having a hard time communicating with my BPD daughter 19 years old

[twix]

HI Everyone, I am new here, this is my first post. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar at age 8 and then recently diagnosed as BPD this year. She also suffers from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. she is away at college so our only communcation is over the phone.  I have  really hard time communicating with her and it always ends up with her telling me I am not giving her what she needs and she hangs up on me. I try and be empathetic and kind, but it does not seem to be working. I am at such a loss on how to communicate with her effectively. yesterday she told me that it was a waste of time for her to call me anymore because i was not helping her. It is breaking my heart  and I feel like such a failure as a parent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Twix:

I'm so sorry you are having problems communicating with your daughter.  Validation can be a good tool (minimally, don't invalidate).  There are several communication techniques that can help make things better when you communicate with your daughter.

Click on the links (words) below to get to some articles/tutorials for various skills to try.  I don't want to overwhelm you, so just take it a subject at a time.  It can be helpful to bookmark each link, so that you can get back to it easily. 

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

SET

WISE MIND

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

Validation and SET might be good strategy to try for your next conversation with your daughter.  Read them and let us know what you think.  Perhaps you can reflect on your recent conversation with your daughter.  Would you have said something differently, if you tired these skills?

[livednlearned]

Hi Twix,

Welcome and hello 

Communicating with someone who has BPD is not intuitive, it takes some special communication skills.

Do you feel comfortable sharing an example of how a typical conversation might go? Sometimes it really does come down to how things are phrased.

Does she accept she has BPD? Is she open to getting treatment?

My SO's D19 was diagnosed bipolar with psychotic depression at 16. She meets most of the criteria for BPD, and I suspect they were of the mindset that she had to be 18 to diagnose. She is also away at college. How is your daughter managing? What are her strengths? How do her BPD symptoms manifest?

Glad you found the site. We're here to walk with you 

LnL

[twix]

Most of our conversations start with her calling me crying because something has upset her or did not go her way. It is really hard to understand her when she is crying and talking at the same time and she gets upset with me when I have to ask her to repeat herself and then she hangs up on me because she is upset. Our conversations are not usually very constructive. She has been going to therapy for about 2 1/2 months. I don't think she has accepted that she is BPD. she had to take a leave of absence from school this last quarter because it was too overwhelming for her. She has been able to work, which is great because she loves her job. She is a caring, loving person. Her biggest challenge is handling her anxiety and her anger.

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Twix, welcome to BPD Fam.  I think many of us have received the hysterical calls, at least I've had my share.  My D16 and I have actually had a conversation about what she needs from me in these instances and I thank her for her insight. It was helpful and basically she just needs a mom to listen and provide reassurance (this too shall pass).

Here is what I do:  First, I remind her to calm down, take a few very deep breaths (cause its annoying to them when we ask them to repeat themselves and stressful for us because we literally can't understand them), then I ask her if she is hurt? safe?  ok, that's good and proceed slowly with soft probing questions, what caused you to be upset?  Ok, what do you think will help? hmmm, what about if you try xyz... .etc. I end with hey, you got this (little boost of confidence).

It is great that your D is able to work and she enjoys it. Is she prescribed any meds for anxiety / anger (mood swings)?  I have a D away at college and the school provides social work counseling. Is this something she does or would be willing to try?  She could learn some coping techniques and forge a relationship with a counselor to take some of it off of you.