlfriend for six years and was engaged to her for 3 years, during which time we lived together. Six months into our engagement, I canceled a wedding we had scheduled, due to her first incidence of borderline rage in front of me. While I regret canceling the wedding, I had just begun therapy six months prior to this and was encouraged to focus on myself, which is advice that has paid off psychologically and I would not trade this personal growth anything.

Also, through the advice of my therapist, I had become very disciplined with myself in how I spent my time in and out of the house and in now I communicated with others, including my fiancé. In short, I had never felt more healthy, independent, or successful.

My fiancé and I began couples therapy in November at here request. I had said that I would be eager to participate in therapy with her if she would schedule the first session. She also sees a therapist individually, has completed six months of DBT, and sees a psychiatrist, who has proscribed numerous medications. I had pushed her to seek these other forms of help out of concern for her safety and had come to realize that I needed to stop pushing, hence my agreement to attend therapy with her if she would schedule it, which took her months to accomplish. I was relieved when she scheduled thentherapy and was excited to attend. We had been getting along better than ever and I anticipated being married this coming spring or summer.

Despite this, there were warning signs I had noticed, which morphed into what appears to be severe disassociation being experienced by my fiancé. Prior to beginning couples therapy, her individual therapist went on maternity leave. My fiancé began seeing a less experienced therapist and her emotional state began to deteriorate. She had been zoning out or going blank during conversations. She also received a promotion at work recently and complained of having her first workplace conflict. Also, the holidays are hard for her, as is receiving gifts. Last Christmas Eve she threatened to break up with me, only to make up the next morning. Recently she had a minor car accident, popping the curb at moderate speed, and went to the ER due to head trauma from the airbag deploying. After this, she was given money for a down payment on a car by my parents, which was emotionally complex for her.

As I said, I was eager to begin couples therapy and so proud of my fiancé for following through with an intention, as that is very hard for her. The evening of our third session, she was very late in picking me up to go to therapy together and became enraged when, over the phone, I expressed my feeling confused, worried, and a bit hurt by her behavior. We did not have an actual fight, as I did not yell and mainly used "I statements" in expressing my feelings to her.

That night, I was asked to move out. In the past I had called her bluff in these times. This felt different somehow. I thought a little time apart might be good for us. I had also begun to believe her accusations and offered excessive verbal and written apologies. Three days later, she asked to breakup. I convinced her to hold off and go back to therapy together. We had one more session together, which went very well, though I was inwardly concerned at seeing how see distorted what the therapist said at times. I was cautiously optimistic after this session.

Four days later, in response to my sending her a message encouraging her to attend thanksgiving with me at my family's, she asked to see me at 10:00 pm and broke up with me on the spot, having already packed my things earlier that night.

I am confused because she says that she wants to remain friends. When I asked her what that might look like, she said that she wanted me to keep the keys to her place, which I still have. She also asked me to call her in a month and that she would like to speak face to face then. Until then, which is another two weeks from now, she asked me not to communicate with her in any way. I told her that I would continue to tell her that I love her whenever we spoke and that I would not mention therapy or reconciliation again without a clear sign from her. I've told her that I want to get back together and that the ball is now in her court.

Please share any insights you might have. I am in a lot of pain, fearing that the person I love most may have slipped away forever. Many thanks in advance for all the wisdom and experience you might share.

[Koine1985]

Hello all, this is my first post. I am here because I am in need of knowledge and also because I feel so lonely and misunderstood. Most friends and family, though loving and supportive, do not understand BPD, let alone the pain experienced by non BP's or why I would want to reconcile with my BP fiancé, who recently broke up with me.

I dated my girlfriend for six years and was engaged to her for 3 years, during which time we lived together. Six months into our engagement, I canceled a wedding we had scheduled, due to her first incidence of borderline rage in front of me. While I regret canceling the wedding, I had just begun therapy six months prior to this and was encouraged to focus on myself, which is advice that has paid off psychologically and I would not trade this personal growth anything.

Also, through the advice of my therapist, I had become very disciplined with myself in how I spent my time in and out of the house and in now I communicated with others, including my fiancé. In short, I had never felt more healthy, independent, or successful.

My fiancé and I began couples therapy in November at here request. I had said that I would be eager to participate in therapy with her if she would schedule the first session. She also sees a therapist individually, has completed six months of DBT, and sees a psychiatrist, who has proscribed numerous medications. I had pushed her to seek these other forms of help out of concern for her safety and had come to realize that I needed to stop pushing, hence my agreement to attend therapy with her if she would schedule it, which took her months to accomplish. I was relieved when she scheduled thentherapy and was excited to attend. We had been getting along better than ever and I anticipated being married this coming spring or summer.

Despite this, there were warning signs I had noticed, which morphed into what appears to be severe disassociation being experienced by my fiancé. Prior to beginning couples therapy, her individual therapist went on maternity leave. My fiancé began seeing a less experienced therapist and her emotional state began to deteriorate. She had been zoning out or going blank during conversations. She also received a promotion at work recently and complained of having her first workplace conflict. Also, the holidays are hard for her, as is receiving gifts. Last Christmas Eve she threatened to break up with me, only to make up the next morning. Recently she had a minor car accident, popping the curb at moderate speed, and went to the ER due to head trauma from the airbag deploying. After this, she was given money for a down payment on a car by my parents, which was emotionally complex for her.

As I said, I was eager to begin couples therapy and so proud of my fiancé for following through with an intention, as that is very hard for her. The evening of our third session, she was very late in picking me up to go to therapy together and became enraged when, over the phone, I expressed my feeling confused, worried, and a bit hurt by her behavior. We did not have an actual fight, as I did not yell and mainly used "I statements" in expressing my feelings to her.

That night, I was asked to move out. In the past I had called her bluff in these times. This felt different somehow. I thought a little time apart might be good for us. I had also begun to believe her accusations and offered excessive verbal and written apologies. Three days later, she asked to breakup. I convinced her to hold off and go back to therapy together. We had one more session together, which went very well, though I was inwardly concerned at seeing how see distorted what the therapist said at times. I was cautiously optimistic after this session.

Four days later, in response to my sending her a message encouraging her to attend thanksgiving with me at my family's, she asked to see me at 10:00 pm and broke up with me on the spot, having already packed my things earlier that night.

I am confused because she says that she wants to remain friends. When I asked her what that might look like, she said that she wanted me to keep the keys to her place, which I still have. She also asked me to call her in a month and that she would like to speak face to face then. Until then, which is another two weeks from now, she asked me not to communicate with her in any way. I told her that I would continue to tell her that I love her whenever we spoke and that I would not mention therapy or reconciliation again without a clear sign from her. I've told her that I want to get back together and that the ball is now in her court.

Please share any insights you might have. I am in a lot of pain, fearing that the person I love most may have slipped away forever. Many thanks in advance for all the wisdom and experience you might share.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Skip]

It sounds like you are doing the right things and being a very "stand up" guy. It also sounds like she is personally flooded by the things that have happened. Change in therapists. Joint counseling. The holidays.

The one thing that stands out in your intro is that she wanted you to keep the keys to her house. That is significant. If she was done, you would be pushed much further away than you have been pushed.

Don't panic, now. That will make things worse. Don't doormat yourself or break down, either. She will lose respect for you.

Give her the space she has asked for and give it without guilt or woundedness. Hard I know. Just put yourself in the mindset of "this is an ok thing and to let her sort through it".

All that said, you can't (we can't) know where this is going - most likely she doesn't either. Also, while you can easily do things to make it worse, there is not much you can do to make it better - she has to sort that part out. She may need to feel the loss before she turns around.

It's Christmas. It's a very hard time to go through this.

Keep posting and sharing here. Use your friends here to get through the boatload of emotions you must be feeling.

[Skip]

This article is long  - it might help.
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a118.htm

[Koine1985]

Thank you, this is all very helpful and encouraging. I'm grateful that this online community exists.

Judging from the article, on the one hand it looks like she may be experiencing a lot of the turmoil of stage four and on the other hand, she may not be that far along, since she is suppressing a lot. For example, she has told me that I am the only one who knows that she was sexually molested(groped) one time in childhood. She says that she has not told her therapist, friends, etc., while I have known about this since before we were engaged.

I'll receive some more advice, if you're willing to give it. As I said in my initial post, her and I agreed to talk a month out from the break up and when I got my boxes from her, she said that I could come by at that time to take back a dish that she'd forgotten to pack. I'll reiterate to you that I've put the ball in her court, telling her that I will not initiate any talk of getting back together without a clear sign from her that she would like to talk about this and that i will nonetheless continue to tell her that I love her.

My question is, since she finds it hard to verbalize her feelings and desires effectively, what would you say that I should be looking for in terms of signs as things unfold in the coming weeks and months?

Understand that I know it is my job to keep realistic expectations and do not want to sound as though I believe that things will magically change over night. I know that getting back together is an if and not a when. I am merely interested in better understanding what a realistic expectation of her in terms of communication, one way or the other, should be. I've too often been expected to read her mind and have also made the mistake at times of being too passive, so as to avoid triggering her.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Many thanks