Its not my job to soothe my ex

[Moselle]

My ex is flipping her lid, at the prospect of giving the children to me for Christmas and new year.

Literally, going ape. Threats, abuse, silent treatment, Getting the children to say they dont want to come.

It's not my job to reassure her, and constantly tell her its going to be OK. I dont want to. I gave that up when we got divorced. Now I have a court order. If she disobeys she goes to jail. Simple

I don't want anything to do with her. What is my responsibility to SET, validate, reassure my ex?

[Turkish]

Given the history here,  this is no surprise.  First Christmas,  too  (she gets them next year,  right?).

She should get BIFF.  Save the validation tools (and your energy) for the kids.  How are they handling this,  and what's the plan regarding contact during the holidays,  like it's a daily phone call required?

[Moselle]

Thanks Turkish.

The kids have gone silent on me too, she has co-opted them into her way of doing things to get back at dad "for all the bad things he has done to me". Silent treatment, anger, isolation, invalidation etc. She has them spying on me and reporting back to her. Its not pretty.

I was supposed to have them last year for Christmas but she flew 2000km away with them the day before I was supposed to pick them up. So they are mine for Christmas and new Year in 2016 and 2017, according to the divorce doc. She has them again in 2018.

Contact with her and children is not to happen (subject to good behaviour) during my time with the children,  because she starts fighting through them. Again it gets ugly.

I will do my best help the girls to settle down. Assuming she doesn't pull a Houdini again this year. She has indicated she will, and I had the police phone her to tell her that they will put out a warrent of arrest if she does it again. The husband also knows I sent him and her father an sms to ask them to ensure there is no drama.

Today at 5pm is big moment, does she wig out, or comply with the divorce agreement. I dont know which she will do. I'm not allowing myself to get excited yet. Last year was such a heartbreak.

The girls and I did really well 2 weeks ago. We talked about all the different feelings we can have. We had a fun time identifying all the variations of love, happy, fear, anger, sad we can have and that those feelings are completely valid. I've realised if they are given a chance to express how they feel early on, they get the stress out and feel better about things. We'll do the same this week, and start to plan all the different things they would like to do during the next three weeks.

We're going away with their cousins too so it will take a bit of pressure off.

Turkish, I read that article, but I couldnt find a reference to BIFF. What does it stand for?

How is yours behaving now? Has everything with the husband calmed down?

[Turkish]

I don't know how I messed up the link.  Try this:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0#top

Brief, Informative, Friendly. Firm.

[enlighten me]

I have children with both my uBPD exs. My ex wife is on the war path at the moment but that doesn't affect me as my sons live with me. Things are drama free with my exgf.

I know its not my job to appease my exs but life can be made so much easier. A few words of encouragement can go a long way to smoothing things out. You don't have to bend over backwards but the occasional gesture helps. A new pair of shoes that the kids take home with them, being flexible with times and dates, passing on information etc etc.

We have to be careful that we don't end up cutting our noses off to spite our face. In the beginning when tensions are high its very easy to react. This can have a knock on effect that means things end up worse than they need be.

Ive had on and off good relations with my ex wife culminating with her painting me blacker than black at the moment due to not liking what she heard from the boys therapist. She will calm down eventually but until then I will not antagonise things, I will continue to send her the school reports and update her on key events. Once she gets over this episode then things will settle down.

I learnt my lessons with my wife and have put them in place with the exgf. Up to now I have had no major dramas and I put this down to being the grey man with her, being flexible and by the occasional action that benefits her.

What we have to remember is that the children are the important ones in all this. Buying a new jacket for a child and letting them take it home with them is for the child. Yes the ex may benefit as they don't have to buy it but you do it for the child. The bonus is that the ex may appreciate it and soften towards you (as long as its not thrust in their face).