Thoughts welcome- domestic violence and BPD

[MB]

Hi,
I just joined, and I am in the place that I imagine others have been... .just got off the phone with a parent who I suspect has BPD traits. The conversation went south quickly, and I resorted to staying up late and rereading about BPD traits to ease my mind.
To sum up, very quickly because I am tired and drained, my mother felt unsupported as a child/adolescent and overlooked. She also was in a very religious family. She got pregnant out of wedlock with me many years ago, and married my dad out of obligation to do the right thing. He was very mentally, physically and verbally abusive to us  both. I got out at age 18, my mother stayed felt stuck and abandoned by me. ( it was always us against the world, I became her word and safety--- I also believed her because I lived through it with her) the family views her as the black sheep, she never made "the mark" in life. She often tells me she is a stranger to herself and family, outcast to everyone around her. She is crys at least 3-4 times a month becAuse life is unbearable and she can't trust her own family and she has no trust worthy friends. She is not at risk for sucicide, or self harm, thankfully. Those methods are against her religion. However, my heart hurts because she can no longer hold down a job, relationship of any kind ( including ours) and she actually is alone and isolated. I am not clear on how she was as an adolescent, but my question is... .could the BPD traits come from the extreme abuse from my dad? They divorced about 10 years ago, she progressively got worse. She believes that she and i and my brother did encounter abuse, but she feels God has healed her and no treatment is needed. Meanwhile... .she is in a deep dark emotional spiral down or up daily, and I am up at 2 am questioning my sanity because she completely drained me in one 20 minute conversation which was only about her and her disparity. Forgive me if this is choppy, just curious if 20+ years of untreated trauma could manifest into BPD. Thank you... .and yes... I understand there is no easy answer or quick fix to this question/family dynamic. 

[drained1996]

Hi MB,



You pose a good question, one that really can only be answered by a qualified therapist who would be able to see you mom.  We tend to focus on the traits that are exhibited... .and if they exist... .no matter a diagnosis... .we still have to deal with them... .correct?
Note my username, you hit the nail on the head with the way I felt when I joined here.  Having a loved one with traits of  BPD can mentally, emotionally and even physically drain the most patient person. 
One thing many here have learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  If you will look at the top of any page you will see a tools drop down, there you will find some very helpful information you may use to help better your situation.  Also, to the right of this page there are some lessons and a guide you will find useful to look over when you get a chance.
You have found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings, or questions anytime.  We are here.   

[Notwendy]

Hi and welcome to these boards.

The causes of BPD are not really clear. I think it is a combination of genetics and environment, but the exact combination probably varies. It is also a spectrum disorder. I think looking over this board that there are cases of children with BPD born to loving parents, as well as abusive parents. Then there are children of parents with BPD who do not have BPD.

Being a recipient of abuse can cause all kinds of psychological damage, especially over a long period of time. I think this can happen when it occurs with adults and with children. One thing to consider is your mother's age at the time she married. She was barely not a child herself. So I would think ( and this is an unprofessional opinion) that this kind of thing- a first love - as a teen that was a long abusive marriage would have an impact on her.

The topic for you is that- you care about her, but you are not responsible for her situation. If she refuses help- then there isn't much you can do. If you felt at any time that she was in danger or a danger to herself, then she would need professional help- and you can call them if you feel it is necessary.

I think it would help you to seek out support - therapy, posting here, and take steps to take care of you. As they say on an airplane- put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. Taking care of you is a first and important step.

[Janneke]

I'm pretty new here too. I just wanted to say HI and that there is a lot of good information here.