I'm LOST and Need HelP ...

[LostHusband76]

I love my wife, but after years of lies, betrayals, affairs, malicious fictitious stories about me, physical, mental, and emotional  abuse towards me and our 5 yo son compounded by light shed by recent revelations, I am completely lost and questioning my sanity, decisions, and desperately need advice and guidance.  Since I don't really know where to start, I'll start from the beginning.
I met my wife 6.5 years ago. We hit it off instantly, were smitten with each other, and had found our soul mates, or so I thought. It was a hot fiery romance from the start and things seemed great.  We were in love and we moved in together then got a house together 8 months later. Things appeared to be perfect for a while, we got engaged, and I had no reason to be suspicious and not trust her. We were the perfect couple. Then, in summer 2011, she began to get abusive, drank more, and started to act erratically, flirting with other men in front of me, lost a job, and would make ridiculous accusations and twist everything I said and did. She started to get very ill, withdraw, and the other behaviors stopped as she got sicker.  Finally, I had to force her to go to the ER. I expected her to need an appendectomy, but, it turns out that she was pregnant, didn't know it, suffering from preeclampsia compounded by HELLP syndrome, and had to have an emergency C-section or she and the baby would die; they both flatlined but were resuscitated.  I chalked her earlier behavior up to being sick, and My Miracle munchkin was born at 25 weeks and weighed 1 lb 10 oz and would spend 4.5 terrifying months in the NICU.
While in recovery, she said that I'd ruined her life and wished she'd had an abortion.  I was in crisis mode and thought these and other statements were due to the surgery, stress, and post pardon depression and tried to let it go.  When he came home, it was tough, and I made excuses for her aggression and refusal to hook up the monitors and feeding equipment for him, berating me and abusing me. Nothing was good enough, and financially strapped with a huge hospital bill, I took on a second job.  She continued to act more and more erratically and everything was my fault; I worked to much, didn't work enough, I didn't help, I helped to much, and the wild accusations and fictitious accounts would fly along with pots, vases, and other objects; I was told to be the adult and let it slide because of the stress we were all under.
I would let her go out with the girls, gym and I would watch the baby to give her a break.  Just to have her come home drunk and find ways to make me feel awful about everything; I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.  This continued, as did the lies and accusations she made to family and friends; eventually I was isolated and told that I couldn't go out with her and our friends because they all hated me, so I started to drink, which didn't go over well.
We went to marriage counseling for a year, which focused on my drinking and she would deflect or shut down when we tried to address her behavior. This went on for about a year, and then I found out about 2 affairs.  She was quick to blame it on me and drinking, said that it would never happen again, and having already almost lost her and my son, I accepted it and got sober. It didn't help the situation, but clarity helped me to see things clearly. 
We continued counseling, she continued to sext, and lie to me and the counselor even when confronted with irrefutable evidence. When trying to set boundaries at home or confronting her, she'd freak out, grab our son and disappear, sometimes for days.  Instead of taking responsibility and apologizing, she'd tell people I abused her and took her meds to discredit me, would get emotionally and physically abusive, drink and hide bottles and drugs all over the house and project her issues on me.  I was finally getting g to my wits end and was starting to fear for me and my sons safety.
Then this summer, I found more incriminating evidence, but couldn't prove anything.  We started to go on more dates, trips, etc.  we took lovely pictures for memories; I thought things were finally going well.  I was way wrong, and the illusion was about to be shattered.
The week before my sons 5th birthday this past September, my wife and her mother took our son to church and I stayed home to do stuff around the house.  Then, her iPad pinged and there was a naked picture of a guy sexting her and wanting to hook up again.  I opened Pandora's box by going through all of her online and bank accounts. I was floored!  She had been spending copious amounts of money on alcohol and drugs, doing porn movies and shoots, soliciting sex on Craigslist, and having numerous affairs with strangers from a dozen adult dating and cheating sites while our son was at school or while she was supposed to be at the gym.  I was crushed and felt so betrayed. We had a family meeting with my parents and her mom, who acted like an ostrich with its head in the same so she wouldn't have to hear and accept the truth, and went to a new counselor to assess the situation, I was holding off on filing for divorce because of my sons birthday and birthday party; I was living the Springer show.  The week after the party was hell.  She was telling me and the therapist she needed help, wanted to save our family and that she wouldn't contact any men and understood I'd divorce her.
Her behavior got worse; she wouldn't leave, admit she did anything wrong, was violent and verbally abusive towards me and our son, and every time I tried to take him to my parents to diffuse the situation she'd start screaming and start calling the cops while punching herself to frame me.  My son was terrified. That Friday, I found another sext and guys phone number hidden with another contact while we were out.  I said it was time to go home, but instead I went to her mom's. she freaked, acted like she was having a panic attack, and grabbed the steering wheel and almost drove us into the divider on the interstate.  I finally dropped her off.  That Monday, I took out a TRO and filed for at fault divorce.
That made her go nuts.  She broke into the house, tried to plant evidence to make me look like a bad dad, planted spoiled food in his lunchbox (she works at the school), tried to run me over, and has tried to get me fired by making all kinds of crazy accusations. She says that she's doing this for our son, but it's really her trying to use him as leverage to get what she wants to satisfy her selfish desires.  Needless to say, I have been beyond hurt and crushed.  Furthermore, I couldn't understand why she'd do this to our son, family, and her loyal loving husband that has fought and changed to save his family over and over agin just to be irrevocably hurt.  I am flawed, but damn I've changed and tried to be a better person. 
Oddly enough, I was confident in my actions and could live with it until I talked to her grandmother Thanksgiving.  She made a revelation that completely Jedi mind f@$&ed me.  She let it slip that my wife had been diagnosed with BPD, had a history of alcohol and drug abuse, risky sex, porn etc.  That her mother did everything for her, ,made excuses, and took her to a doctor who prescribed a pill for every problem instead of addressing the disorder, and her BPD was the cause of much of the estrangement in her family.  Then, she said that me and our son were the best thing that had ever happened to her grand daughter, and that with my help, she could get well and be the person   I love.  That pushed me over the edge because the people that were supposed to love me and welcomed me had hidden this from me, refused to help me get her treatment, and passed the problem off on me instead of dealing with it and helping me to.
Now, I'm questioning everything.  I'm told that it's like cancer, a brain tumor, in that that's why she does these things and if I help her, she'll get well.  She'll change. Things won't be toxic. I hate her and I love her; I cut the rope in order to save me and my son. I know that you can't control people or make them change from personal experience; they have to truly want it and gain the capacity to be truly honest which usually comes from hitting rock bottom.  She has not shown a willingness, want, or need to change. She hasn't truly acknowledged having BPD or a willingness to change which is demonstrated by the P.I.s report detailing that she's still engaging in reckless sexual conduct and drinking after telling me she wants to reconcile, not responding to settlement offers or document productions.  Everything that I've read says she won't change without therapy but I can't force her.  Now, it appear She focused on making all of us miserable, a,d I've spent a fortune just to get 50/50 custody.
Knowing she's BPD shouldn't change anything, but it has for some weird tortuous reason.  I'm questioning everything and hurting worse than ever.  Do I reconcile? Do I run with my son and never look back.?  Does through sickness and in health from my vows apply here? WTF do I do?  I AM LOST AND SCARED.  If anyone can provide guidance, I would really appreciate it because I'm really afraid I'm going to break and my son will grow up to be a selfish dysfunctional horrid toxic person that burns everything down around him like his mother is if I make the wrong decision. Please help!

[livednlearned]

Hi LostHusband76,

My heart goes out to you. It takes tremendous strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD loved one. And on top of the BPD behaviors, it sounds like your wife's family betrayed you -- a double injury.

Do you already have 50/50 custody? How much time does your child spend with his mother?

This is the divorce board, so most of the people here turned the corner, no looking back. You may want to post on Deciding/Conflicted as well to see what comes back.

Your wife sounds like she is more than BPD -- she may be a high conflict person (HCP). Bill Eddy describes someone who is HCP as having a personality disorder, a target of blame (you), and someone who is a persuasive blamer. Not all people with BPD are HCPs, but all HCPs have a PD. A high conflict person is willing to use everything at their disposal to harm you if it means deflecting attention from their own abusive behaviors. Some people with BPD are actually cooperative and not dangerous. Some are not cooperative, and not dangerous. People who are not cooperative and dangerous (like filing false allegations, having unprotected cheater sex, driving while intoxicated, etc.) demand a titanium backbone and watertight boundaries from us.

In terms of helping her, the person who poses the biggest obstacle might be her mother, who sounds all too willing to enable her daughter. That means any boundaries or structure or control you introduce to the relationship, the mother will undo in a heartbeat to avoid watching her daughter experience consequences for her behaviors. You then become the persecutor, which keeps mom in the rescuer role, and daughter in the victim role (known as the Karpman drama triangle).

A lot of us have been in your situation, torn about what to do for our kids. It's possible to raise an emotionally resilient child when one parent has BPD. To do that, you have to be emotionally strong. And that means having stronger boundaries than you've ever had -- you have to model for your son what it means to stand up to raging, abuse, bullying, betrayal, so that he does not repeat the emotional injuries he is absorbing. It might mean calling the police on her when you suspect she is driving drunk. It might mean having no Internet service at your home so she cannot sext and participate in porn under your roof. Or not allowing her to drive with your son in the car.

Raising an emotionally resilient child means modeling what it looks like to take care of yourself, and treat yourself with respect. Having compassion for someone who is abusive and communicating with them in a firm, gentle, validating way, while shoring up the fort to prevent any breaches in security -- that's kinda what we are faced with for our kids to learn healthy ways of dealing with high conflict in intimate relationships.

People with BPD are in control of their pain. It is much easier to demean herself and prove she is unworthy than it is to stand and accept she is loved, and take the risky position that she loves herself. The same is true for us. When you allow her to treat you badly, it only confirms for her that she is out of control, that no one can protect themselves from her abusive behaviors.

She treated you terribly, and she knows it. She got away with a lot, and you finally drew a line in the sand and showed her a boundary. Now you are someone who has shown you will protect yourself from her, and you might be the first person. If you go back into the relationship, you make what was ostensibly a real boundary look flimsy. I'm not saying go or stay, only that in BPD terms, she sees that even the strongest boundary is not.

It's a terrible disorder and I'm so sorry she is afflicted, and that you and your son are left to pick up the pieces.

Lesson 5 on the Coparenting board has good material for raising an emotionally resilient child. Bill Eddy's book Raising an Emotionally Resilient Child is the one that made me realize that the person I needed to save was myself so that I could model for my son how we deal with ourselves and others. You may find it is easier to do that living separately from his mom. Some people figure out ways to do it in the home, but often certain conditions must be met, like commitment to ongoing treatment.

Whatever you decide, we are here to walk with you and keep you company.

 

LnL

[ForeverDad]

it turns out that she was pregnant, didn't know it, suffering from preeclampsia compounded by HELLP syndrome, and had to have an emergency C-section or she and the baby would die; they both flatlined but were resuscitated.

I faced something similar, though not so extreme.  I found out I had a cancerous mole when my Ex got pregnant.  Then baby was considered higher risk for spina bifida.  He was fine.  Giving birth, they had trouble giving the spinal anesthesia to her and she felt she was dying.  Heartbeat monitoring kept failing during birth so they halted and did Cesarean, so she felt he died too.  All that was a triple whammy in her perception - me, her, baby - she was never quite the same afterward.  Chose our son over me, he was to be loved, I was thus to be rejected and suspected.

I wanted a baby hoping it would make her happier but instead it made everything more complicated and stressful for all.

Then, she said that me and our son were the best thing that had ever happened to her grand daughter, and that with my help, she could get well and be the person I love.

For this small piece, I would offer that you can't 'fix' your spouse.  You've tried for years and didn't succeed.  Rather, she needs to work on herself.  She can't fix you and you can't fix her.  Yes, you can support, if accepted, but making her recovery happen is not your obligation.  Very likely it's a case of you having had a close relationship with her where her emotional baggage of the close history of the relationship blocks any efforts you would make.

She was dysfunctional before you ever met.  Sadly, you can't fix her.  So while you wouldn't block or hinder her recovery, if that ever happens, the priority now is to safeguard yourself and your child.