32 year old daughter is breaking our hearts

[Blessing]

Last week our beautiful 32 year old daughter was told by a psychiatrist that he thought the first time he saw her, that her diagnosis is BPD. She has seen another very trusted therapist for years, who from across the US has seemed to tell her all the things that are wrong with our family. Our daughter denies that she has it. She says it's PTSD from a relationship she was in from 14-16 years old-that we never talked and never protected her. Our relationship has been a roller coaster since she was 14. Suddenly after all my research, a light bulb has gone off and we truly believe she is BPD. How could her therapist not know how dysfunctional she has been!  We have severely affected our retirement by supporting her out of fear of what would happen, always hoping that the right meds, a loving relationship would help. Well the buck has stopped and we fear that she will go off the deep end and not be able to survive without our financial assistance. She is estranged from our son and his wife and their 3 year old, because she started crazily screaming at them in a car when the baby was 1 and they have chosen not to trust her anymore. She is severely depressed because she has never even seen their 8 month old, and misses the 3 year old whom she loved. We are heartbroken because we no longer have our family that we loved so much, even though all those years that she now says were flawed on every account. Our son is just fed up with all of her accusations.  I don't see any hope of her getting better because she is in denial-unless she gets the right treatment, and I wonder if she will attempt suicide with her financial problems. This therapist hasn't helped her in 3 years, so I am going through work, to find someone who specializes in BPD to help her father and I.  I'm sorry this is so rambling, but it has already helped to come here and make a start to get support. To see how much pain everyone goes through is heartbreaking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

 

Hello Blessing, and welcome to the family.  You have found the right place!  Here you will find people who are going through, or have been through the exact problems you are facing.  I found it helpful to know I was not alone in my journey.  Check out some stories that others have shared, and you will see that you indeed are not alone. 
To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that you may find of help!
You make note of the boundary you and your husband have made in regards to finances.  Boundaries are helpful in protecting ourselves, both financially and emotionally.  Take a look at the part on the right about communicating boundaries and limits.
I also found it very therapeutic to share here, and I learned the more I shared the more I got in return. 
We look forward to hearing more.   

[Blessing]

Thanks for your kind words. I am contacting a therapist for my husband and I to talk to. But how do you talk to an adult child who is deep in despair one day, and the next sends a text full of loving words, saying that she is doing better than ever trying to become what she knows she can be and couldn't do it without your love and support? How do you help them realize that they need a special kind of help-because if she doesn't recognize what she's dealing with, how will she recover?

[drained1996]

How do you help them realize that they need a special kind of help-because if she doesn't recognize what she's dealing with, how will she recover?

That's a question for a professional therapist... .a good one with knowledge and experience with personality disorders should be able to help guide you in handling that in the best light.  On that note, a therapist who will share that diagnosis in one visit... .would not be my choice personally... .even if it is a proper diagnosis.  In defense of any therapist though, they are only as good as the information that they are given... .I'm guessing you have been on the receiving end of plenty of bad information in this journey... .correct?

But how do you talk to an adult child who is deep in despair one day, and the next sends a text full of loving words, saying that she is doing better than ever trying to become what she knows she can be and couldn't do it without your love and support?

That's something you can begin to learn here and in therapy.  The tools and lessons are a great start.  A good therapist with PD experience will also be able to guide you in dealing with these up and down scenarios.  Reading others stories and seeing what they have faced, and the support and suggestions they have received can help as well.
Mostly it comes down to us, and how we react/communicate when faced with the difficult situations.  We cannot change them, but we can learn how to better handle the tough situations... .and even guide them along the way when we learn to control our own reactions.  Knowledge about the illness is a huge help, and  you can find plenty of that here.  Keep posting!  We are here!  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Blessing,

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it must be very stressful for you and your daughter.

PTSD and BPD are frequently miss diagnosed and mixed up. So in my country the diagnosis must come from an appropriately qualified psychiatrist. Both can be co-morbid.  A key difference is empathy. Someone with BPD may be able to fain this, but essential will lack empathy. Someone with PTSD not so, but it may not be well developed.  ADHD is another that has overlapping symptoms to these two. Sometime someone will be labelled PTSD due to the stigma of BPD. But it is important to diagnose, because different treatment are uses for both. A therapist typically would not diagnose (in my country), but may give an opinion and may work with the psychiatrist on this.
 
However, regardless of diagnosis and before diagnosis the best thing you can do is  treat the symptoms and not the label(s). Also past behaviour may well be the best indication of future behaviour. Both these illnesses will create anxiety and fear. So the following link gives communication tools that should help regardless of if it is  PTSD or BPD:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

If it is PTSD then try and find what triggers your daughter.  PTSD typically comes when someone believed they were in grave danger. If the danger lasted a long time, then it maybe complex PTSD. Which is what I have. So if it was due to the relationship between 14-16 her triggers will relate to what made her fearful in the first place. Best of luck and I hope this helps. 

[HappyChappy]

Thanks for your kind words. I am contacting a therapist for my husband and I to talk to. But how do you talk to an adult child who is deep in despair one day, and the next sends a text full of loving words

If it is PTSD, then there are some very effective mood stabilisers around, one that has been used for over 50 years, so well understood. So again I would encourage your daughter to go to the Dr to explore that.

[carpuser]

Dear Blessing
I'm not an expert, but encourage you to read as much as possible about other peoples experiences on these forums, and also to read the book "Stop walking on eggshells".

Also, I have an opinion on what you mentioned about your son. Without knowing your family, I would imagine that he has had to endure quite a bit, and possibly had your attention diverted away from him, as your daughter has forced you to focus on her. He has no obligation to be in contact with his sister, and it is important that you do not make him feel like he does.

[Lollypop]

Hi there blessing

Welcome to the forum,

The more I read and learn using the tools on the top right hand side of this page, also from recommended reading the more I understood the challenges and limitations of my adult BPDs who is 26.  He has had very real problems with financial management skills.  We spent our lives trying to "help", bailing him out, providing opportunities and eventually paying him a pretend inheritance to get him to leave our home.  We'd given up all hope of him ever changing.

Our son got diagnosed in sept 15 following a crisis.  It didn't cone as a surprise as we've always known there was something not right but drugs complicated his teenage and adult behaviours.  He does not seek treatment and we wait patiently for him to accept this ultimate responsibility fir himself.

We learnt a hard lesson.  For our BPDs to behave like an adult then he needed to be treated as one.  I've learnt a better way of communicating with our BPDs and things have really improved in the last 12 months.  

There is hope. It takes a lot of hard work, persistence and consistency.  We've changed our approach - that's all we've done!  Our BPDs has then reacted positively to this change.  this forum has been our life saver.

My advice is learn as much as you can about BPD, practise validation and learn how to not "fix" as they need to learn themselves the skills they need.  By doing things for my BPDs I prevented his development. 

I totally understand your fears.  Debts are a big problem and I understand that they came be very overwhelming.  Is your daughter living close to you?  Is she able to work?  Is she at risk of losing her home?

I look forward to reading your posts.

[GinaByTheC]

 

welcome. So sad to hear your story. BUT it is like so many stories you read here. We are not alone. We share a common story. I would say age 13 or 14 was a key time for our daughter. Where previously it was so hard to talk to extended family and friends about our plight, it is a safer place To do it here in this forum.

As a relative newby, I am enlightened but also saddened to read all the many stories here. It is comforting that there is a type of person who has BPD, as for in my case, I thought my 26 YO daughter with BPD was unique with her plight,and I thought that we were the only family whose integrity was being destroyed by this disease.

Your son may have missed out on attention while your daughter consumed a lot of your time. He is probably protecting himself. I too have other non BPD children who have grown up with this BPD person who consumed multiple family hours and days regarding their issues, and the family missed out. So many occasions spoilt because of dwBPD having a meltdown. My non BPD children cope as best they can.

The mental health act is protective of people 16 years and up, so that we cannot communicate with the psychiatrist or psychologist (except to pay the fees). We ave been to several family case conferences where medical people are present.
But I don't always find the conferences beneficial, as everyone "holds back".

I look forward to hearing your story as it evolves. I am more comfortable to share our story too.

[borderlinebunny]

Last week our beautiful 32 year old daughter was told by a psychiatrist that he thought the first time he saw her, that her diagnosis is BPD. She has seen another very trusted therapist for years, who from across the US has seemed to tell her all the things that are wrong with our family. Our daughter denies that she has it. She says it's PTSD from a relationship she was in from 14-16 years old-that we never talked and never protected her.

There are a lot of similarities between PTSD and BPD, and both can be caused by similar things, and so her insistence on PTSD as her real diagnosis may not be entirely incorrect; PTSD and BPD also can occur together.

My honest feeling on this is that the relationship that she feels resulted in PTSD should absolutely be looked into further as it's clearly extremely troubling to her and could be resulting in her behavior, and that those intense feelings she has from that relationship validated in order for her to feel listened to and cared for.

She may feel (as so many of us diagnosed BPD do!) that by others around her insisting on her having BPD, or her being diagnosed with BPD, is basically a way of being told that she is "wrong", or even like being told that she is a bad person and that her past, or her pain are deemed invalid. A feeling of invalidation could easily cause a further escalation in her lower-functioning behavior, rather than improvement, whether it's the correct diagnosis or not.