It's true every dynamic between us is a power struggle. Love, communication, sex, and especially break ups. She always needs her idea of the most power.
I went through the same with my ex. It was especially devastating because everything was just the opposite in the beginning -- love, communication, sex all felt so open, so giving, so without any demands made on one another. Just pure joy at being able to share all of ourselves so easily. That's the beautiful idealization phase that I remember. I don't think of it as a "lie" so much as a fantasy that we couldn't sustain. It's hard to keep all the hurt and anger that came later from tainting everything. I think with sufficient time (which could mean several years), I'll remember the good for what it was and appreciate the intensity of that connection. The more I detach, the more I see that as realistic. But that's the hard part -- in order to appreciate the good times as genuinely good, I have to let go of the relationship and of any hope/desire of reconciling. I need that emotional distance, but it's a very hard process of letting go bit by bit.
Maybe in her mind I had too much power when I left, so she had to ignore me and then treat me badly so she could take it back? It sounds so crazy though.
It does sound crazy if the aim is to work through a difficult patch of a relationship. But if your ex is dealing with intense inner pain and turmoil and feels the need to vent that at you, to blame you and feel justified in doing so, then it makes sense. One of the most confusing things in a relationship like this is that a partner might say they accept fault for something, but act as if you're to blame. You end up walking on eggshells and seeming to do all the work of soothing things over, even though your partner has said (in words, not actions) that you weren't to blame.
I think it's something to do with my ego or pride or self perception, but I'm not exactly sure what? Maybe I can't let myself believe I was this stupid and I gave two years of my life to a person who doesn't understand what normal emotions and love even are. It makes it so fictitious and fake.
This could be a crucial insight in pulling yourself out of this. I felt something similar -- I couldn't accept that my ex and I had been so madly in love and wouldn't at least try to leave things on friendly terms, with the possibility of sharing happy memories of it all once the dust had settled. How could she become so cold? I just knew that wasn't what she really felt inside, so I became determined to connect with those "real feelings" she was holding in. And, to be honest, I know our relationship affected her deeply and that she was hurting a lot inside. Every time I tried to finally let it go, she would pull me back in in her own way, with her own big gestures and desperation. But somehow she seemed to know/believe that the key to keeping this dynamic going was to hide her innermost feelings, never talk openly the way she did early in our relationship ... .because that way I would keep coming back to try to get her to open up and be emotionally intimate again. It was all power struggle, and eventually I had to let that go. Very painful feeling. By far the deepest emotional cut I've felt in my life. At some point, though, I just knew it was the only way forward for me.
I feel sad that I could have found someone who did love me maybe marry and have a family with during this time I was going back and forth with her. Nobody, but especially nobody like me, can admit a failure of that magnitude without it just wrecking me. I guess I can't accept it due to my own flaws not so much her and her BPD issues. I need a forum for that! Haha. Thanks for your reply as always very helpful!
That is this forum!
It's great that you're already able to turn some of your focus and questioning on yourself. If detaching is your ultimate goal, the only way there is through your own thoughts and feelings. And, as I said about my own experience, I think we sufficient time and distance, you'll begin to have a clearer sense of how much was real for her and it might still hurt to think of all the might have been without the BPD dynamics. But once you've taken enough time to work through your own emotions and recover, the pain won't be so raw or overwhelming.
In the meantime, take care of yourself and stay healthy
